Stuck in the groove - and it's terrifying

Three weeks have past since my last post.  I know some people with mental health blogs manage to produce material every day.  I sometimes manage a run of a few days and then it tails off for a while.  The reason is simple - because when I am struggling it's hard to write.  I have been struggling a lot since my last blog - simple as that.

It should be cathartic, and sometimes it is.  But when I feel 'rubbish' (like now) it just rubs my nose in my anxieties.  It's also very hard to tell if the posts I do manage to generate are actually being read or are found useful by anyone.

So, yes, morale is low and I will tell you why.  But before I do that I would like to add an important caveat - however it sounds I do not feel sorry for myself and I am not looking for sympathy.  I am however going to tell it straight.

The straightest thing of all I can say is simply this: 'I don't get it'.  Let me provide an example.  I have to move jobs in July, my wife will move with me and therefore has to leave her job - she hates this job anyway and could do with a break.  From April I am going to pay more National Insurance and Income Tax just like everybody else.  I have worked out that financially all of this is manageable and I know, yes I really do know, that I am so fortunate compared to so many people.  And yet, and this is the rub, despite knowing all of these hits are manageable without really affecting my day to day life I am still terrified of financial ruin.  There isn't even any impact on my continuing ability to maintain the level of support I give to my sons at their respective educational establishments - although I still feel a complete failure for only meeting about a third of my eldest son's university costs the rest being down to student loans.  And yet, I say again, I am terrified of financial ruin. Terrified sums it up, I am not exaggerating.

Everywhere I turn there are triggers which challenge the logic of my situation.  Today I even convinced myself that when I leave the army in eight years there will not be a job for me.  This is, to quote Mr Spock of the USS Enterprise, 'illogical Captain'.  I am intelligent, experienced, motivated and have a number of additional professional qualifications which will put me in a strong position when I come to look.  Not only that, colleagues (in my area of expertise) have always faired very well on leaving and looking for employment.  I know only one who was unsuccessful; I also know it was his own fault entirely so that doesn't count.

I am ranting - my apologies.  But this is how it is for me now.  The anxiety won't ease, my problem solving is ineffective, I have no confidence in my own abilities and I fear financial ruin.  Apart from that I am doing OK!

I am stuck in the groove like an old scratched long playing record.  The groove has convinced me of the diabolical (see an earlier post).

Readers, if you are still out there please forgive the level of detailed personal disclosure.  If anybody reads this and can offer me any advice or encouragement I would be grateful so much more than you could even imagine.