Enemy and companion

For a reason I simply do not understand today was another bad day. Once again I have been in the grip of all my old anxieties. Quite soon, in this blog, I am going to share something of the detail of the anxieties that are specific to me.

As I have already mentioned (on an earlier day in this blog), the medical team that are caring for me insist that my anxiety is but a symptom of my depression; I must add, though, that they have never trivialised it. In theory as the depression eases the symptoms will subside. I want to believe this but freely admit that on a day like today my anxiety overwhelms me and every which way I turn it seems to be staring me in the face. Anxiety piles upon anxiety and when it creates this kind of impact it feels like much more than 'just' a symptom. It negates everything I try and do, it significantly impairs all of my thought patterns, it is utterly corrosive. The most corrosive impact is that it convinces me that I need to believe all my anxieties and, as a result, I need to believe bad things about myself because, my anxiety convinces me, there isn't much else to hold on to.

This is when your enemy becomes your companion. I have been unwell for a long time and I am beginning to realise that I don't really know anything else. I am not wallowing or feeling sorry for myself (although I'll admit I do that sometimes!) it is just that my illness has become familiar. I believe that those of us unfortunate enough to suffer long term poor mental health can almost become afraid of the unfamiliar - but the unfamiliar is good health and we must push hard towards it.

More than anything else right now I desire that which I have called 'the unfamiliar'. I am looking for a new emotional friend and companion. It is self- belief, good health and long term happiness. But I am learning how hard it is to get rid of those familiar but 'corrosive' companions along the way.