Coming out the other side

I'm not sure why, but I decided to look back over my 'old' blog this evening.  It is over two years since I wrote - where has the time gone?  It has gone in a mixture of despair, worry, anxiety and finally a new life.

I am happier now in my own skin than I can ever remember.  Of course I still have some days filled with anxiety but most of the time I'm good.

Some good and true friends stood by me in adversity.  Some (former) friends turned their backs or tried to make life even more difficult.  My wife and family have stood by me.

My 'real' friends are still there and I have some new ones too.

Change and happiness

I've just read an interesting article on the BBC Magazine website which says, in a nutshell, that the key to happiness is embracing change.

Having had a bit of a rant (at least that's the way I read back over it) in my last post on Wednesday I thought I would add this more positive perspective.


In that wonderful film The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel Maggie Smith plays Muriel Donnelly, an elderly lady recovering from a hip replacement operation she had whilst in India.  She is a forthright and determined lady who says little but misses nothing.  At the end of this inspiring film she looks up from her wheelchair and says (I am paraphrasing) 'things don't normally work out how we intend them to but what happens instead is all the good stuff'.

Amen to that!  Perhaps accepting that and the concomitant principle 'embracing change is the key to happiness' can bring more contentment than we could possibly imagine.  I hope so and I will try and trust those who have been kind enough to advise me that this certainly has been their experience.

The certainty of uncertainty

This may seem an odd title for my new addition to this blog.  But since I last blogged the only certainty I have is uncertainty.  I do not know when I will have to leave my present employment or under what terms and conditions.  I have learned that many people I thought were my friends have used my present difficulties to turn away and in some cases speak untruthfully about me.  I am hurt by this but gradually have come to the conclusion that it says a lot about them and not much about me.  It's difficult to understand how people can appear to enjoy kicking a man when he's down.

However, I have discovered who my true friends are - they say a real friend walks in when the world walks out.  I have found this to be true and I am grateful for it.  People of whom I am very fond still believe in me.   My employers still seek to discredit me and have used my mental health issues as a tool to make this worse.  This is discrimination and I am challenging it.

I have formally complained about much of this and to my astonishement this has generated some immediate change.  Perhaps this will prevent my experiences happening to someone else - I do hope so.


Oddly enough I am learning to live with the certainty of uncertainty and remind myself of Mother Julian of Norwich's seminal words 'all shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well'.  Put more simply by my closest friend , 'it will all work out - eventually'.

Best of all my two gorgeous, faithful, loyal and loving spaniels are by my side day and night - perfect!

Helping others

Helping others and putting other people first is rather unfashionable these days, sadly.  But it is also true to say that when you have a mental health problem, especially depression, it makes you less able to 'look out' and see the needs of others.  This is not because you don't want to it's because you can't.

An anonymous poster has asked to link into my blog as s/he feels it may help others who read their posts.  I hope so too.

Life is very tough and uncertain right now for me, and that is putting it mildly.  However, if this is of some help to others I would be delighted and would welcome comments and feedback - it helps one to feel less alone.

Despite how I feel, which is probably less than 1 out of 10 right now, I would like to help others.  And to be quite honest I'd like others to help me too.

Losing it all

There has been a long gap since my last blog.  The reason is simple.  I am ill again, have been readmitted to a psychiatric hospital, my career and whole family life is in jeopardy because of something someone has said about me and therefore, in simple terms, life as I knew it has gone.

To lose one's health is one thing, to lose family, job, housing and future as well is beyond crushing.  Right now I have my dogs for company - that is it.

Will this ever improve?  Right now I think it will only get worse and for complicated reasons I cannot ask for more support.

I hope that if anyone reads this they will spare a thought and a prayer for me - I thought my life was gradually improving.  In fact it could not have gone more profoundly in the opposite direction.

Notice, label, leave.

Blogger dashboard has changed again and I am a little confused - a reminder that I've left this too long again.  I will keep writing and hope someone is still reading and that it is of some help to them as well as cathartic for me!

