In my last entry five weeks ago I began by saying I was determined to keep this blog going now I had started it again. I am still determined but recent tardiness has resulted from a period of acute anxiety and general 'struggling'.
My employers have told me I am definitely moving in July next year despite some medical advice against that. I have tried hard to process this information positively, fresh start, change of circumstances and so on. I am, to my surprise, pretty cool with it - I think! But this does ebb and flow a bit and some days the thought of moving is terrifying. Mostly though, to be honest, I am staying positive in this regard.
My anxieties about finances, however ill founded my confidants and friends tell me they are, remain frighteningly organic. It doesn't take much, just a snippet or a couple of words even, for this metaphorical hare, which is my anxiety, to be off and running and then there is no stopping it.
Most days I wake and the wave of anxiety washes straight over me and I feel I could drown in it - sorry, the literary perceptive amongst you will be irritated, no doubt, by me using different metaphors, hares running, ebbing and flowing as well as waves overwhelming; aplogies for that but the whole expereince is complex and varied and thus, so are the images I use to describe it.
I have also become afraid of the fear itself as the experience can be so unpleasant - if there was some catharsis with it I wouldn't mind, but there isn't!
I have also had to be honest with myself about the fact that there is someone I miss dreadfuilly who has had a massive and hugely positive impact on my life.
Despite this I am working hard on being positive still. I get up promptly, try to stay busy, try to concentrate on my successes and sometimes it even works! I have also discovered a superb self-help group on facebook called 'Depression Alliance' - a name which I thought, at first, was pretty depressing in itself! However, the group is full of so many people, struggling with their own difficulties but still desperate to reach out and care for others along the way - wonderful.
Finally I am trying my level best not to feel sorry for myself or demand the sympathy of others. It's a long haul but ultimately it remains my responsibility.
To anyone who is reading this I wish you much peace, love and every blessing this Christmas and much good health and calm for 2011.
Thursday, 16 December 2010
Friday, 5 November 2010
A list of encouragements
I am determined to keep this blog up now I have started again - but I don't, really don't want it to become self-indulgent. To prove it let me say two things to those faithful few who are still reading. One, I have had a really bad week, truly the worst week since being in hospital last year and it has been all the same old triggers - see my last offering. Two, despite this I want to share this small offering which a dear old friend sent me today. I am going to try and read it through every day.
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. Its OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. Its OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
In my present frame of mind I am finding 13, 26 and 30 the most helpful. However, I think 28 and 34 are probably the most important!Tuesday, 2 November 2010
Perspective - as illusive as ever!
It's been ages since I wrote anything here. An old friend commented, some months ago, that he always senses that when I don't blog it's because I am 'struggling'. He is absolutely right and I have to admit it.
There have been countless times since I last blogged when I have wondered if I am getting any better. In fact, there have been even more occasions when I have sensed that I am worsening never mind showing any improvement.
There remains much uncertainty in my life. Of all the ambiguities I feel I am juggling right now the most distressing, and distressing is absolutely the right descriptor, is the fact that my employers continue to assert their right to disregard the medical advice that has urged them to leave me in post for 12 months longer and move me anyway. Why does this distress me? I think because I feel that it demonstrates a lack of pastoral care and concern, fails to acknowledge and recognise what I still struggle with and yes, I admit, because my anxieties invariably latch onto financial matters, the fact that on moving my wife will leave her job, and in the present climate it may very well take her much longer to secure alternative employment, I am worrying about the pecuniary impact.
Perspective remains elusive as ever. Here's a good example - this is personal disclosure over and above the call of this blog! My wife's income is not a requirement to maintain day to day living, pay bills and help my son at university and my other son away at school. Further, on leaving her post it means her pension will be very small when she is entitled to it at the age of 60. Yet my pension will be adequate so this ought not to cause anxiety either. But it does!
Thus is chronic anxiety no respecter of logic - it's as though the anxiety takes on a persona, grows arms and legs and talks to you, urging you not to believe your own perspective or logic that says 'ok it's a pain and I wish it were different, but it doesn't really affect our lives that much so there is no need to worry'.
Further, anxiety ignores the lessons of the past. Those of you who have followed this blog know that I work as an army chaplain. I was convinced that as a result of the defence review and cutbacks I would be made redundant; it was a sure thing. I am not going to be made redundant and so all that worry was unfounded and unecessary. Further, those who know me well and know my work, say that on leaving military service my employment prospects are excellent and they cannot envisage me not securing work.
