In this blog I have already mentioned that for me the worst symptoms of my illness result in an obsessive concern over financial matters. My CPN has pointed out that it might have turned out that I was a person who felt an overwhelming need to wash my hands hundreds of times a day or check each and every door and window repeatedly before going out. Frankly I would swap my (sometimes crippling) concern about finances for any other symptom I might be offered in exchange; perhaps then I would simply want to swap back! Obsessive behaviour might be described as 'just' a symptom of a deeper mental malaise but for those burdened with the weight of it, and those who live alongside us, there is no 'just' about it!
In terms of symptom relief I have had a couple of slightly easier days and I am encouraged by this. I have been working hard on my physical fitness and running most days. I cannot exactly say that I enjoy running but I do enjoy the buzz afterwards and am always very conscious of the positive impact on my state of mind. Specifically, I find that I am more relaxed and am more able to deal with my symptoms in a more balanced manner employing a more appropriate perspective as I try and challenge the threatening and worrying thoughts that gnaw away at my mind, undermining my mental stability and discouraging any sense of personal well being and confidence.
Those of us working hard to try and improve our mental health run a risk. I use the verb 'run' wisely in this sense. Acutely conscious that (for me) physical exercise has a dramatic improvement on my state of mind I pose a question to myself: am I becoming obsessed with physical fitness as symptom relief? There is nothing wrong with adopting practices which improve one's state of mind and, for the most part, if they are effective they would be labelled 'adaptive'. That is to say, a learned technique which has a positive impact on symptom relief is a positive thing.
However, as I learn more about myself, my illness and my predisposition to obsessive behaviour, I need to be on my guard lest my physical fitness becomes obsessive in itselfand thus erodes 'normal' life; this would clearly be maladaptive. It feels like a fine line between adaptive and maladaptive, between useful and dangerous, between feeling better and feeling worse.
To use a medical analogy one can't simply keep taking paracetemol. Symptom relief is fine as long as it is reinforced by the much more important, and more difficult to achieve, challenges to deeply held beliefs and value systems which contributed to one's poor mental health in the first place.
Note to self: keep running and enjoy the 'feel good buzz' but don't turn this into an obsession to add to the list and in doing so find that you are running, emotionally speaking, away from the deeper issues you need to be working on.
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
Positive negativity
When I started this blog I hoped that it might provide some reflective catharsis for me and some encouragement and support to fellow mental health sufferers. The latter of those two aspirations arose out of my personal conviction that as so many people (with mental health issues) suffer in silence, not least because of the huge social stigma that still shrouds such issues, that simply to read of someone else's experiences brings a reassurance that one isn't alone.
Having said that, I quickly became very self-conscious that whilst what I had written was honest much of it seemed to me, on reading back, quite negative; true, it had been cathartic but had it, I wondered been helpful to others? That question, and the psychological discomfort it engendered, caused me to doubt that the personal catharsis and the outward focus towards supporting others were necessarily aligned on the days I felt the worse.
As a result my instinct was then to blog less often and I justified that instinct using the premise that people will quickly tire of reading such material. Ironically I have been helped to realise that the opposite is true and that my original instinct to share even the negative might prove helpful to fellow sufferers has proved correct; put another way, that the inward and the outward strands are comfortable bed-fellows!
A close friend (whom I met in hospital and with whom I have been privileged to remain in regular contact) has helped me to see that it is on those very days when I feel worst, and therefore the writing is innately negative, are the blogs which most help fellow sufferers; this is particularly true of the isolationism felt by mental health sufferers.
Therefore, my blog today is simply a reminder of my original intention and a thank you for the reminder of a close friend who has helped me to see that when I feel most negative it is helpful to others to record the sentiment so that some of them might feel a little less alone.
Thank you to those of you who continue to share this journey and a very special thought to all mental health sufferers 'out there' who still feel isolated from those around them because of their illness. Please do add a comment if you find it helpful, it would certainly help me to feel less isolated - you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours! Stay strong!
