Sunday, 18 July 2010
Vulnerable and powerless
I just found out today that my employers are not even prepared to consider allowing me to stay in post longer to consolidate my recovery. Medical advice has been offered but they appear to have disregarded it. This has left me feeling incredibly vulnerable. I don't know what else to say really. If anyone is reading this and has any pearls of wisdom I would love to hear them.
Friday, 16 July 2010
'There's a lot of it about'
If you are old enough to remember the Monty Python sketches of the 1970s you may recollect the phrase 'there's a lot of it about'! I certainly do and there is, a lot of it about that is. There is a good deal of poor mental health and there is an even greater quantity of poor attitude towards it; as Stephen Fry once famously put it, and forgive me this is a paraphrase, 'one in four people have a problem with their mental health and even more people have a problem with that'.
How true that is. There is a very real sense in which the world adopts black and white thinking towards those of us who are struggling along this journey - ironically Cognitive Behavioural Therapy discourages black and white thinking! We are either ill or we are better, it's as simple as that. My own belief is that such polarised thinking comes most particularly from those who really do have a problem with those who struggle with mental health issues. If you are ill it is up to the Doctors to treat you; if you are better well, frankly, what is the problem? And the problem, as fellow strugglers know only too well, is that this is a journey and whilst a journey has a beginning and an end, most of the 'process' occurs in between.
Over the last couple of weeks I have discovered, almost by accident, that two people I know well, both professional people, highly competent in their own field, struggle with mental health issues just as I do. How come I never knew? Good question! Probably because whilst there is 'a lot of it about' even astute, confident, experienced professional folk are only too well aware that so many people have a problem at worst, a lack of understanding at best, with others' mental health. If those people are our employers or those who exercise some authority over us it compounds the issue by introducing an element of vulnerability. Simply put, many feel it is better to keep quiet rather than 'come out' lest Stephen Fry's prophetic observation is played out in our lives. So often the protagonists of Stephen Fry's observation pass on their insecurities about mental health issues onto those who are already suffering. How bizarre! Oh yes and how kind. Thank you so much for that!
What this rather convoluted verbal excursion leads me to is simply this. There really is 'a lot of it about' and whilst attitudes may be slowly changing those of us who continue on this journey know only too well those postures can have a huge, sometimes catastrophic, impact upon those demons we continue to wrestle with.
To those fellow strugglers who read this take heart, we are not alone, there really is 'a lot of it about'. To those who continue to deploy negative and injurious attitudes towards us because they can't cope with it shame on them! But I also hope that they never encounter the same struggle, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!
How true that is. There is a very real sense in which the world adopts black and white thinking towards those of us who are struggling along this journey - ironically Cognitive Behavioural Therapy discourages black and white thinking! We are either ill or we are better, it's as simple as that. My own belief is that such polarised thinking comes most particularly from those who really do have a problem with those who struggle with mental health issues. If you are ill it is up to the Doctors to treat you; if you are better well, frankly, what is the problem? And the problem, as fellow strugglers know only too well, is that this is a journey and whilst a journey has a beginning and an end, most of the 'process' occurs in between.
Over the last couple of weeks I have discovered, almost by accident, that two people I know well, both professional people, highly competent in their own field, struggle with mental health issues just as I do. How come I never knew? Good question! Probably because whilst there is 'a lot of it about' even astute, confident, experienced professional folk are only too well aware that so many people have a problem at worst, a lack of understanding at best, with others' mental health. If those people are our employers or those who exercise some authority over us it compounds the issue by introducing an element of vulnerability. Simply put, many feel it is better to keep quiet rather than 'come out' lest Stephen Fry's prophetic observation is played out in our lives. So often the protagonists of Stephen Fry's observation pass on their insecurities about mental health issues onto those who are already suffering. How bizarre! Oh yes and how kind. Thank you so much for that!
What this rather convoluted verbal excursion leads me to is simply this. There really is 'a lot of it about' and whilst attitudes may be slowly changing those of us who continue on this journey know only too well those postures can have a huge, sometimes catastrophic, impact upon those demons we continue to wrestle with.
To those fellow strugglers who read this take heart, we are not alone, there really is 'a lot of it about'. To those who continue to deploy negative and injurious attitudes towards us because they can't cope with it shame on them! But I also hope that they never encounter the same struggle, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Falling off my bike again!