It's been 'mixed bag' again.  Mixed news about the economy (followers know only too well this is the most prominent and persistent trigger for my anxiety attacks) has produced mixed psychological results for me, perhaps, not surprisingly.

This continues to irritate me as well as producing some shame.  It irritates me because, as usual, the media headlines the bad news and fails to balance this with the good news.  For example, Mervyn King's pronouncement that the UK economy may grow even less than predicted (if at all) is not balanced out by with a reminder that unemployment has continued to steadily fall and that inflation has also dropped a little.  I feel rather ashamed because I continue to interpret any such headlines as a direct threat to me and my family when this is unlikely to be true.  I am not an intentionally selfish person but understand it may come across this way.

To add some balance of my own, yesterday I scored 82% on Moodscope, my highest ever score, so good days do occur when I get back on the 'perspective train' and file the irrelevant rubbish exactly where it should go - in the 'Bollocks Box'!  Pardon my language if you will?

I still, for the most part, avoid the news.  First because it seems unbalanced as I have already mentioned and second, to try and avoid the triggers.  Is this running away?  Perhaps, a little.  But if some things which are largely irrelevant causes a panic attack why go there?  The fears still lurk underneath that they are highly relevant and I am burying my head in the proverbial sand.  But I needs must trust my therapist that these things need to be noticed for what they are, labelled and left alone.  Notice, label, leave.

Easy to say very hard to do.  Some bad days have highlighted this again but tomorrow, fellow travellers, is another day.

A final point which may help those of a more spiritual disposition.  On the bad days I am returning more and more to the 14th Century Divine, Mother Julian of Norwich, whose most often quoted saying is simply this: 'all shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well'. Amen to that on many levels but we all know how difficult it is to trust others, even those who are divinely inspired, when we are anxious and afraid.

Back to notice, label and leave it in the bollocks box.  And try again tomorrow.  Stay strong fellow travellers.

Back to basics

'Facing it, always facing it, that's the way to get through'.  So said Joseph Conrad who's life was beset by immense and challenging difficulties.  I have been trying to do this very thing as well as holding onto what I wrote about the sun still being behind the clouds when I last blogged a couple of days ago.  Mind you, there's been no sunshine today although the ground appears to be thankfully soaking up the water!

Back to basics for me then.  Sensible balanced diet (plenty of food rich in tryptophans, that amino acid so essential to enable the body to produce serotonin, the feel good chemical), plenty of exercise and plenty of regular sleep.

To anyone who is reading this who fears losing the momentum of an ongoing, but sometimes halting, recovery, may I recommend this 'back to basics' model.  Put it another way - KISS.  That is to say, Keep It Simple Stupid'!

Don't be afraid that a bad spell is indicative of a return to emotional free fall and a decline in health from which one cannot recovery.  The 'dips' are frightening because there is always a real and honest desire not to return to where one has come from.  However, as I am trying to teach myself a dip is only a dip unless we let it become more.

I've been for a run, I've eaten a balanced diet all day (apart from the chocolate and Pinot Grigio, obviously!) and I am looking forward to my duvet.  Stay positive fellow travellers!

The sun is still behind the clouds

It's been a little while but not so long as last time - the gap between posts I mean.  I sit here feeling rather disappointed to be honest.  I have a bad week or so..  All the usual anxieties have returned and they seem to feed off each other as well as being fueled by the excessive and negative media sound bites which seem intent on scaring or exciting to encourage sales and thus generate additional advertising revenue - I know this is how it works because a journalist interviewed me for a project on challenging the stigma associated with mental health issues and I asked her!

For the time being I am going to read back over my last blog and tell myself that for the most part it's sunshine now, emotionally speaking.  Even though the clouds still get in the way sometimes it definitely does not mean the sun has gone again.  Like any long term recovery one has to embrace the odd bad spell with good humour and positivity and try hard to remind oneself that it's distressing not because it is symptomatic of a declining and re-emerging negative pattern but quite the reverse - it is now relatively unusual thus does it feel rather uncomfortable.  My prayer is that some unhelpful recurring symptoms reflect only the inevitability of injury scar tissue not a decline back into poor health.  I am going to try hard not to let that happen!