Having said that, I quickly became very self-conscious that whilst what I had written was honest much of it seemed to me, on reading back, quite negative; true, it had been cathartic but had it, I wondered been helpful to others? That question, and the psychological discomfort it engendered, caused me to doubt that the personal catharsis and the outward focus towards supporting others were necessarily aligned on the days I felt the worse.
As a result my instinct was then to blog less often and I justified that instinct using the premise that people will quickly tire of reading such material. Ironically I have been helped to realise that the opposite is true and that my original instinct to share even the negative might prove helpful to fellow sufferers has proved correct; put another way, that the inward and the outward strands are comfortable bed-fellows!
A close friend (whom I met in hospital and with whom I have been privileged to remain in regular contact) has helped me to see that it is on those very days when I feel worst, and therefore the writing is innately negative, are the blogs which most help fellow sufferers; this is particularly true of the isolationism felt by mental health sufferers.
Therefore, my blog today is simply a reminder of my original intention and a thank you for the reminder of a close friend who has helped me to see that when I feel most negative it is helpful to others to record the sentiment so that some of them might feel a little less alone.
Thank you to those of you who continue to share this journey and a very special thought to all mental health sufferers 'out there' who still feel isolated from those around them because of their illness. Please do add a comment if you find it helpful, it would certainly help me to feel less isolated - you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours! Stay strong!
Sunday, 26 July 2009
Friends
I received a text message from a very close and dear friend today. When I had my breakdown in February she was one of only two friends who were close enough for me to trust and who came to visit me at home a few days before I was taken into hospital. I blogged a little while ago saying when you are unwell, especially mentally unwell, you really find out who your friends are. I certainly did!
I have spent this weekend taking stock. Asking myself how far I have come and, more importantly, how far I think I can get! Both of these questions are quite problematic to answer as, just like the FTSE (an analogy I have used before), whilst recovering from a serious mental health 'episode', one bounces along for a while, some days making gains only to find the (metaphorical) market conditions are less favourable the following day and most of your 'gains' are wiped out.
Having taken stock a little I came to the conclusion that whilst I have worked hard (and continue to work hard) at my own recovery it is the faith and trust one's friends offer that is one of those essential and defining components that keeps you going. Let me add what is, I hope, an unnecessary caveat at this point - I am not taking anything away from those who live with me, and my symptoms, on a daily basis, for a family is an absolutely vital ingredient to a recovering mental health patient. Nevertheless, friends are different because they have a choice, they don't have to be your friends and often, when things are difficult, they elect to be your friends no longer!
So today, having heard from an old friend whom, it seems abundantly clear to me, understands the true meaning of the noun (because this particular friend has deomonstrably used the word 'friend' as a verb simultaneously) I pay tribute to all my friends. But especially to the small handful of very close friends who, in recent weeks, have walked some of this journey with me, who have supported me by their prayers, their kind thoughts, their gentle reassurances when I could find none of my own and their expressions of totally non-judgemental support. Thank you to each and every one of you. You know who you are.
I have spent this weekend taking stock. Asking myself how far I have come and, more importantly, how far I think I can get! Both of these questions are quite problematic to answer as, just like the FTSE (an analogy I have used before), whilst recovering from a serious mental health 'episode', one bounces along for a while, some days making gains only to find the (metaphorical) market conditions are less favourable the following day and most of your 'gains' are wiped out.
Having taken stock a little I came to the conclusion that whilst I have worked hard (and continue to work hard) at my own recovery it is the faith and trust one's friends offer that is one of those essential and defining components that keeps you going. Let me add what is, I hope, an unnecessary caveat at this point - I am not taking anything away from those who live with me, and my symptoms, on a daily basis, for a family is an absolutely vital ingredient to a recovering mental health patient. Nevertheless, friends are different because they have a choice, they don't have to be your friends and often, when things are difficult, they elect to be your friends no longer!