I managed to kick start my blog again only to find recently I have been really struggling again and just couldn't manage it. I am still struggling and that's the long and short of it. I am going to try to keep going, to exercise some level of control over the things that I currently find so distressing, and also with this blog. If you are still following please be patient with me.
I will add a couple more things. Recovering from a serious mental health episode is like learning to ride a bicycle all over again. Having learned, it doesn't mean you don't fall off again from time to time. Sometimes the ground you fall on is relatively soft, at other times it is gravel. Lately I have had a lot of gravel rash.
I have also learned that because you 'appear' to be better others assume you are 'completely' better. As a Doctor friend of mine said to me last week, an episode of poor mental health is the broken bone you can't see.
When I started to blog I promised to be open and honest. So, right now I am struggling and I am unhappy. I hope it is a blip albeit a rather large one. Time will tell. Right now I feel very vulnerable, mostly because of the way my employers are handling me and they are certainly not listening. If you have had similar experiences please do e-mail me or leave a comment.
I will add a couple more things. Recovering from a serious mental health episode is like learning to ride a bicycle all over again. Having learned, it doesn't mean you don't fall off again from time to time. Sometimes the ground you fall on is relatively soft, at other times it is gravel. Lately I have had a lot of gravel rash.
I have also learned that because you 'appear' to be better others assume you are 'completely' better. As a Doctor friend of mine said to me last week, an episode of poor mental health is the broken bone you can't see.
When I started to blog I promised to be open and honest. So, right now I am struggling and I am unhappy. I hope it is a blip albeit a rather large one. Time will tell. Right now I feel very vulnerable, mostly because of the way my employers are handling me and they are certainly not listening. If you have had similar experiences please do e-mail me or leave a comment.
Thursday, 20 May 2010
S is for Sleep
An old joke, often seen reproduced on items like fridge magnets, has a woman saying, 'sometimes I wake up grumpy, other days I let him sleep!' If I am very tired I wake up grumpy. I also find tiredness produces symptoms that impact profoundly on my mental health. Simply put, tiredness exacerbates my symptoms; specifically, in my case, my anxieties are hugely magnified by fatigue.
Adequate sleep is essential for everyone at the best of times. I suggest that for the mental health patient and those recovering from mental illness, sleep is not simply essential it is elemental.
I can only share my experiences by way of offering advice to those who share this journey. I avoid looking at a computer screen after about 6 in the evening. I often have a bath before bed and as I enjoy a soak I burn incense and listen to my radio. This, I suggest, serves to illustrate that all of the senses are in need of soothing to aid relaxation in order to facilitate the relaxation necessary to aid sleep. Hot chocolate is also a good unwind - it feels like an indulgent treat at bed time and if taken regularly, in my experience, the body becomes trained to see the drink as a precursor to sleep, a subliminal message if you like.
I also sleep with the window open, I love the fresh air and it has the added advantage that in the early morning you hear the birds sing. The birds have sung the dawn chorus for centuries, a timely reminder that however anxious we may become, most things over time are resolvable in a much more positive manner than our dark thoughts urge us otherwise to believe. There really is nothing much new under the sun, a comforting realisation in itself but one which is much more likely to spring into our minds if we have slept well and avoid tiredness.
Adequate sleep is essential for everyone at the best of times. I suggest that for the mental health patient and those recovering from mental illness, sleep is not simply essential it is elemental.
I can only share my experiences by way of offering advice to those who share this journey. I avoid looking at a computer screen after about 6 in the evening. I often have a bath before bed and as I enjoy a soak I burn incense and listen to my radio. This, I suggest, serves to illustrate that all of the senses are in need of soothing to aid relaxation in order to facilitate the relaxation necessary to aid sleep. Hot chocolate is also a good unwind - it feels like an indulgent treat at bed time and if taken regularly, in my experience, the body becomes trained to see the drink as a precursor to sleep, a subliminal message if you like.
I also sleep with the window open, I love the fresh air and it has the added advantage that in the early morning you hear the birds sing. The birds have sung the dawn chorus for centuries, a timely reminder that however anxious we may become, most things over time are resolvable in a much more positive manner than our dark thoughts urge us otherwise to believe. There really is nothing much new under the sun, a comforting realisation in itself but one which is much more likely to spring into our minds if we have slept well and avoid tiredness.