In a nutshell my experience right now is this: my anxiety is not challenged by a proper sense of perspective; it doesn't learn from the positive lessons of the past; it doesn't accept the reassurance of the guidance and advice of third parties.
But let me add something to that: I do not feel sorry for myself, there is no place for such indulgence in my life. However, I am frightened and extremely unsettled - that's how it is for me.
So this has been a catch up and it is long overdue. I doubt any of you are even still reading it and if you are not there remains some catharsis in posting it anyway. If you are still reading I hope it is of some help to you!
Finally a positive thing. My son is now at university. I am so proud of all the work and effort he put in and he has achieved this first major part of his dream - the degree course he wanted at the university he aspired to study at. I am so grateful to him for his inspiration of me and his continued faith in me. He stayed with it when studying was tough (and his academic discipline requires a huge amount of extra work over and above the immediate curricular demands. He is already a thousand times the man I could ever be even when, at some undefined point in the future, I finally start to put this mental health issue to bed.
There have been countless times since I last blogged when I have wondered if I am getting any better. In fact, there have been even more occasions when I have sensed that I am worsening never mind showing any improvement.
There remains much uncertainty in my life. Of all the ambiguities I feel I am juggling right now the most distressing, and distressing is absolutely the right descriptor, is the fact that my employers continue to assert their right to disregard the medical advice that has urged them to leave me in post for 12 months longer and move me anyway. Why does this distress me? I think because I feel that it demonstrates a lack of pastoral care and concern, fails to acknowledge and recognise what I still struggle with and yes, I admit, because my anxieties invariably latch onto financial matters, the fact that on moving my wife will leave her job, and in the present climate it may very well take her much longer to secure alternative employment, I am worrying about the pecuniary impact.
Perspective remains elusive as ever. Here's a good example - this is personal disclosure over and above the call of this blog! My wife's income is not a requirement to maintain day to day living, pay bills and help my son at university and my other son away at school. Further, on leaving her post it means her pension will be very small when she is entitled to it at the age of 60. Yet my pension will be adequate so this ought not to cause anxiety either. But it does!
Thus is chronic anxiety no respecter of logic - it's as though the anxiety takes on a persona, grows arms and legs and talks to you, urging you not to believe your own perspective or logic that says 'ok it's a pain and I wish it were different, but it doesn't really affect our lives that much so there is no need to worry'.
Further, anxiety ignores the lessons of the past. Those of you who have followed this blog know that I work as an army chaplain. I was convinced that as a result of the defence review and cutbacks I would be made redundant; it was a sure thing. I am not going to be made redundant and so all that worry was unfounded and unecessary. Further, those who know me well and know my work, say that on leaving military service my employment prospects are excellent and they cannot envisage me not securing work.
In a nutshell my experience right now is this: my anxiety is not challenged by a proper sense of perspective; it doesn't learn from the positive lessons of the past; it doesn't accept the reassurance of the guidance and advice of third parties.
But let me add something to that: I do not feel sorry for myself, there is no place for such indulgence in my life. However, I am frightened and extremely unsettled - that's how it is for me.
So this has been a catch up and it is long overdue. I doubt any of you are even still reading it and if you are not there remains some catharsis in posting it anyway. If you are still reading I hope it is of some help to you!
Finally a positive thing. My son is now at university. I am so proud of all the work and effort he put in and he has achieved this first major part of his dream - the degree course he wanted at the university he aspired to study at. I am so grateful to him for his inspiration of me and his continued faith in me. He stayed with it when studying was tough (and his academic discipline requires a huge amount of extra work over and above the immediate curricular demands. He is already a thousand times the man I could ever be even when, at some undefined point in the future, I finally start to put this mental health issue to bed.
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
Trying to be still game
I am still feeling vulnerable and powerless. But I wanted to add a codicil to my last blog. I am trying to sit a bit lighter to all of this for a couple of days. I have got the advice and support of good friends, work colleagues and the medical teams who care for me. My anxiety still spirals out of control - I am going to lose my job and pension: when we move there won't be work for my wife; we won't manage things financially; nobody seems to take me seriously. The list goes on.
