Obsessive behaviour - the fine line

In this blog I have already mentioned that for me the worst symptoms of my illness result in an obsessive concern over financial matters. My CPN has pointed out that it might have turned out that I was a person who felt an overwhelming need to wash my hands hundreds of times a day or check each and every door and window repeatedly before going out. Frankly I would swap my (sometimes crippling) concern about finances for any other symptom I might be offered in exchange; perhaps then I would simply want to swap back! Obsessive behaviour might be described as 'just' a symptom of a deeper mental malaise but for those burdened with the weight of it, and those who live alongside us, there is no 'just' about it!

In terms of symptom relief I have had a couple of slightly easier days and I am encouraged by this. I have been working hard on my physical fitness and running most days. I cannot exactly say that I enjoy running but I do enjoy the buzz afterwards and am always very conscious of the positive impact on my state of mind. Specifically, I find that I am more relaxed and am more able to deal with my symptoms in a more balanced manner employing a more appropriate perspective as I try and challenge the threatening and worrying thoughts that gnaw away at my mind, undermining my mental stability and discouraging any sense of personal well being and confidence.

Those of us working hard to try and improve our mental health run a risk. I use the verb 'run' wisely in this sense. Acutely conscious that (for me) physical exercise has a dramatic improvement on my state of mind I pose a question to myself: am I becoming obsessed with physical fitness as symptom relief? There is nothing wrong with adopting practices which improve one's state of mind and, for the most part, if they are effective they would be labelled 'adaptive'. That is to say, a learned technique which has a positive impact on symptom relief is a positive thing.

However, as I learn more about myself, my illness and my predisposition to obsessive behaviour, I need to be on my guard lest my physical fitness becomes obsessive in itselfand thus erodes 'normal' life; this would clearly be maladaptive. It feels like a fine line between adaptive and maladaptive, between useful and dangerous, between feeling better and feeling worse.

To use a medical analogy one can't simply keep taking paracetemol. Symptom relief is fine as long as it is reinforced by the much more important, and more difficult to achieve, challenges to deeply held beliefs and value systems which contributed to one's poor mental health in the first place.

Note to self: keep running and enjoy the 'feel good buzz' but don't turn this into an obsession to add to the list and in doing so find that you are running, emotionally speaking, away from the deeper issues you need to be working on.