Snapping at my heels

I blogged yesterday, albeit briefly, about the days the sun comes back out. Today I want to reflect on the impact long term anxiety has on the (emotional) sunshine.

Upon waking this morning I had a sense of dis-ease; to continue the analogy it was clouding over. Friends, who like me have had periods of poor mental health, have spoken to me about this and have said they have learned to 'push it away'. I know that they realise this is easier said than done. Today I became very anxious about something I have to address in about ten years time. The balance of probability suggests my long term prospects are good and my present position is secure, a position which many people would 'give their right arm for', as they say. So why worry about it now especially as the future would seem to be quite positive?

When you are frightened you can't just push the anxieties away and the only comparisons to which you give any attention are the ones that encourage you to consider that you have failed in some way. Comparisons which say, in effect, 'you don't know how lucky you are' don't seem to make any sense.

Anxiety is like a tenacious terrier, the kind of dog which snaps incessantly at your ankles trying to trip you up. You deal with one anxiety and, as it were, give yourself permission to feel ok about something. Then the terrier is there again, trying to find a way back in to disturb your short lived equilibrium and convince you that you have every reason to be afraid and how foolish and naive it was to stop worrying for a few hours.

I guess there comes a point when you have to dissuade the terrier from biting you by, metaphorically, kicking it swiftly and decisively - but please do be assured I would not do this to a real dog, I have a dog of my own and would use the label 'dog lover' of myself!

Anxiety sufferers know only too well that the tenacious terrier comes back time and time again. The 'heel snapping' recurs so often that you are not only afraid of the anxieties themselves but the fear of their return becomes an anxiety in its own right. Anxiety about anxiety we might call it. It is another form of the infinite regression of which I spoke of on Tuesday. It sounds rather self-indulgent but I promise you it is far from that. Sometimes, when the 'heel snapping' starts again, you can reach out and touch the fear which the anxiety engenders.

I have no pearls of wisdom today, my apologies for that, only the reflections above. But I am grateful for the few who are sharing the journey and I encourage you to leave your comments if you wish.

Now I really do have to let the (real) dog out!