I have a meeting arranged to discuss my future and a colleague and friend has kindly agreed to accompany me. Until then two close friends suggested to me yesterday that I should leave things alone for a period and try to enjoy some holiday time. They are close and trusted friends and I am going to try to do what they suggest. Leaving things alone for two or three weeks may actually give time for the dust to settle and for a more favourable response to be allowed to stay where I am for longer - let's hope so, although I will admit I am not at all confident.
What this has done is remind me that as a recovering alcoholic is only safe until the next drink, so for the recovering mental health patient s/he is only safe until the next perceived attack on his/her stability. The patina is thin and it is brittle. Mine feels almost none existent right now.
I am going to try and do things that help me. I ran again today and managed my best time ever for 4 miles, under 31 minutes. I am going to rest more in the evenings. I am going to think of the people I love, especially those who are far away, physically or emotionally.
Finally a plea. To those who may read this and be fortunate enough never to have suffered from poor mental health, please give us a break - it's a long and perilous journey. For the most part, though, those of us who struggle are still game!
And finally - finally! Thank you to Jack and Victor, the two principle characters of the hugely funny Scottish comedy Still Game. I have the DVDs and they always, but always, make me laugh out loud. God bless you both for that, you're real to me and that's good enough! Their picture is on the right!
I have a meeting arranged to discuss my future and a colleague and friend has kindly agreed to accompany me. Until then two close friends suggested to me yesterday that I should leave things alone for a period and try to enjoy some holiday time. They are close and trusted friends and I am going to try to do what they suggest. Leaving things alone for two or three weeks may actually give time for the dust to settle and for a more favourable response to be allowed to stay where I am for longer - let's hope so, although I will admit I am not at all confident.
What this has done is remind me that as a recovering alcoholic is only safe until the next drink, so for the recovering mental health patient s/he is only safe until the next perceived attack on his/her stability. The patina is thin and it is brittle. Mine feels almost none existent right now.
I am going to try and do things that help me. I ran again today and managed my best time ever for 4 miles, under 31 minutes. I am going to rest more in the evenings. I am going to think of the people I love, especially those who are far away, physically or emotionally.
Finally a plea. To those who may read this and be fortunate enough never to have suffered from poor mental health, please give us a break - it's a long and perilous journey. For the most part, though, those of us who struggle are still game!
And finally - finally! Thank you to Jack and Victor, the two principle characters of the hugely funny Scottish comedy Still Game. I have the DVDs and they always, but always, make me laugh out loud. God bless you both for that, you're real to me and that's good enough! Their picture is on the right!
Sunday, 18 July 2010
Vulnerable and powerless
I just found out today that my employers are not even prepared to consider allowing me to stay in post longer to consolidate my recovery. Medical advice has been offered but they appear to have disregarded it. This has left me feeling incredibly vulnerable. I don't know what else to say really. If anyone is reading this and has any pearls of wisdom I would love to hear them.
Friday, 16 July 2010
'There's a lot of it about'
If you are old enough to remember the Monty Python sketches of the 1970s you may recollect the phrase 'there's a lot of it about'! I certainly do and there is, a lot of it about that is. There is a good deal of poor mental health and there is an even greater quantity of poor attitude towards it; as Stephen Fry once famously put it, and forgive me this is a paraphrase, 'one in four people have a problem with their mental health and even more people have a problem with that'.
How true that is. There is a very real sense in which the world adopts black and white thinking towards those of us who are struggling along this journey - ironically Cognitive Behavioural Therapy discourages black and white thinking! We are either ill or we are better, it's as simple as that. My own belief is that such polarised thinking comes most particularly from those who really do have a problem with those who struggle with mental health issues. If you are ill it is up to the Doctors to treat you; if you are better well, frankly, what is the problem? And the problem, as fellow strugglers know only too well, is that this is a journey and whilst a journey has a beginning and an end, most of the 'process' occurs in between.
Over the last couple of weeks I have discovered, almost by accident, that two people I know well, both professional people, highly competent in their own field, struggle with mental health issues just as I do. How come I never knew? Good question! Probably because whilst there is 'a lot of it about' even astute, confident, experienced professional folk are only too well aware that so many people have a problem at worst, a lack of understanding at best, with others' mental health. If those people are our employers or those who exercise some authority over us it compounds the issue by introducing an element of vulnerability. Simply put, many feel it is better to keep quiet rather than 'come out' lest Stephen Fry's prophetic observation is played out in our lives. So often the protagonists of Stephen Fry's observation pass on their insecurities about mental health issues onto those who are already suffering. How bizarre! Oh yes and how kind. Thank you so much for that!
