In this blog I have already mentioned that for me the worst symptoms of my illness result in an obsessive concern over financial matters. My CPN has pointed out that it might have turned out that I was a person who felt an overwhelming need to wash my hands hundreds of times a day or check each and every door and window repeatedly before going out. Frankly I would swap my (sometimes crippling) concern about finances for any other symptom I might be offered in exchange; perhaps then I would simply want to swap back! Obsessive behaviour might be described as 'just' a symptom of a deeper mental malaise but for those burdened with the weight of it, and those who live alongside us, there is no 'just' about it!
In terms of symptom relief I have had a couple of slightly easier days and I am encouraged by this. I have been working hard on my physical fitness and running most days. I cannot exactly say that I enjoy running but I do enjoy the buzz afterwards and am always very conscious of the positive impact on my state of mind. Specifically, I find that I am more relaxed and am more able to deal with my symptoms in a more balanced manner employing a more appropriate perspective as I try and challenge the threatening and worrying thoughts that gnaw away at my mind, undermining my mental stability and discouraging any sense of personal well being and confidence.
Those of us working hard to try and improve our mental health run a risk. I use the verb 'run' wisely in this sense. Acutely conscious that (for me) physical exercise has a dramatic improvement on my state of mind I pose a question to myself: am I becoming obsessed with physical fitness as symptom relief? There is nothing wrong with adopting practices which improve one's state of mind and, for the most part, if they are effective they would be labelled 'adaptive'. That is to say, a learned technique which has a positive impact on symptom relief is a positive thing.
However, as I learn more about myself, my illness and my predisposition to obsessive behaviour, I need to be on my guard lest my physical fitness becomes obsessive in itselfand thus erodes 'normal' life; this would clearly be maladaptive. It feels like a fine line between adaptive and maladaptive, between useful and dangerous, between feeling better and feeling worse.
To use a medical analogy one can't simply keep taking paracetemol. Symptom relief is fine as long as it is reinforced by the much more important, and more difficult to achieve, challenges to deeply held beliefs and value systems which contributed to one's poor mental health in the first place.
Note to self: keep running and enjoy the 'feel good buzz' but don't turn this into an obsession to add to the list and in doing so find that you are running, emotionally speaking, away from the deeper issues you need to be working on.
Thursday 30 July 2009
Tuesday 28 July 2009
Positive negativity
When I started this blog I hoped that it might provide some reflective catharsis for me and some encouragement and support to fellow mental health sufferers. The latter of those two aspirations arose out of my personal conviction that as so many people (with mental health issues) suffer in silence, not least because of the huge social stigma that still shrouds such issues, that simply to read of someone else's experiences brings a reassurance that one isn't alone.
Having said that, I quickly became very self-conscious that whilst what I had written was honest much of it seemed to me, on reading back, quite negative; true, it had been cathartic but had it, I wondered been helpful to others? That question, and the psychological discomfort it engendered, caused me to doubt that the personal catharsis and the outward focus towards supporting others were necessarily aligned on the days I felt the worse.
As a result my instinct was then to blog less often and I justified that instinct using the premise that people will quickly tire of reading such material. Ironically I have been helped to realise that the opposite is true and that my original instinct to share even the negative might prove helpful to fellow sufferers has proved correct; put another way, that the inward and the outward strands are comfortable bed-fellows!
A close friend (whom I met in hospital and with whom I have been privileged to remain in regular contact) has helped me to see that it is on those very days when I feel worst, and therefore the writing is innately negative, are the blogs which most help fellow sufferers; this is particularly true of the isolationism felt by mental health sufferers.
Therefore, my blog today is simply a reminder of my original intention and a thank you for the reminder of a close friend who has helped me to see that when I feel most negative it is helpful to others to record the sentiment so that some of them might feel a little less alone.
Thank you to those of you who continue to share this journey and a very special thought to all mental health sufferers 'out there' who still feel isolated from those around them because of their illness. Please do add a comment if you find it helpful, it would certainly help me to feel less isolated - you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours! Stay strong!
Having said that, I quickly became very self-conscious that whilst what I had written was honest much of it seemed to me, on reading back, quite negative; true, it had been cathartic but had it, I wondered been helpful to others? That question, and the psychological discomfort it engendered, caused me to doubt that the personal catharsis and the outward focus towards supporting others were necessarily aligned on the days I felt the worse.
