Anxiety - regressive and destructive

The last few days have seen me besieged with anxiety. For extended periods of time I have experienced a kind of 'ground rush' where the anxiety comes so powerfully towards me that I fear being totally overwhelmed, have symptoms of nausea and shaking and have total belief in that which I fear the most, those things in other words, to which my anxiety gives its own credence and vailidity. There can be no doubt that for me, this is obsessive-compulsive in nature. At the very least, it has an obsessive-compulsive element.

I am a very pragamtic organised sort of person in my working life. I have a reputation for being very focussed and able to problem solve effectively, for being a good 'people person'. But within my own life not only do I find I cannot do these things but when I break a problem down into 'bite sized pieces' each one of those smaller pieces becomes a new problem with its own set of attendant difficulties. It is a process of infinite regression of the worst and most destructive kind.

So it was this morning, after a very tough few days, that I saw the medical team that is caring for me. Such an occasion is always very positive and I am made to feel welcomed, supported and valued. There is never any judgement and I leave feeling more positive than when I arrived - or at least I always leave believing that there is the potential for improvement. The need for a tweak to my medication has reminded me that I have to be in this for the long haul; the 'tweak' has been advised to try and balance out my anxiety in order that the recommended psychological therapy, in my case Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), becomes more effective. I suppose that acknowledgement is, in itself, a brave thing to admit. It feels a bit like having a guilty secret but it is not until you have spoken of it, that the 'secret' is out, that the potential for improvement becomes apparent.

If you are reading this and struggling with your own mental health but remain afraid to ask for medical support my advice is simply this - try not to be afriad, ask the question. My experience is that you will not regret it even though overnight transformations are pretty rare! Most important of all, say the word, tell people how you feel, tell them what troubles you, tell them what controls you. Once that is 'out in the open' as it were, the fear of actually speaking of 'it' has gone and you are not alone any more.

Thank you for continuing to share this journey.