I am starting this without really having a purpose in mind other than to maintain some kind of momentum. Momentum can be a rare commodity for us long term sufferers of mental health problems. The last few days 'diabolical' has been viciously persistent and this has challenged me on so many levels. Worst of all has been that the rational voices, the good demons I described in my last post, have been repeatedly shouted down by the voluminous 'diabolical' to the point they appear, on occasion, to have vanished altogether.
I am very tired of it. And, as I have said before, whilst I don't feel sorry for myself and am not looking for sympathy, some acceptance and understanding is always welcome!
Tiredness is a key factor in all of this. I think any mental health patient (at whatever stage they are) would say there are many days when fighting back is as exhausting as running a marathon.
Just like in Cavafy's poem 'Ithaka' the journey is just as, if not more important than, the eventual destination. Mental health patients get this too. However, for us the journey is, sadly, so often about daily struggle.
My short blog today ends simply with this 'pause for thought': it feels like a marathon because it is a marathon! Nevertheless, however slowly you run, however much your anxieties and fears add weight to your back as you are running, we have to keep the destination in mind and accept the fact that some days the journey is purgatory (and thus it is hard to heed Cavafy's assertion about the inherent validity of the journey) whilst if we 'press on' some days, even if only rarely, the sun does and will shine.
Saturday, 22 January 2011
Sunday, 16 January 2011
The diabolical shouts louder
It is indeed remarkable to observe that for the first time in, I don't know so let's just say 'ages', I have posted on three consecutive days. I am sat here making myself; I have had a very difficult day in which the negative 'demon' on my shoulder has over powered the positive one time and time again.
The Greek word for demon, δαίμων, was originally rather neutral and certainly did not embody the instinctively negative connotations it has today. Demons were supernatural, spiritual beings who could indeed be malevolent even evil but they could also be benevolent, despite the christian biblical tradition which essentially considers the devil, διάβολος (the root of our modern word for 'diabolical'), to be, if you like, the chief demon.
So, you may well ask, where is all of this leading? Anxiety for me is like having a demon on each shoulder - one good, balanced, reasoned and rational and one, shall we say 'diabolical'. I spoke to a close friend today whose daughter is taking a little time to find work. She is bright (holding a good degree), articulate and well balanced. She will find the right post before too long for, as one of the people I trust most in this world reminded me today, there is still work but at the moment it might just take a little longer to find it.
Whilst it may seem terrible, this is only a transitory phase in the economic life of the country and, therefore, as we come through into the other side of this financial reorganisation matters will steadily improve. Furthermore, and now forgive me as I am going to become explicitly anecdotal, my eldest son will graduate in the summer of 2013 and will then, possibly train for a further year to go into teaching the subject that he loves, music. It is January 2011 and the bad demon on my shoulder has encouraged me to believe (because of the news about my friend's daughter) that in 2014 when my eldest son looks for his first permanent position (and not until 2017 for my youngest son) there is ample evidence to suggest, nay prove, that there will be nothing for him.
The Greek word for demon, δαίμων, was originally rather neutral and certainly did not embody the instinctively negative connotations it has today. Demons were supernatural, spiritual beings who could indeed be malevolent even evil but they could also be benevolent, despite the christian biblical tradition which essentially considers the devil, διάβολος (the root of our modern word for 'diabolical'), to be, if you like, the chief demon.
So, you may well ask, where is all of this leading? Anxiety for me is like having a demon on each shoulder - one good, balanced, reasoned and rational and one, shall we say 'diabolical'. I spoke to a close friend today whose daughter is taking a little time to find work. She is bright (holding a good degree), articulate and well balanced. She will find the right post before too long for, as one of the people I trust most in this world reminded me today, there is still work but at the moment it might just take a little longer to find it.