So today, having heard from an old friend whom, it seems abundantly clear to me, understands the true meaning of the noun (because this particular friend has deomonstrably used the word 'friend' as a verb simultaneously) I pay tribute to all my friends. But especially to the small handful of very close friends who, in recent weeks, have walked some of this journey with me, who have supported me by their prayers, their kind thoughts, their gentle reassurances when I could find none of my own and their expressions of totally non-judgemental support. Thank you to each and every one of you. You know who you are.
Friday, 24 July 2009
Transitory dips
I haven't blogged for three days although when I began I decided I would try and add something every day. Best laid plans and all that! I haven't added anything for one very simple reason. Since my last blog on Tuesday I have struggled a good deal and this I have found discouraging to say the least. I know I have to be in this for the long haul but nevertheless, having blogged so positively on Tuesday about riding things out I find myself disappointed to have struggled to hold onto my own message!
For this reason I thank the very kind person, who identifies himself as 'David', who left a comment after Tuesday's blog. Thank you my friend for the timely reminder that the dips are truly transitory. Today, I will admit, I find this hard to believe, but I am going to work hard to hold onto my own message and the endorsement added by the commentee.
It is pouring with rain here again today! There are times, mental health sufferers know only too well, when all you can do is wait for the sunshine. Despite my experience that my anxieties almost always come to nothing and are unfounded, that is to say the sunshine does re-emerge, I find this hard to believe right now. I promised to blog truthfully and that I am doing!
For now then thank you to those who are following, my apologies for the three day gap. I am now praying for sunshine and hoping it reappears soon!
For this reason I thank the very kind person, who identifies himself as 'David', who left a comment after Tuesday's blog. Thank you my friend for the timely reminder that the dips are truly transitory. Today, I will admit, I find this hard to believe, but I am going to work hard to hold onto my own message and the endorsement added by the commentee.
It is pouring with rain here again today! There are times, mental health sufferers know only too well, when all you can do is wait for the sunshine. Despite my experience that my anxieties almost always come to nothing and are unfounded, that is to say the sunshine does re-emerge, I find this hard to believe right now. I promised to blog truthfully and that I am doing!
For now then thank you to those who are following, my apologies for the three day gap. I am now praying for sunshine and hoping it reappears soon!
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
The recession in my mind
The first night I was in hospital the chaplain called to see me. He was patient and he was kind but I remember little of what he said except for one thing which stuck in my mind. Just before leaving he looked me in the eye and said plainly and simply 'people do get better you know'. As frightened as I was at that time this was hugely reassuring and it still is.
Five months down the line his prophecy is proving to have been of substance - I am getting better. I will admit to not being 'out of the woods' yet but there are signs of improvement.
My mind is like the economy, it has been in recession and, just like the FTSE 100, although it is still bobbling about at the bottom it is beginning to climb back up. It may be slow and steady, but it is heading up nevertheless.
Sometimes it is helpful to set small targets and to take one day at a time. The downside to that is that on a bad day it is easy to feel you are heading downhill again. At the beginning of last week the FTSE 100 lost some of its new found ground but this week has shown that the trend is still improving.
Equally, one good day does not mean I am recovered from my poor mental health 'episode'. But the last couple of days I have been refelecting on the fact that one bad day during a recovery does not negate all the gains just as a bad day for the Stock Market does not mean the recession is starting all over again.
As I have started to feel better I have looked around me more widely, literally and metaphorically. What I need to do now is to start observing positive trends and not be disheartened when the dips occur. But, and it is a big but, if you are recovering from a poor mental health episode you have to believe that a bad day is simply that, a bad day and no more. You have to believe that just like the FTSE the overall trend can be up and the more you believe in it and work towards it the more likely it is to happen.
Five months down the line his prophecy is proving to have been of substance - I am getting better. I will admit to not being 'out of the woods' yet but there are signs of improvement.