No fear of falling

This is, I think, the longest gap in my blog.  Each time there is a long break I come back and promise to try harder - it's a good personal discipline and it's just possible, I imagine, that some people may be reading and finding the odd snippet helpful.  For this reason I begin, once again, with an apology, an apology for being what, as I now consider myself, as a 'slack blogger'.  Don't try saying that after too many drinks!

Rather amusingly it's been so long since I did blog the format here has changed and I am having trouble navigating it!

I am happy to come back to this though because what I have to add at this point is essentially all very positive.  I say 'all', perhaps I should more accurately say 'almost all'.

Despite being badly treated by the next most senior people in my 'chain of command', and to be truthful, I mean appallingly treated, I am feeling good, more positive, more in control of my own health, and less likely to seize on a media soundbite and turn it into a future crisis for me and those whom I love, my two sons especially.  In other words, at least in this particular respect, I am being more consistently rational and find myself, as a result, more often climbing out into brighter light than descending into emotional darkness.  I do have dips along the way, I suspect I always will, but the 'line of best fit - which is, I am told the best mathematical description for a graph that varies but heads, despite the peaks and troughs, in one direction - is upward.

I have, without a shadow of a doubt, been discriminated against outrageously.  But such is my new found strength I am able to say it says more about them than it does about me; far more actually.  More importantly, I feel more and more confident that despite a few bad days, they are rare and, to quote the I Am Kloot song (much beloved of Gavin and Stacey fans) I have 'No fear of falling'.

My new spaniels are a constant source of fun and joy.  My family life is much improved.  I feel better about myself.  I am physically fit again.  It is two and a half years since I took any mental health medication.

My final words of this offering are simply this - if you are one of the faithful souls who do return here from time to time in the hope that maybe I will offer to it, I thank you.  If you find some words here that help and encourage every word is worthwhile.  If you are still struggling - keep the faith, I am beginning to feel I have emerged into the light and whilst the clouds do still, occasionally, catch me up again I am living proof that it does and will improve and the sunlight does eventually burn the cloud cover off.

Three new friends - one has no tail!

I have been a very poor blogger.  I wonder if anyone is still watching and reading.  I hope so.  If you are please accept my apologies for being so tardy in producing my next offering.

I blogged about my dog dying and that did upset me dreadfully.  The house seemed so empty and so I lasted six days without a dog before two new spaniels arrived.  Sisters called Lily and Rosy.  What a joy they are and now five months old.  They cheer me up and already sense, just as Meg my last dog did, when I am low and snuggle up in a way only a dog can manage.

I am still struggling with anxiety.  Still manifesting obsessive behaviour.  Still deeply troubled by various triggers on the media who, actually, only produce 'sound bites' which are so often accurate and misleading.  I still get genuinely frightened.

But I have three new friends, really good friends, companions whom I trust and who take me as I am and yet help steer me back to the right view and perspective on things.  My dogs and a new colleague.  Without them I wouldn't be managing as I am.  There are days when it all comes rushing back intolerably and I fear the worst for me and my two sons but the dogs sit close and my good Christian friend gently but firmly says 'hang on, you know that's untrue or highly unlikely to occur'.

For my two daft and utterly lovable canine companions many strokes and extra biscuits.  For my new, and most dear friend, my undying thanks for friendship, calm guidance, reassurance and prayer.

The journey goes on, like the economy (and indeed the weather) some dips along the slow road to recovery (and spring) but it is going on.  I am trying to be more positive.
I also hope to blog more often!  The picture, by the way, is of my two new spaniels!  Enjoy, I do!

The last piece of toast

My anxiety levels have spiralled again - triggered by what I call 'sound bite journalism', the kind of reporting that gives you a scary statistic without telling you the whole story.  It's undoubtedly a technique which sells papers but for those of us whose anxieties are triggered by references to money or statistics and who then mould those references around our own (emotional) experiences to confirm all the bad news we know to be true (especially when it isn't, which is nearly all of the time) it's frightening and depressing.  Frightening because, in my case, it makes me believe all of my anxieties are true again and despressing because the anxiety has come back again.