Whilst it may seem terrible, this is only a transitory phase in the economic life of the country and, therefore, as we come through into the other side of this financial reorganisation matters will steadily improve. Furthermore, and now forgive me as I am going to become explicitly anecdotal, my eldest son will graduate in the summer of 2013 and will then, possibly train for a further year to go into teaching the subject that he loves, music. It is January 2011 and the bad demon on my shoulder has encouraged me to believe (because of the news about my friend's daughter) that in 2014 when my eldest son looks for his first permanent position (and not until 2017 for my youngest son) there is ample evidence to suggest, nay prove, that there will be nothing for him.
The 'good demon' is quietly, gently, urging me to heed the more reasoned and rational approach I have already described but the διάβολος shouts louder. The 'good demon' is characteristically what the psalmist calls the 'still small voice of calm'. I am hoping that the quieter voice will persist and persuade me to stop stressing and accept that the conclusions I have drawn are each, truly, a non sequitir. And let me not forget that as dark as my mind feels today the evidence of the past has shown me, time and again, that all I feared and worried and worried and worried about proved groundless.
There are no guarantees for the future for any of us, not even one. But the rational side of me, the advice of those whom I love and my past experience, all of which make up the 'good demon', do suggest today's anxiety is unfounded and irrational. I just wish the 'good demon' would speak up a bit and the διάβολος would just 'poke off'! Then maybe when my anxieties raise their ugly head again I might come to believe they are unfounded and learn to shout them down for myself.
Saturday, 15 January 2011
Misdiagnosis and infinite regression
I was privileged, yesterday, to spend some time with a colleague whom I met for the first time and whom I sense will become a new and true friend; he has already become a confidant. We spoke together about what I would paraphrase as the malfunction of the mind which fails to accept its own rational interpretation or, indeed, the advice of those better informed and whose perspective is more accurately and appropriately tuned than our own. He was significantly more succinct then me and used the word 'misdiagnosis'. By that he meant, I think, that even when we see our anxieties for what they are - nothing to be stressed about and, for the most part, unfounded - we still feel we may have missed something, or that those who advise us may actually have got it wrong.
There is, I think, a medical analogy to be made here - just as Doctors do sometimes misdiagnose a patient and tell them they are in good health when, in fact, they are quite unwell. So do those of us who continue to struggle with anxiety believe that even when we have successfully problem solved a perceived issue, managed to divert negative automatic thoughts and produce a more rational and coherent contrary argument, we have ourselves engaged in a process of misdiagnosis and have actually, in simple terms, not problem solved anything but missed the point completely.
What can I say - rationally I can see that this is the worst kind of infinite regression. My mind keeps telling me it isn't. My hope and my prayer will continue to be simply this - that in time my mind will acquiesce and accept the overwhelming evidence that urges me not to be anxious. For the time being I have to report honestly that I continue to believe in misdiagnosis and my foray into the landscape of infinite regression continues on an (almost) daily basis. However, at least it is only almost every day. Therein lies a nugget of hope!
Friday, 14 January 2011
Today
I've let it slip again - another quite long delay between posts for which many apologies. The usual reason applies - I have been struggling with my anxieties 'big style'!
However, despite the fact that my anxiety levels are currently averaging about 8 out of 10, despite the fact that I have a very difficult few days (oh yes, you would not believe it!) I want to briefly reflect positively in the hope it offers encouragement to others. This is very hard for me to do as I am having to push through and convince myself that I can use some praise, maybe even a few superlatives, to describe myself even though I cannot believe they are true just as I cannot convince myself my anxieties are anything other than real, living, present and even worse than I can imagine.
Today - met a new colleague who, like me, struggles with anxiety. Mine always focus on finance (and related arenas of my little world) his are different issues but we found a common bond, were able to share similar experiences about our individual 'head space' and offered each other support and prayer - fantastic.
Today - had a long drive to help sort out a complicated business matter for my son who is at university. I problem solved almost all of the issues whilst remaining calm and focussed - on the outside anyway!
Today- I chatted to a person who has become a very close friend who has given me more help than one could imagine - thank you, you know who you are.
Today - I faced a difficult life choice. This issue is far from decided or resolved but I looked at it full in the face!
Today - I reorganised my long term financial planning. This is an area of my life where the stress and anxiety is off the scale. I managed to do this when I was very tired and remained calm; ok, I had one panic attack but give me a break.