My mind is like the economy, it has been in recession and, just like the FTSE 100, although it is still bobbling about at the bottom it is beginning to climb back up. It may be slow and steady, but it is heading up nevertheless.
Sometimes it is helpful to set small targets and to take one day at a time. The downside to that is that on a bad day it is easy to feel you are heading downhill again. At the beginning of last week the FTSE 100 lost some of its new found ground but this week has shown that the trend is still improving.
Equally, one good day does not mean I am recovered from my poor mental health 'episode'. But the last couple of days I have been refelecting on the fact that one bad day during a recovery does not negate all the gains just as a bad day for the Stock Market does not mean the recession is starting all over again.
As I have started to feel better I have looked around me more widely, literally and metaphorically. What I need to do now is to start observing positive trends and not be disheartened when the dips occur. But, and it is a big but, if you are recovering from a poor mental health episode you have to believe that a bad day is simply that, a bad day and no more. You have to believe that just like the FTSE the overall trend can be up and the more you believe in it and work towards it the more likely it is to happen.
Sunday, 19 July 2009
The positive nature of the unremarkable
Today has not been in any way remarkable. I went to church, I often do, and was quite unashamedly accepted by some new people I met who, refreshingly, seemed to see nothing out of the ordinary about me.
Reflecting on this wholly positive experience, it occurred to me, therefore, that when you are not in good mental health it is very easy to misinterpret things that are done or said by others siimply because you feel vulnerable. Not surprising really, but perhaps a little harsh on those around us who shouldn't have to choose each single word so carefully to avoid upsetting you that they forget what the conversation was about in the first place. Yes, on careful reflection, I believe I have been subconsciously guilty of creating an environment in which those closest to me feel they are 'treading on eggshells'! I am going to work on this and try and improve it.
Based upon my experiences this morning, and the reflections that followed, I conclude this short addition to my blog with a 'note to self'. Make sure you see the positives in the unremarkable and try to discount those encounters you perceive to be negative - because they probably were never intended to be.
Reflecting on this wholly positive experience, it occurred to me, therefore, that when you are not in good mental health it is very easy to misinterpret things that are done or said by others siimply because you feel vulnerable. Not surprising really, but perhaps a little harsh on those around us who shouldn't have to choose each single word so carefully to avoid upsetting you that they forget what the conversation was about in the first place. Yes, on careful reflection, I believe I have been subconsciously guilty of creating an environment in which those closest to me feel they are 'treading on eggshells'! I am going to work on this and try and improve it.
Based upon my experiences this morning, and the reflections that followed, I conclude this short addition to my blog with a 'note to self'. Make sure you see the positives in the unremarkable and try to discount those encounters you perceive to be negative - because they probably were never intended to be.
Friday, 17 July 2009
Taking my own medicine
To begin the weekend I wanted to add a short codicil to today's blog. I have struggled today, to which the last post bears testimony. But those of whose who have episodes (yes, I am back to 'episodes'!) of poor mental health do know there are things that we can do to help ourselves.
I have been trying hard to get back to the level of physical fitness I had before I went into hospital. Physical exercise is like taking your own medicine because of the 'feel good' chemicals the brain releases as your heart rate shoots up - adrenaline and endorphins I believe are the main ones, but I am open to correction.
So I begin the weekend more positively than I might have done because I have been running again. I am pleased that I ran faster and further than the three previous times I ran this week but my pleasure is the greater because I have today taken my own medicine and for the first time in ages I have seen an immediate and entirely positive result.
I have been trying hard to get back to the level of physical fitness I had before I went into hospital. Physical exercise is like taking your own medicine because of the 'feel good' chemicals the brain releases as your heart rate shoots up - adrenaline and endorphins I believe are the main ones, but I am open to correction.
So I begin the weekend more positively than I might have done because I have been running again. I am pleased that I ran faster and further than the three previous times I ran this week but my pleasure is the greater because I have today taken my own medicine and for the first time in ages I have seen an immediate and entirely positive result.
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