Sunshine, skylarks and psychology

I am very happy to report that I've had two good days in a row.  I feel much more positive and thus more in control; rather than the constant checking that goes with my anxiety creating what has been called 'the illusion of control'.  So that's a positive start and I am pleased to be able to begin a blog in this way.  The sun really has come out again!

I have been marvelling at the God given beauty around me- it's like free SSRI medication without side effects!.  I went for my run at lunch time with the sun in my face and skylarks singing beautifully and soaring majestically as I ran out into the countryside.

The insights and intervention of my psychologist (whom I asked the medical team to allow me to see for two years before it finally happened) have been at worst uncomfortably challenging and at best ground breaking; probably not ground breaking for her but for me most definitely.  I am tempted to say to my medical team 'I told you so' and 'if only I'd been allowed to see her sooner' but that seems pointless and rather puerile now even if both comments are reasonable and fair minded observations.  To be absolutely fair, my present CPN pushed hard for this and made it happen; his friendship means a great deal to me.

I cannot say that I have lost my anxiety and the fears which characterise them - I have not.  But I hope I can learn to accept the evidence that they are almost certainly unfounded and to do so consistently.  If I can achieve that level of consistency the quality of my life will improve dramatically.

I am not under any illusions that just like fighting insurgency the counter insurgency strikes back - my psychologist has warned me this will definitely happen.  The core beliefs which appear to feed my 'issues' (as my sons refer to them when they tease me, which is very healthy) will strike back.  But now I am beginning to see that there just might be a long term easing of this closely followed by empirical evidence that my worries, almost always about financial matters whether it be my sons' student loans and job prospects or my pension when I leave the Armed Forces, are unfounded and always were unfounded.

I feel progress has been made.  I am not naive, however, and anticipate counter-attacks and set backs.  For now though there is more hope and encouragament than I would have thought possible at the time of my last blog.