Today - I maintained a sense of humour (mostly!).
Today - I have updated my blog. Although this has been largely anecdotal it is positive, honest and reflective. I have (almost) managed to give myself a pat on the back!
Oh yes, today I received an invitation to speak at a large conference and I accepted!
Truthfully, I feel rough, stressed, tired and uncontrollably anxious - but I have still managed to extract the positives from this.
Stay strong, fellow sufferers, keep the faith and remember, soon there will be more day light! Hurrah!
However, despite the fact that my anxiety levels are currently averaging about 8 out of 10, despite the fact that I have a very difficult few days (oh yes, you would not believe it!) I want to briefly reflect positively in the hope it offers encouragement to others. This is very hard for me to do as I am having to push through and convince myself that I can use some praise, maybe even a few superlatives, to describe myself even though I cannot believe they are true just as I cannot convince myself my anxieties are anything other than real, living, present and even worse than I can imagine.
Today - met a new colleague who, like me, struggles with anxiety. Mine always focus on finance (and related arenas of my little world) his are different issues but we found a common bond, were able to share similar experiences about our individual 'head space' and offered each other support and prayer - fantastic.
Today - had a long drive to help sort out a complicated business matter for my son who is at university. I problem solved almost all of the issues whilst remaining calm and focussed - on the outside anyway!
Today- I chatted to a person who has become a very close friend who has given me more help than one could imagine - thank you, you know who you are.
Today - I faced a difficult life choice. This issue is far from decided or resolved but I looked at it full in the face!
Today - I reorganised my long term financial planning. This is an area of my life where the stress and anxiety is off the scale. I managed to do this when I was very tired and remained calm; ok, I had one panic attack but give me a break.
Today - I maintained a sense of humour (mostly!).
Today - I have updated my blog. Although this has been largely anecdotal it is positive, honest and reflective. I have (almost) managed to give myself a pat on the back!
Oh yes, today I received an invitation to speak at a large conference and I accepted!
Truthfully, I feel rough, stressed, tired and uncontrollably anxious - but I have still managed to extract the positives from this.
Stay strong, fellow sufferers, keep the faith and remember, soon there will be more day light! Hurrah!
Thursday, 16 December 2010
Trying to be positive despite the 'hare running' & other metaphors!
In my last entry five weeks ago I began by saying I was determined to keep this blog going now I had started it again. I am still determined but recent tardiness has resulted from a period of acute anxiety and general 'struggling'.
My employers have told me I am definitely moving in July next year despite some medical advice against that. I have tried hard to process this information positively, fresh start, change of circumstances and so on. I am, to my surprise, pretty cool with it - I think! But this does ebb and flow a bit and some days the thought of moving is terrifying. Mostly though, to be honest, I am staying positive in this regard.
My anxieties about finances, however ill founded my confidants and friends tell me they are, remain frighteningly organic. It doesn't take much, just a snippet or a couple of words even, for this metaphorical hare, which is my anxiety, to be off and running and then there is no stopping it.
Most days I wake and the wave of anxiety washes straight over me and I feel I could drown in it - sorry, the literary perceptive amongst you will be irritated, no doubt, by me using different metaphors, hares running, ebbing and flowing as well as waves overwhelming; aplogies for that but the whole expereince is complex and varied and thus, so are the images I use to describe it.
I have also become afraid of the fear itself as the experience can be so unpleasant - if there was some catharsis with it I wouldn't mind, but there isn't!
I have also had to be honest with myself about the fact that there is someone I miss dreadfuilly who has had a massive and hugely positive impact on my life.
Despite this I am working hard on being positive still. I get up promptly, try to stay busy, try to concentrate on my successes and sometimes it even works! I have also discovered a superb self-help group on facebook called 'Depression Alliance' - a name which I thought, at first, was pretty depressing in itself! However, the group is full of so many people, struggling with their own difficulties but still desperate to reach out and care for others along the way - wonderful.
Finally I am trying my level best not to feel sorry for myself or demand the sympathy of others. It's a long haul but ultimately it remains my responsibility.