One of my favourite techniques to ease all of this and get some perspective back, to challenge all the negative thinking and see it for what it is, rubbish, is to talk to my dog, make a fuss of her, stroke her ears and watch her sit there and take it all in and wag her tail as if to say, 'do you know what, your worries are unfounded and all will be well'.

Yesterday morning I turned around to give my dog the last piece of my toast as I have done so many times over the years; she wasn't there because she died on Monday.  She was the most faithful, loyal, non-judgemental and accepting friend.  I'm not really sure what to do with myself - I don't really have the heart to eat all of my breakfast toast.

Little victories and small steps

I am being rather naughty!  My work computer is (for some unexplained reason) blocked from accessing this blogging site but I've managed to circumvent the system - I'm not a geek but I'm quite pleased to have scored a little victory.  I hope others can do the same to read this blog and gain some insight, reassurance and support from it.

I am back at work after a three week break and finding it very difficult.  My personal confidence has gone AWOL and I am feeling very low.  Later on I will go for my run and hope that, like yesterday, this will pick me up a bit.  For now I am struggling again and that in itself is depressing as on a day like today my anxieties are tangible and potent.

In the meantime I am going to spend the day trying to achieve little victories, like breaking through an IT cordon and feeling good after my run.  Perhaps it's a timely reminder not to get so anxious (as I do terribly) about the future as this usually 'comes out in the wash' but to take one small step at a time.

A short 'break out'.

I have had a few very bad days - personally and domestically.  I'm not being self-indulgent and I'm not looking for sympathy I simply report the facts.  My anxiety levels have been through the roof.  As irrational as people tell me these anxieties are they have felt as real as they could possibly be, so real I could reach out and touch them.

In such circumstances it's very difficult to 'break out'.  Good weather helps and so, when checking the weather forecast last night to discover much sunshine was forecast, I determined to spend as much time as possible outside today, being productive and soaking up the rays.

I feel better for it even although as soon as I came back inside the anxiety levels started to climb rapidly.  Nevertheless, to those of you who follow this blog who suffer similar symptoms to me take some heart; take heart that even when things are really bad it is possible to find the odd little gap to 'break out'.

Unwelcome house guest refuses to leave

There has been a shorter gap between blogs this time and I hope to continue that.  To those faithful souls who are still following, thank you.

The last few days I feel as though I have been caught in the line of fire of a weapon set to fire automatically and with little pause between rounds.  Sad to report this is because there appears to me top be an increasing number of triggers for my anxiety not less.  This, frankly, is frightening, I simply do not feel I am getting any better and the anxieties (well documented in earlier blogs, always about financial matters and very often about my sons' futures) feel less like anxieties and more like realities.  To illustrate this I offer an example from this morning: the unemployment figures released this morning showed a surprise increase of just over 37,000.  Some commentators jumped on the 'gloom bandwagon' predicting all sorts of disaster, some not much short of Armageddon!  Others were more circumspect arguing it serves to underline the fact that a recovery is bumpy and this recovery is proving to be no exception.  Selfishly, I panicked interpreting it as a disaster for my sons' futures even though the eldest will not enter the jobs' market for at least two, more likely three, years.  And when they do so they will both be graduates from excellent universities, holding academically rigorous and respected degrees, to say nothing of their wider skills.

So why is it, I keep asking myself, that I continue to be enmeshed in this 'vulnerability trap'?  Why does my mind fast track a piece of media information down the channel which reprocesses it as further proof, proof mind you, that I have a problem and so do my sons?  As a CBT practitioner I would be saying something like 'ok, so where is the evidence; where is the evidence that an unexpected increase in unemployment in one quarter spells doom and disaster for my sons?  Given the timelines, academic profile and life skills mentioned above there really isn't much evidence if any at all.  And I am fortunate that my own employment is secure and will continue to be so.

A more appropriate response would be to feel desperately sorry for those who have lost jobs in the last quarter and spare a thought and a prayer for their future to improve very soon.