As a result my instinct was then to blog less often and I justified that instinct using the premise that people will quickly tire of reading such material. Ironically I have been helped to realise that the opposite is true and that my original instinct to share even the negative might prove helpful to fellow sufferers has proved correct; put another way, that the inward and the outward strands are comfortable bed-fellows!
A close friend (whom I met in hospital and with whom I have been privileged to remain in regular contact) has helped me to see that it is on those very days when I feel worst, and therefore the writing is innately negative, are the blogs which most help fellow sufferers; this is particularly true of the isolationism felt by mental health sufferers.
Therefore, my blog today is simply a reminder of my original intention and a thank you for the reminder of a close friend who has helped me to see that when I feel most negative it is helpful to others to record the sentiment so that some of them might feel a little less alone.
Thank you to those of you who continue to share this journey and a very special thought to all mental health sufferers 'out there' who still feel isolated from those around them because of their illness. Please do add a comment if you find it helpful, it would certainly help me to feel less isolated - you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours! Stay strong!
Sunday 26 July 2009
Friends
I received a text message from a very close and dear friend today. When I had my breakdown in February she was one of only two friends who were close enough for me to trust and who came to visit me at home a few days before I was taken into hospital. I blogged a little while ago saying when you are unwell, especially mentally unwell, you really find out who your friends are. I certainly did!
I have spent this weekend taking stock. Asking myself how far I have come and, more importantly, how far I think I can get! Both of these questions are quite problematic to answer as, just like the FTSE (an analogy I have used before), whilst recovering from a serious mental health 'episode', one bounces along for a while, some days making gains only to find the (metaphorical) market conditions are less favourable the following day and most of your 'gains' are wiped out.
Having taken stock a little I came to the conclusion that whilst I have worked hard (and continue to work hard) at my own recovery it is the faith and trust one's friends offer that is one of those essential and defining components that keeps you going. Let me add what is, I hope, an unnecessary caveat at this point - I am not taking anything away from those who live with me, and my symptoms, on a daily basis, for a family is an absolutely vital ingredient to a recovering mental health patient. Nevertheless, friends are different because they have a choice, they don't have to be your friends and often, when things are difficult, they elect to be your friends no longer!
So today, having heard from an old friend whom, it seems abundantly clear to me, understands the true meaning of the noun (because this particular friend has deomonstrably used the word 'friend' as a verb simultaneously) I pay tribute to all my friends. But especially to the small handful of very close friends who, in recent weeks, have walked some of this journey with me, who have supported me by their prayers, their kind thoughts, their gentle reassurances when I could find none of my own and their expressions of totally non-judgemental support. Thank you to each and every one of you. You know who you are.
I have spent this weekend taking stock. Asking myself how far I have come and, more importantly, how far I think I can get! Both of these questions are quite problematic to answer as, just like the FTSE (an analogy I have used before), whilst recovering from a serious mental health 'episode', one bounces along for a while, some days making gains only to find the (metaphorical) market conditions are less favourable the following day and most of your 'gains' are wiped out.
Having taken stock a little I came to the conclusion that whilst I have worked hard (and continue to work hard) at my own recovery it is the faith and trust one's friends offer that is one of those essential and defining components that keeps you going. Let me add what is, I hope, an unnecessary caveat at this point - I am not taking anything away from those who live with me, and my symptoms, on a daily basis, for a family is an absolutely vital ingredient to a recovering mental health patient. Nevertheless, friends are different because they have a choice, they don't have to be your friends and often, when things are difficult, they elect to be your friends no longer!
So today, having heard from an old friend whom, it seems abundantly clear to me, understands the true meaning of the noun (because this particular friend has deomonstrably used the word 'friend' as a verb simultaneously) I pay tribute to all my friends. But especially to the small handful of very close friends who, in recent weeks, have walked some of this journey with me, who have supported me by their prayers, their kind thoughts, their gentle reassurances when I could find none of my own and their expressions of totally non-judgemental support. Thank you to each and every one of you. You know who you are.
Friday 24 July 2009
Transitory dips
I haven't blogged for three days although when I began I decided I would try and add something every day. Best laid plans and all that! I haven't added anything for one very simple reason. Since my last blog on Tuesday I have struggled a good deal and this I have found discouraging to say the least. I know I have to be in this for the long haul but nevertheless, having blogged so positively on Tuesday about riding things out I find myself disappointed to have struggled to hold onto my own message!
For this reason I thank the very kind person, who identifies himself as 'David', who left a comment after Tuesday's blog. Thank you my friend for the timely reminder that the dips are truly transitory. Today, I will admit, I find this hard to believe, but I am going to work hard to hold onto my own message and the endorsement added by the commentee.