To anyone who is reading this I wish you much peace, love and every blessing this Christmas and much good health and calm for 2011.
My employers have told me I am definitely moving in July next year despite some medical advice against that. I have tried hard to process this information positively, fresh start, change of circumstances and so on. I am, to my surprise, pretty cool with it - I think! But this does ebb and flow a bit and some days the thought of moving is terrifying. Mostly though, to be honest, I am staying positive in this regard.
My anxieties about finances, however ill founded my confidants and friends tell me they are, remain frighteningly organic. It doesn't take much, just a snippet or a couple of words even, for this metaphorical hare, which is my anxiety, to be off and running and then there is no stopping it.
Most days I wake and the wave of anxiety washes straight over me and I feel I could drown in it - sorry, the literary perceptive amongst you will be irritated, no doubt, by me using different metaphors, hares running, ebbing and flowing as well as waves overwhelming; aplogies for that but the whole expereince is complex and varied and thus, so are the images I use to describe it.
I have also become afraid of the fear itself as the experience can be so unpleasant - if there was some catharsis with it I wouldn't mind, but there isn't!
I have also had to be honest with myself about the fact that there is someone I miss dreadfuilly who has had a massive and hugely positive impact on my life.
Despite this I am working hard on being positive still. I get up promptly, try to stay busy, try to concentrate on my successes and sometimes it even works! I have also discovered a superb self-help group on facebook called 'Depression Alliance' - a name which I thought, at first, was pretty depressing in itself! However, the group is full of so many people, struggling with their own difficulties but still desperate to reach out and care for others along the way - wonderful.
Finally I am trying my level best not to feel sorry for myself or demand the sympathy of others. It's a long haul but ultimately it remains my responsibility.
To anyone who is reading this I wish you much peace, love and every blessing this Christmas and much good health and calm for 2011.
Friday, 5 November 2010
A list of encouragements
I am determined to keep this blog up now I have started again - but I don't, really don't want it to become self-indulgent. To prove it let me say two things to those faithful few who are still reading. One, I have had a really bad week, truly the worst week since being in hospital last year and it has been all the same old triggers - see my last offering. Two, despite this I want to share this small offering which a dear old friend sent me today. I am going to try and read it through every day.
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. Its OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. Its OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
In my present frame of mind I am finding 13, 26 and 30 the most helpful. However, I think 28 and 34 are probably the most important!Tuesday, 2 November 2010
Perspective - as illusive as ever!
It's been ages since I wrote anything here. An old friend commented, some months ago, that he always senses that when I don't blog it's because I am 'struggling'. He is absolutely right and I have to admit it.
There have been countless times since I last blogged when I have wondered if I am getting any better. In fact, there have been even more occasions when I have sensed that I am worsening never mind showing any improvement.
There remains much uncertainty in my life. Of all the ambiguities I feel I am juggling right now the most distressing, and distressing is absolutely the right descriptor, is the fact that my employers continue to assert their right to disregard the medical advice that has urged them to leave me in post for 12 months longer and move me anyway. Why does this distress me? I think because I feel that it demonstrates a lack of pastoral care and concern, fails to acknowledge and recognise what I still struggle with and yes, I admit, because my anxieties invariably latch onto financial matters, the fact that on moving my wife will leave her job, and in the present climate it may very well take her much longer to secure alternative employment, I am worrying about the pecuniary impact.
Perspective remains elusive as ever. Here's a good example - this is personal disclosure over and above the call of this blog! My wife's income is not a requirement to maintain day to day living, pay bills and help my son at university and my other son away at school. Further, on leaving her post it means her pension will be very small when she is entitled to it at the age of 60. Yet my pension will be adequate so this ought not to cause anxiety either. But it does!
Thus is chronic anxiety no respecter of logic - it's as though the anxiety takes on a persona, grows arms and legs and talks to you, urging you not to believe your own perspective or logic that says 'ok it's a pain and I wish it were different, but it doesn't really affect our lives that much so there is no need to worry'.