Many people have said to me I should just 'get a grip' - if I could, I would and I would have done so a long time ago.  It's not that simple.  The triggers will probably come thick and fast for a while as the economic commentators compete for our media attention and in doing so they have often been very selective with their presentation and interpretation of data - there are, after all, 'lies damned lies and statistics'!

A very dear friend who is not an economist but works much closer to the market place where the majority of my triggers emanate from continues to assert by e-mail, text and telephone conversation that despite the triggers which presently abound nothing has changed for me or my sons and my anxieties are groundless.  She is kind and patient beyond the definitions of those adjectives.  Ultimately I need to find a way of believing it for myself then my life would not be smitten my sporadic but regular and horrendous sadness and misery -  and I don't mean that to sound self-indulgent I am just speaking the truth plainly.

Another very dear and close friend, a brother priest, said to me a while ago 'this isn't about money'.  He suggested, with some persuasiveness, that the anxiety and its attendant sadness and low mood are rooted elsewhere.  I think he is right and yet whilst accepting that analysis the reality is the anxieties are a real and continual powerful and destructive force in my life.

So can I do anything else?  I'm finding it very difficult to treat the anxiety as an unwelcome houseguest as my psychologist suggested and engage in some opposites, activity which denies the anxiety, a kind of emotional counter-terrorism!  The houseguest has taken root in my favourite chair and that emotional counter-terrorism presently seems to be completely ineffective in ejecting him. But I will try harder.  Of course I can also keep an open mind about 'cause and effect' - I'm uncomfortably familiar with the effects and what I feel are the causes ('triggers') but I might need to look a little deeper - and I am pretty sure I know where to start!

Two steps forward, one step backwards.

Just an update.  I was doing quite well considering I had to move and start a new job.  But the stock market getting bouncy has triggered all my old anxieties and a few new ones into the bargain and I got 'bouncy' as well!  Not pleasant.

I am trying to remain positive and whilst discussing the stock market I have come to the conclusion there's no point tyring to convince myself these triggers (financial headlines) are easy to cope with and challenge with positive thinking, they're not.  So let me make a direct comparison.  Sure, the ftse has had a hard time lately but where is it compared to two years ago - much higher.  Of course, it's a lot lower than last month but, like my battle with anxiety and depression, it is probably two steps forward one step back.  The economic recovery will be slow and a bit bouncy - but this is better than a sudden huge increase in fortunes followed by a large drop, what has been called 'boom and bust'.  I know there will be casualties along the way and this will always be sad and tragic but sometimes one has to look at the bigger picture.  And the bigger picture of my own recovery is also two steps forward and one step back - but right now it feels like the opposite.

Sometimes we have to hold on for a bumpy ride but it's a ride that will get less bumpy as time goes on, whether it's the economy or my own recovery.  But I'm not saying it isn't painful on the days you're pegged back, it's very painful.

Right now my anxiety levels are about 9 out of 10 and that's not good.  So I am going to hold onto the kind, patient and gentle advice of a couple of very close friends who say 'hang on in there', my sons prospects are good (I'm not going to reherase the old arguments, if you follow the blog you've read them before and typing them out again makes me more anxious even though it's designed to do the opposite) and my employment is secure.

I'm off to try and believe what my clearer minded friends tell me and hopefully then to use that to encourage me to smile, enjoy daily life and count my blessings.

If you're reading this and your recovery is presently bumpy my prayers and thoughts are with you.

A catalogue of the unexpected

I haven't blogged for a while. To those of you who follow I apologise.  I have moved house and started a new job.  Followers will recall that much medical advice counseled against this move but my employers insisted and so it happened - simple as that.

I have to report that whilst the move was fairly traumatic (aren't they all) it has been completed minus a few boxes and electrical items that need wiring/connecting etc.  Oh yes, by the way, 'careful movers' is an oxymoron!

The people I work with on a daily basis have made me so welcome I have been quite overwhelmed. There are many challenges ahead but a challenge in my new work environment is beginning to feel a maybe rather than an impossible.  I didn't think I would be able to record such an analysis only 4 days in but I have to be honest and I will continue to be so.