It is pouring with rain here again today! There are times, mental health sufferers know only too well, when all you can do is wait for the sunshine. Despite my experience that my anxieties almost always come to nothing and are unfounded, that is to say the sunshine does re-emerge, I find this hard to believe right now. I promised to blog truthfully and that I am doing!
For now then thank you to those who are following, my apologies for the three day gap. I am now praying for sunshine and hoping it reappears soon!
For this reason I thank the very kind person, who identifies himself as 'David', who left a comment after Tuesday's blog. Thank you my friend for the timely reminder that the dips are truly transitory. Today, I will admit, I find this hard to believe, but I am going to work hard to hold onto my own message and the endorsement added by the commentee.
It is pouring with rain here again today! There are times, mental health sufferers know only too well, when all you can do is wait for the sunshine. Despite my experience that my anxieties almost always come to nothing and are unfounded, that is to say the sunshine does re-emerge, I find this hard to believe right now. I promised to blog truthfully and that I am doing!
For now then thank you to those who are following, my apologies for the three day gap. I am now praying for sunshine and hoping it reappears soon!
Tuesday 21 July 2009
The recession in my mind
The first night I was in hospital the chaplain called to see me. He was patient and he was kind but I remember little of what he said except for one thing which stuck in my mind. Just before leaving he looked me in the eye and said plainly and simply 'people do get better you know'. As frightened as I was at that time this was hugely reassuring and it still is.
Five months down the line his prophecy is proving to have been of substance - I am getting better. I will admit to not being 'out of the woods' yet but there are signs of improvement.
My mind is like the economy, it has been in recession and, just like the FTSE 100, although it is still bobbling about at the bottom it is beginning to climb back up. It may be slow and steady, but it is heading up nevertheless.
Sometimes it is helpful to set small targets and to take one day at a time. The downside to that is that on a bad day it is easy to feel you are heading downhill again. At the beginning of last week the FTSE 100 lost some of its new found ground but this week has shown that the trend is still improving.
Equally, one good day does not mean I am recovered from my poor mental health 'episode'. But the last couple of days I have been refelecting on the fact that one bad day during a recovery does not negate all the gains just as a bad day for the Stock Market does not mean the recession is starting all over again.
As I have started to feel better I have looked around me more widely, literally and metaphorically. What I need to do now is to start observing positive trends and not be disheartened when the dips occur. But, and it is a big but, if you are recovering from a poor mental health episode you have to believe that a bad day is simply that, a bad day and no more. You have to believe that just like the FTSE the overall trend can be up and the more you believe in it and work towards it the more likely it is to happen.
Five months down the line his prophecy is proving to have been of substance - I am getting better. I will admit to not being 'out of the woods' yet but there are signs of improvement.
My mind is like the economy, it has been in recession and, just like the FTSE 100, although it is still bobbling about at the bottom it is beginning to climb back up. It may be slow and steady, but it is heading up nevertheless.
Sometimes it is helpful to set small targets and to take one day at a time. The downside to that is that on a bad day it is easy to feel you are heading downhill again. At the beginning of last week the FTSE 100 lost some of its new found ground but this week has shown that the trend is still improving.
Equally, one good day does not mean I am recovered from my poor mental health 'episode'. But the last couple of days I have been refelecting on the fact that one bad day during a recovery does not negate all the gains just as a bad day for the Stock Market does not mean the recession is starting all over again.
As I have started to feel better I have looked around me more widely, literally and metaphorically. What I need to do now is to start observing positive trends and not be disheartened when the dips occur. But, and it is a big but, if you are recovering from a poor mental health episode you have to believe that a bad day is simply that, a bad day and no more. You have to believe that just like the FTSE the overall trend can be up and the more you believe in it and work towards it the more likely it is to happen.
Sunday 19 July 2009
The positive nature of the unremarkable
Today has not been in any way remarkable. I went to church, I often do, and was quite unashamedly accepted by some new people I met who, refreshingly, seemed to see nothing out of the ordinary about me.
Reflecting on this wholly positive experience, it occurred to me, therefore, that when you are not in good mental health it is very easy to misinterpret things that are done or said by others siimply because you feel vulnerable. Not surprising really, but perhaps a little harsh on those around us who shouldn't have to choose each single word so carefully to avoid upsetting you that they forget what the conversation was about in the first place. Yes, on careful reflection, I believe I have been subconsciously guilty of creating an environment in which those closest to me feel they are 'treading on eggshells'! I am going to work on this and try and improve it.