Further, anxiety ignores the lessons of the past. Those of you who have followed this blog know that I work as an army chaplain. I was convinced that as a result of the defence review and cutbacks I would be made redundant; it was a sure thing. I am not going to be made redundant and so all that worry was unfounded and unecessary. Further, those who know me well and know my work, say that on leaving military service my employment prospects are excellent and they cannot envisage me not securing work.
In a nutshell my experience right now is this: my anxiety is not challenged by a proper sense of perspective; it doesn't learn from the positive lessons of the past; it doesn't accept the reassurance of the guidance and advice of third parties.
But let me add something to that: I do not feel sorry for myself, there is no place for such indulgence in my life. However, I am frightened and extremely unsettled - that's how it is for me.
So this has been a catch up and it is long overdue. I doubt any of you are even still reading it and if you are not there remains some catharsis in posting it anyway. If you are still reading I hope it is of some help to you!
Finally a positive thing. My son is now at university. I am so proud of all the work and effort he put in and he has achieved this first major part of his dream - the degree course he wanted at the university he aspired to study at. I am so grateful to him for his inspiration of me and his continued faith in me. He stayed with it when studying was tough (and his academic discipline requires a huge amount of extra work over and above the immediate curricular demands. He is already a thousand times the man I could ever be even when, at some undefined point in the future, I finally start to put this mental health issue to bed.
There have been countless times since I last blogged when I have wondered if I am getting any better. In fact, there have been even more occasions when I have sensed that I am worsening never mind showing any improvement.
There remains much uncertainty in my life. Of all the ambiguities I feel I am juggling right now the most distressing, and distressing is absolutely the right descriptor, is the fact that my employers continue to assert their right to disregard the medical advice that has urged them to leave me in post for 12 months longer and move me anyway. Why does this distress me? I think because I feel that it demonstrates a lack of pastoral care and concern, fails to acknowledge and recognise what I still struggle with and yes, I admit, because my anxieties invariably latch onto financial matters, the fact that on moving my wife will leave her job, and in the present climate it may very well take her much longer to secure alternative employment, I am worrying about the pecuniary impact.
Perspective remains elusive as ever. Here's a good example - this is personal disclosure over and above the call of this blog! My wife's income is not a requirement to maintain day to day living, pay bills and help my son at university and my other son away at school. Further, on leaving her post it means her pension will be very small when she is entitled to it at the age of 60. Yet my pension will be adequate so this ought not to cause anxiety either. But it does!
Thus is chronic anxiety no respecter of logic - it's as though the anxiety takes on a persona, grows arms and legs and talks to you, urging you not to believe your own perspective or logic that says 'ok it's a pain and I wish it were different, but it doesn't really affect our lives that much so there is no need to worry'.
Further, anxiety ignores the lessons of the past. Those of you who have followed this blog know that I work as an army chaplain. I was convinced that as a result of the defence review and cutbacks I would be made redundant; it was a sure thing. I am not going to be made redundant and so all that worry was unfounded and unecessary. Further, those who know me well and know my work, say that on leaving military service my employment prospects are excellent and they cannot envisage me not securing work.
In a nutshell my experience right now is this: my anxiety is not challenged by a proper sense of perspective; it doesn't learn from the positive lessons of the past; it doesn't accept the reassurance of the guidance and advice of third parties.
But let me add something to that: I do not feel sorry for myself, there is no place for such indulgence in my life. However, I am frightened and extremely unsettled - that's how it is for me.
So this has been a catch up and it is long overdue. I doubt any of you are even still reading it and if you are not there remains some catharsis in posting it anyway. If you are still reading I hope it is of some help to you!
Finally a positive thing. My son is now at university. I am so proud of all the work and effort he put in and he has achieved this first major part of his dream - the degree course he wanted at the university he aspired to study at. I am so grateful to him for his inspiration of me and his continued faith in me. He stayed with it when studying was tough (and his academic discipline requires a huge amount of extra work over and above the immediate curricular demands. He is already a thousand times the man I could ever be even when, at some undefined point in the future, I finally start to put this mental health issue to bed.
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