It's been ages since I wrote anything here. An old friend commented, some months ago, that he always senses that when I don't blog it's because I am 'struggling'. He is absolutely right and I have to admit it.
There have been countless times since I last blogged when I have wondered if I am getting any better. In fact, there have been even more occasions when I have sensed that I am worsening never mind showing any improvement.
There remains much uncertainty in my life. Of all the ambiguities I feel I am juggling right now the most distressing, and distressing is absolutely the right descriptor, is the fact that my employers continue to assert their right to disregard the medical advice that has urged them to leave me in post for 12 months longer and move me anyway. Why does this distress me? I think because I feel that it demonstrates a lack of pastoral care and concern, fails to acknowledge and recognise what I still struggle with and yes, I admit, because my anxieties invariably latch onto financial matters, the fact that on moving my wife will leave her job, and in the present climate it may very well take her much longer to secure alternative employment, I am worrying about the pecuniary impact.
Perspective remains elusive as ever. Here's a good example - this is personal disclosure over and above the call of this blog! My wife's income is not a requirement to maintain day to day living, pay bills and help my son at university and my other son away at school. Further, on leaving her post it means her pension will be very small when she is entitled to it at the age of 60. Yet my pension will be adequate so this ought not to cause anxiety either. But it does!
Thus is chronic anxiety no respecter of logic - it's as though the anxiety takes on a persona, grows arms and legs and talks to you, urging you not to believe your own perspective or logic that says 'ok it's a pain and I wish it were different, but it doesn't really affect our lives that much so there is no need to worry'.
Further, anxiety ignores the lessons of the past. Those of you who have followed this blog know that I work as an army chaplain. I was convinced that as a result of the defence review and cutbacks I would be made redundant; it was a sure thing. I am not going to be made redundant and so all that worry was unfounded and unecessary. Further, those who know me well and know my work, say that on leaving military service my employment prospects are excellent and they cannot envisage me not securing work.
In a nutshell my experience right now is this: my anxiety is not challenged by a proper sense of perspective; it doesn't learn from the positive lessons of the past; it doesn't accept the reassurance of the guidance and advice of third parties.
But let me add something to that: I do not feel sorry for myself, there is no place for such indulgence in my life. However, I am frightened and extremely unsettled - that's how it is for me.
So this has been a catch up and it is long overdue. I doubt any of you are even still reading it and if you are not there remains some catharsis in posting it anyway. If you are still reading I hope it is of some help to you!
Finally a positive thing. My son is now at university. I am so proud of all the work and effort he put in and he has achieved this first major part of his dream - the degree course he wanted at the university he aspired to study at. I am so grateful to him for his inspiration of me and his continued faith in me. He stayed with it when studying was tough (and his academic discipline requires a huge amount of extra work over and above the immediate curricular demands. He is already a thousand times the man I could ever be even when, at some undefined point in the future, I finally start to put this mental health issue to bed.
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