What this rather convoluted verbal excursion leads me to is simply this. There really is 'a lot of it about' and whilst attitudes may be slowly changing those of us who continue on this journey know only too well those postures can have a huge, sometimes catastrophic, impact upon those demons we continue to wrestle with.
To those fellow strugglers who read this take heart, we are not alone, there really is 'a lot of it about'. To those who continue to deploy negative and injurious attitudes towards us because they can't cope with it shame on them! But I also hope that they never encounter the same struggle, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!
How true that is. There is a very real sense in which the world adopts black and white thinking towards those of us who are struggling along this journey - ironically Cognitive Behavioural Therapy discourages black and white thinking! We are either ill or we are better, it's as simple as that. My own belief is that such polarised thinking comes most particularly from those who really do have a problem with those who struggle with mental health issues. If you are ill it is up to the Doctors to treat you; if you are better well, frankly, what is the problem? And the problem, as fellow strugglers know only too well, is that this is a journey and whilst a journey has a beginning and an end, most of the 'process' occurs in between.
Over the last couple of weeks I have discovered, almost by accident, that two people I know well, both professional people, highly competent in their own field, struggle with mental health issues just as I do. How come I never knew? Good question! Probably because whilst there is 'a lot of it about' even astute, confident, experienced professional folk are only too well aware that so many people have a problem at worst, a lack of understanding at best, with others' mental health. If those people are our employers or those who exercise some authority over us it compounds the issue by introducing an element of vulnerability. Simply put, many feel it is better to keep quiet rather than 'come out' lest Stephen Fry's prophetic observation is played out in our lives. So often the protagonists of Stephen Fry's observation pass on their insecurities about mental health issues onto those who are already suffering. How bizarre! Oh yes and how kind. Thank you so much for that!
What this rather convoluted verbal excursion leads me to is simply this. There really is 'a lot of it about' and whilst attitudes may be slowly changing those of us who continue on this journey know only too well those postures can have a huge, sometimes catastrophic, impact upon those demons we continue to wrestle with.
To those fellow strugglers who read this take heart, we are not alone, there really is 'a lot of it about'. To those who continue to deploy negative and injurious attitudes towards us because they can't cope with it shame on them! But I also hope that they never encounter the same struggle, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Falling off my bike again!
I managed to kick start my blog again only to find recently I have been really struggling again and just couldn't manage it. I am still struggling and that's the long and short of it. I am going to try to keep going, to exercise some level of control over the things that I currently find so distressing, and also with this blog. If you are still following please be patient with me.
I will add a couple more things. Recovering from a serious mental health episode is like learning to ride a bicycle all over again. Having learned, it doesn't mean you don't fall off again from time to time. Sometimes the ground you fall on is relatively soft, at other times it is gravel. Lately I have had a lot of gravel rash.
I have also learned that because you 'appear' to be better others assume you are 'completely' better. As a Doctor friend of mine said to me last week, an episode of poor mental health is the broken bone you can't see.
When I started to blog I promised to be open and honest. So, right now I am struggling and I am unhappy. I hope it is a blip albeit a rather large one. Time will tell. Right now I feel very vulnerable, mostly because of the way my employers are handling me and they are certainly not listening. If you have had similar experiences please do e-mail me or leave a comment.
I will add a couple more things. Recovering from a serious mental health episode is like learning to ride a bicycle all over again. Having learned, it doesn't mean you don't fall off again from time to time. Sometimes the ground you fall on is relatively soft, at other times it is gravel. Lately I have had a lot of gravel rash.
I have also learned that because you 'appear' to be better others assume you are 'completely' better. As a Doctor friend of mine said to me last week, an episode of poor mental health is the broken bone you can't see.
When I started to blog I promised to be open and honest. So, right now I am struggling and I am unhappy. I hope it is a blip albeit a rather large one. Time will tell. Right now I feel very vulnerable, mostly because of the way my employers are handling me and they are certainly not listening. If you have had similar experiences please do e-mail me or leave a comment.
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