Trying to be still game

I am still feeling vulnerable and powerless. But I wanted to add a codicil to my last blog. I am trying to sit a bit lighter to all of this for a couple of days. I have got the advice and support of good friends, work colleagues and the medical teams who care for me. My anxiety still spirals out of control - I am going to lose my job and pension: when we move there won't be work for my wife; we won't manage things financially; nobody seems to take me seriously. The list goes on.

I have a meeting arranged to discuss my future and a colleague and friend has kindly agreed to accompany me. Until then two close friends suggested to me yesterday that I should leave things alone for a period and try to enjoy some holiday time. They are close and trusted friends and I am going to try to do what they suggest. Leaving things alone for two or three weeks may actually give time for the dust to settle and for a more favourable response to be allowed to stay where I am for longer - let's hope so, although I will admit I am not at all confident.

What this has done is remind me that as a recovering alcoholic is only safe until the next drink, so for the recovering mental health patient s/he is only safe until the next perceived attack on his/her stability. The patina is thin and it is brittle. Mine feels almost none existent right now.

I am going to try and do things that help me. I ran again today and managed my best time ever for 4 miles, under 31 minutes. I am going to rest more in the evenings. I am going to think of the people I love, especially those who are far away, physically or emotionally.

Finally a plea. To those who may read this and be fortunate enough never to have suffered from poor mental health, please give us a break - it's a long and perilous journey. For the most part, though, those of us who struggle are still game!

And finally - finally! Thank you to Jack and Victor, the two principle characters of the hugely funny Scottish comedy Still Game. I have the DVDs and they always, but always, make me laugh out loud. God bless you both for that, you're real to me and that's good enough! Their picture is on the right!