Monday, 17 May 2010
E is for Exercise!
Anybody reading this will not need me to tell them that exercise is such an important thing for the human body. Fitter, leaner, stronger - it's all good! But the impact is not just physiological, regular fitness also has a huge impact mentally. The 'feel good' chemicals which the body produces during exercise lift the mood, make one feel more positive and serve also a a relaxant. The side effects are almost all positive as well - feeling a great sense of achievement, losing a bit of weight, sleeping better to name but three.
If there is one caveat it would simply be that the mental health patient needs to avoid replacing one obsession with another. In other words, don't become so obsessed with a fitness regime that it interferes with normal day to day task completion. Further, when training isn't possible through injury, illness or the desire just to 'chill out', push away the feelings of failure.
A training diary, in my opinion, is not particularly helpful as it can encourage excessive and unreasonable task setting. Recording high points is, however, a very good idea. I usually run four miles each day (or equivalent fitness training) with the exception of the weekends - my old bones need some time to recover! I don't write my timings down everyday, just now and again. When I have a 'slower' day I look back over the timings and remind myself I can, and have, run faster and will easily do so again.
Working hard to improve levels of fitness helps the mind as much as the body. Nevertheless, it's still ok to be a tortoise. You don't need to run like a hare to achieve a positive impact on mind and body!
If there is one caveat it would simply be that the mental health patient needs to avoid replacing one obsession with another. In other words, don't become so obsessed with a fitness regime that it interferes with normal day to day task completion. Further, when training isn't possible through injury, illness or the desire just to 'chill out', push away the feelings of failure.
A training diary, in my opinion, is not particularly helpful as it can encourage excessive and unreasonable task setting. Recording high points is, however, a very good idea. I usually run four miles each day (or equivalent fitness training) with the exception of the weekends - my old bones need some time to recover! I don't write my timings down everyday, just now and again. When I have a 'slower' day I look back over the timings and remind myself I can, and have, run faster and will easily do so again.
Working hard to improve levels of fitness helps the mind as much as the body. Nevertheless, it's still ok to be a tortoise. You don't need to run like a hare to achieve a positive impact on mind and body!
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
L is for Leisure...but T is for Trigger!
Leisure is the first part of my 'Lesson Plan'. It's so important to relax and 'chill out'! I have also come to see that it is important to be disciplined about relaxation. That probably sounds like a contradiction in terms but what I mean to say is that it is important to ensure that relaxation takes place on a regular basis. It helps you unwind, it helps to resist spiralling anxiety (in my case) as tiredness can so often amplify a perceived difficulty and impair one's ability to maintain an appropriate sense of perspective.
The need for this has never been more evident to me than recently. I have written many times about the nature of what I call my 'symptomatic anxiety' and the triggers for them are coming thick and fast at the moment. It's all to do with the election and the differing, but on the face of it equally pessimistic, predictions about the United Kingdom's need to reduce its budget deficit. Simply put, at the moment most of my anxiety is triggered by news reports of what is likely to happen when the next occupant moves into Number 11 Downing Street.
On the face of it I ought not to worry. My employment is secure and relatively well paid, although I do have to do a lot with it. But when I hear, as I did today for example, that The Department of Fiscal Studies are arguing that none of the major political parties have it right my skills as an extrapolator are shown to be superb! What I mean by that is that any discussion in the news about possible financial cuts has me extrapolating problem after problem after problem and they are all going to land in my lap. When I next have to move (and my employer moves me every two or three years) my wife will no longer be able to secure similar employment; my sons will not find work on the completion of university studies (and my eldest son doesn't start his undergraduate studies until October!).
What does all of this detail demonstrate? I believe, in a nutshell, it demonstrates that whatever the nature of your anxiety (for me finances, for other their health, for others whether they have closed all the windows before leaving for work) there are times when, as much as you would wish it to be different, the triggers come thick and fast, it feels impossible to fend them all off, one extrapolates worst case scenarios from all of them (what therapists call 'catastrophising') and it feels an impossible task to challenge these imagined catastrophes with logic, common sense and contrary evidence. Constructing an alternative argument, in these circumstances, never felt so difficult.
