When you sustain a paper cut on the end of one of your fingers it seems as though everything you do involves catching it and increasing the soreness. So it is for me with my mental health. Yesterday was a pleasant day which saw us, as a family, enjoy a walk in a local park between rain showers. We even encountered a herd of stunning fallow deer. Today has been more routine and mundane but, just like the paper cut on the proverbial finger, it has caused me huge waves of almost overwhelming anxiety.
I have been saying for a few days that I would try and blog openly and honestly about the symptoms of my depression. So let me begin by explaining briefly how the whole package works for me - or doesn't work, if you get my point! I have very low self-esteem which fuels a serious clinical depression. I have probably had it, off and on, for about fifteen years but for most of that time I didn't realise. The depression, in its turn, feeds huge and overwhelming anxiety. The worst of the anxiety is that I panic about all things financial. On a really bad day just adding an extra pint of milk to a shopping trolley can convince me that a huge financial problem is looming.
So there you have me in a nutshell: low self-esteem (cause), depression (result) and anxiety (main day to day symptom). I am not asking for anyone's sympathy or indeed their understanding, just non-judgemental acceptance. I am working hard to combat all of these things but so many days of the week they seem immune to everything I try and counter them with. I have said it before but wish to say it again - I have absolutely no desire to feel like this.
This is where the 'paper cut' analogy comes in. The days when I am most sensitised to my anxieties are the days we need to shop, after all, we need to eat! Imagine an hour of pressing salt into an open cut. For me, emotionally speaking, an hour in the supermarket on a day filled with anxiety is just like that.
For those who struggle with mental health issues it is the day to day that is the most challenging, as I have mentioned before. The trouble is, nobody can see that you are injured!
So for those of you kind and faithful souls who are following this blog (and I can see it now has almost 100 hits) that is my simple offering for today - a little self-disclosure in the hope and prayer that it helps someone else to feel less alone with their particular symptoms.
Reading your blog for today and your cause, result and main day to day symptom I need to respond. As someone who cares deeply for you and having had many chats to you about developing coping mechanisms I am encouraged by your breakdown of Cause, Result, Symptom. As a risk manager, my formula to effectively understand risk is Failure, Leading, Resulting. So in your case Failure to raise your low self esteem, Leads to depression, Resulting in episodes of severe anxiety. What happens now? You have to put controls in place to mitigate the risk. You also need to review those controls, because if they are not adequate and effective you need to change them. What is adequate and effective today may not be tomorrow! Monitor your controls and change accordingly. Good controls will reduce the likelihood of a severe episode of anxiety and/or the severity of the impact it will have on you. Risk management never ends it's all about a greater awareness.
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