What has been unexpectedly difficult is the treatment I have received from someone whom I would have thought was best placed and most willing to help and support me - apart from myself that is, for I am the main player in my continuing recovery.  I can't really say too much about this so I will have to put up the famous 19th Century social novelist umbrella and say 'let the reader understand'.  What should the reader understand?  That it is unreasonable, uncharitable and downright cruel to dismiss the heartfelt words of someone who was a mental health patient on the grounds that their judgment is, by definition, flawed.  My judgment is sometimes inaccurate and inappropriate, I am still getting better.  But, dear friends, let me tell you something - this is an occasional occurrence not a routine one and it is simply wrong, plain wrong, to disregard someone's feelings using their perceived mental health as an automatic and instant nullification of those feelings.  After all, I am awake now but that doesn't make me an insomniac!  All attempts at discussion and debate are stymied and this is distressing.

However, God does move in a mysterious way and this move has curiously enabled me to lean on someone whose judgment I trust, whose closeness I tresaure and who treats me like the human being I am.  Am I getting maudlin?  Not at all but I am going to make two observations.  First, the initial difficulties with my new job (and the personalities I would meet) which I feared have not materialised, quite the reverse.  Yes I have the same old anxieties about financial security, especially for my sons, but I am hoping to take heart from recent positive experiences and feed them into this long standing issue to reassure myself a little.  Second, love is often found not where you expect it but it's no less real for that; even if it's geographically distant.

In a nutshell, I have done better than I expected.  My old anxieties remain prevalent and distressing and whilst comfort and support ought to have come from a particular source, even though it has not, I am moved and privileged to have been blessed with a closeness to a person who neither judges nor discourages but who has the innate gift to love and nurture me as I am, sometimes holding my hand along the way, even from a distance.  God Bless you, you know who you are.

Inadequate - despite the view

I have had a week away to reflect, to read and to pray.  For a million reasons it was a wonderful week - wonderful encounters, laughter, sea air and always a beautiful view.  But now I have to return and face the reality that is what we call 'now'.  It's tough.  I probably should have read more, a lot more, I probably should have prayed more, a lot more.  I had a rest from physically strenuous exercise and just spent time walking my dog every day.  I enjoyed fish and chips - who doesn't?

However, I feel inadequate to deal with some of the reflections that have come back at me.  It is this feeling of inadequacy that leads me to hand over the rest of this blog to a quotation.  Nelson Mandela used these words in 1994.  Although some dispute the authorship, frankly, it doesn't seem to matter.  I think he did say this and it seems exactly the kind of thing he would say.  So, for all, who like me, feel inadequate - take this!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Doing the 'opposite'

As I read back over yesterday's post I am struck by a few things.  None of them are particularly positive.  That is to say as I read over the text I  observe a 'me' I don't like very much.  I blogged truthfully, I said what I felt and I felt what I said but nevertheless I am left with a strong feeling that I have painted a picture of myself that is none too pretty - for the first time since I began my blog I feel I have presented myself as a little self-indulgent, an impression of self-pity.

That was not my intention and if anyone else read it that way please accept my apologies.  And to those who left comments (here and on facebook) thank you - thank you for replying as honestly as I tried to blog.

As a result of these reflections I have tried to get up with a more positive attitude.  Those who struggle with depression and anxiety know that is very easy to say and very difficult to do. The deeper the anxiety the more difficult it is to challenge.

Followers of this blog know I have to move house because my job in the army has changed and the second word of 'posting order' is 'order'!  Is morale low - yes.  Is the move this time a fearful event (at least in my mind) - yes, of course it is!  But I have taken on board some excellent (but frankly terrifying) advice given to me by my psychologist - to treat my anxiety almost as a person.  And when feeling low (as I have been lately, in particular, worrying about my son - student loan, job prospects etc. - despite the advice and assurance of those who know us both who say my anxiety is almost certainly unfounded) to do the opposite of what the anxiety expects and demands of me.

