Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

Peace of mind is as elusive as ever for me.  I wish it were different but part of my honest approach to this blog is to tell it straight, not to seek sympathy just acceptance, not to be self-indulgent but to be self-seeking.

My anxiety is following is an all too familiar theme - financial matters.  Despite the constant reassurances of those whose perspective is clearer and whose knowledge base is wider the anxiety just moves forward and trying to turn it around is like trying to change the direction of an oil tanker - it actually feels more intransigent than that.

For a few minutes towards the beginning of last week the light at the end of the tunnel flickered -  sorry, once again I am mixing my metaphors!  I had asked my medical team to allow me to see the psychologist and they did.  Last Tuesday, in a session that was a real emotional roller coaster, we began to perceive what might be driving this ongoing anxiety. 

The probable root cause is a highly personal matter but one I suspected may be at least one factor in continuing to maintain the anxious bearing of this metaphorical oil tanker.  The psychologist agreed.  Not only that, she suggested it may well prove to be the most significant factor of all.  This was a relief to me as I have long believed this myself but it has been dismissed by others including my wife whose patience and tolerance for my struggles has all but waned -  that's not a public criticism, just an observation and I do, as one of my best friends would say, 'totally get that'.

So last week brought a glimmer of a possibility - right now it doesn't feel like more than that but we shall see.  I am seeing the psychologist again in a couple of weeks and we hope to explore further why it is that I am constantly and obsessively vigilant for danger which seems to translate itself into anxiety which is almost certainly unfounded.

I am trying hard to be positive.  The glimmer of light may be tiny and intermittent but progress through the tunnel, I hope and pray, will see the light get larger and brighter.  Maybe one of these days the light will dominate the darkness which is my anxiety and it will be the anxiety, not the light, which is intermittent.