Leisure remains important and never more so than when one feels so overburdened by anxiety that one knows all the terrible things extrapolated from 'anxiety triggers' are inevitable - even though those closest to us, and all the contrary evidence, suggests that to be highly unlikely. Under such working conditions leisure seems frivolous and distracting. Not so, I know I need to keep on with the 'discipline' of leisure activities in the hope and prayer that one day soon they will reintroduce a note of reason and appropriate perspective. Perhaps at some point the 'grounding' provided by such activities may even prove more powerful and persuasive than the 'triggers'.
The need for this has never been more evident to me than recently. I have written many times about the nature of what I call my 'symptomatic anxiety' and the triggers for them are coming thick and fast at the moment. It's all to do with the election and the differing, but on the face of it equally pessimistic, predictions about the United Kingdom's need to reduce its budget deficit. Simply put, at the moment most of my anxiety is triggered by news reports of what is likely to happen when the next occupant moves into Number 11 Downing Street.
On the face of it I ought not to worry. My employment is secure and relatively well paid, although I do have to do a lot with it. But when I hear, as I did today for example, that The Department of Fiscal Studies are arguing that none of the major political parties have it right my skills as an extrapolator are shown to be superb! What I mean by that is that any discussion in the news about possible financial cuts has me extrapolating problem after problem after problem and they are all going to land in my lap. When I next have to move (and my employer moves me every two or three years) my wife will no longer be able to secure similar employment; my sons will not find work on the completion of university studies (and my eldest son doesn't start his undergraduate studies until October!).
What does all of this detail demonstrate? I believe, in a nutshell, it demonstrates that whatever the nature of your anxiety (for me finances, for other their health, for others whether they have closed all the windows before leaving for work) there are times when, as much as you would wish it to be different, the triggers come thick and fast, it feels impossible to fend them all off, one extrapolates worst case scenarios from all of them (what therapists call 'catastrophising') and it feels an impossible task to challenge these imagined catastrophes with logic, common sense and contrary evidence. Constructing an alternative argument, in these circumstances, never felt so difficult.
Leisure remains important and never more so than when one feels so overburdened by anxiety that one knows all the terrible things extrapolated from 'anxiety triggers' are inevitable - even though those closest to us, and all the contrary evidence, suggests that to be highly unlikely. Under such working conditions leisure seems frivolous and distracting. Not so, I know I need to keep on with the 'discipline' of leisure activities in the hope and prayer that one day soon they will reintroduce a note of reason and appropriate perspective. Perhaps at some point the 'grounding' provided by such activities may even prove more powerful and persuasive than the 'triggers'.
Friday, 23 April 2010
Lesson plan
I've had a long break from the blog. It wasn't intentional, it just happened. But lately I have been 'struggling' so I have decided to pick it up again and then to make a concerted effort to keep it going. I hope this will help me to be more consistently positive about believing that whilst I am definitely in this for 'the long haul' progress has been and continues to be made. I hope this will also be of some encouragement to others.
I am still struggling with anxiety big time! I have, in previous blogs, been honest enough to admit my symptom based anxiety focuses on money; it's always money and it drives me nuts! No matter how many times I sit down, plan, prepare spread sheets, count my blessings, I am frequently frightened I have a major problem. As Gavin said to Stacey 'it's just the way it is'!
So what am I going to do? Good question! What I going to try to do can be summarised as a LESSON plan; L for leisure; E for exercise; S for sleep; S for spirituality; O for optimism; N for nutrition.
Which, conveniently, gives me much raw material for future blogs which I am determined will, once again, be a regular feature of my life.
I am still struggling with anxiety big time! I have, in previous blogs, been honest enough to admit my symptom based anxiety focuses on money; it's always money and it drives me nuts! No matter how many times I sit down, plan, prepare spread sheets, count my blessings, I am frequently frightened I have a major problem. As Gavin said to Stacey 'it's just the way it is'!
So what am I going to do? Good question! What I going to try to do can be summarised as a LESSON plan; L for leisure; E for exercise; S for sleep; S for spirituality; O for optimism; N for nutrition.
Which, conveniently, gives me much raw material for future blogs which I am determined will, once again, be a regular feature of my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)