What did it demand of me this morning?  To give up, not bother and do nothing.  Oh yes, let's not forget a large measure of self-pity thrown into today's 'misery pot'!

So I've tried to follow the advice I have been given.  I got up - well, come on, it's a good start.  I've been outside all day in the fresh air although the sun has been mostly cloud hidden.  I've got a lot of practical things done ready to move and I can see the results of my labour.

Most importantly doing the 'opposite' has made me feel a lot more positive.  Simple as.  My hope and my prayer is that this may encourage me to believe that my anxieties are unfounded and I start to feel better about myself with a degree of consistency.

Guilt trip

As predicted the anxiety is fighting back.  Boy is it fighting back.  I have followed the advice of my psychologist (almost) to the letter.  Still it bites back but she warned me it would.

I had another good day during the week.  This morning felt very positive but the anxiety and the feelings that accompany it are more persistent than the techniques I am developing to challenge it.  This is, to be truthful, frustrating and upsetting.

I am also struggling with guilt, a lot of guilt.  Here's the best example.  I have often spoken of the anxiety that I feel on behalf of my eldest son now reading for his music degree.  I help him quite a lot but he will still leave university with three years of tuition fees and three years of maintenance loan altogether.  Helping him as we do keeps it down quite significantly for him but I don't feel I am doing nearly enough.

So here's the immediate rub.  I own a motorcycle.  She's my pride and joy but I find little pleasure in owning the 'bike any more for one simple reason - I could sell her and give my son the money and it would pay a year's tuition fees for him bringing his loan down by about 3.5k.  He once overheard me speak of this and reminded me that I was entitled to some pleasure in my life and under no circumstances was I to sell it.  However, because of the feelings I have right now each journey on the 'bike is a real 'guilt trip'

But the anxiety is biting back big style and the accompanying guilt is hard to bear.  If I sell her it will be a sadness to me if I don’t sell her I will feel I have failed my son and could have done a lot more.  I guess that is the illness speaking but I don't know what to do.  I think that the anxiety is generating additional feelings of confusion which acts as further fuel for the anxiety.

So that is today, here and now, simply and straightforwardly expressed.  If anyone does read this I would, seriously, like to know what you think.  Right now I can think those things for myself.

Sunshine, skylarks and psychology

I am very happy to report that I've had two good days in a row.  I feel much more positive and thus more in control; rather than the constant checking that goes with my anxiety creating what has been called 'the illusion of control'.  So that's a positive start and I am pleased to be able to begin a blog in this way.  The sun really has come out again!

I have been marvelling at the God given beauty around me- it's like free SSRI medication without side effects!.  I went for my run at lunch time with the sun in my face and skylarks singing beautifully and soaring majestically as I ran out into the countryside.

The insights and intervention of my psychologist (whom I asked the medical team to allow me to see for two years before it finally happened) have been at worst uncomfortably challenging and at best ground breaking; probably not ground breaking for her but for me most definitely.  I am tempted to say to my medical team 'I told you so' and 'if only I'd been allowed to see her sooner' but that seems pointless and rather puerile now even if both comments are reasonable and fair minded observations.  To be absolutely fair, my present CPN pushed hard for this and made it happen; his friendship means a great deal to me.

I cannot say that I have lost my anxiety and the fears which characterise them - I have not.  But I hope I can learn to accept the evidence that they are almost certainly unfounded and to do so consistently.  If I can achieve that level of consistency the quality of my life will improve dramatically.

I am not under any illusions that just like fighting insurgency the counter insurgency strikes back - my psychologist has warned me this will definitely happen.  The core beliefs which appear to feed my 'issues' (as my sons refer to them when they tease me, which is very healthy) will strike back.  But now I am beginning to see that there just might be a long term easing of this closely followed by empirical evidence that my worries, almost always about financial matters whether it be my sons' student loans and job prospects or my pension when I leave the Armed Forces, are unfounded and always were unfounded.

I feel progress has been made.  I am not naive, however, and anticipate counter-attacks and set backs.  For now though there is more hope and encouragament than I would have thought possible at the time of my last blog.