Based upon my experiences this morning, and the reflections that followed, I conclude this short addition to my blog with a 'note to self'. Make sure you see the positives in the unremarkable and try to discount those encounters you perceive to be negative - because they probably were never intended to be.
Reflecting on this wholly positive experience, it occurred to me, therefore, that when you are not in good mental health it is very easy to misinterpret things that are done or said by others siimply because you feel vulnerable. Not surprising really, but perhaps a little harsh on those around us who shouldn't have to choose each single word so carefully to avoid upsetting you that they forget what the conversation was about in the first place. Yes, on careful reflection, I believe I have been subconsciously guilty of creating an environment in which those closest to me feel they are 'treading on eggshells'! I am going to work on this and try and improve it.
Based upon my experiences this morning, and the reflections that followed, I conclude this short addition to my blog with a 'note to self'. Make sure you see the positives in the unremarkable and try to discount those encounters you perceive to be negative - because they probably were never intended to be.
Friday 17 July 2009
Taking my own medicine
To begin the weekend I wanted to add a short codicil to today's blog. I have struggled today, to which the last post bears testimony. But those of whose who have episodes (yes, I am back to 'episodes'!) of poor mental health do know there are things that we can do to help ourselves.
I have been trying hard to get back to the level of physical fitness I had before I went into hospital. Physical exercise is like taking your own medicine because of the 'feel good' chemicals the brain releases as your heart rate shoots up - adrenaline and endorphins I believe are the main ones, but I am open to correction.
So I begin the weekend more positively than I might have done because I have been running again. I am pleased that I ran faster and further than the three previous times I ran this week but my pleasure is the greater because I have today taken my own medicine and for the first time in ages I have seen an immediate and entirely positive result.
I have been trying hard to get back to the level of physical fitness I had before I went into hospital. Physical exercise is like taking your own medicine because of the 'feel good' chemicals the brain releases as your heart rate shoots up - adrenaline and endorphins I believe are the main ones, but I am open to correction.
So I begin the weekend more positively than I might have done because I have been running again. I am pleased that I ran faster and further than the three previous times I ran this week but my pleasure is the greater because I have today taken my own medicine and for the first time in ages I have seen an immediate and entirely positive result.
Supermarkets and symptoms
When you sustain a paper cut on the end of one of your fingers it seems as though everything you do involves catching it and increasing the soreness. So it is for me with my mental health. Yesterday was a pleasant day which saw us, as a family, enjoy a walk in a local park between rain showers. We even encountered a herd of stunning fallow deer. Today has been more routine and mundane but, just like the paper cut on the proverbial finger, it has caused me huge waves of almost overwhelming anxiety.
I have been saying for a few days that I would try and blog openly and honestly about the symptoms of my depression. So let me begin by explaining briefly how the whole package works for me - or doesn't work, if you get my point! I have very low self-esteem which fuels a serious clinical depression. I have probably had it, off and on, for about fifteen years but for most of that time I didn't realise. The depression, in its turn, feeds huge and overwhelming anxiety. The worst of the anxiety is that I panic about all things financial. On a really bad day just adding an extra pint of milk to a shopping trolley can convince me that a huge financial problem is looming.
So there you have me in a nutshell: low self-esteem (cause), depression (result) and anxiety (main day to day symptom). I am not asking for anyone's sympathy or indeed their understanding, just non-judgemental acceptance. I am working hard to combat all of these things but so many days of the week they seem immune to everything I try and counter them with. I have said it before but wish to say it again - I have absolutely no desire to feel like this.
This is where the 'paper cut' analogy comes in. The days when I am most sensitised to my anxieties are the days we need to shop, after all, we need to eat! Imagine an hour of pressing salt into an open cut. For me, emotionally speaking, an hour in the supermarket on a day filled with anxiety is just like that.
For those who struggle with mental health issues it is the day to day that is the most challenging, as I have mentioned before. The trouble is, nobody can see that you are injured!
So for those of you kind and faithful souls who are following this blog (and I can see it now has almost 100 hits) that is my simple offering for today - a little self-disclosure in the hope and prayer that it helps someone else to feel less alone with their particular symptoms.
I have been saying for a few days that I would try and blog openly and honestly about the symptoms of my depression. So let me begin by explaining briefly how the whole package works for me - or doesn't work, if you get my point! I have very low self-esteem which fuels a serious clinical depression. I have probably had it, off and on, for about fifteen years but for most of that time I didn't realise. The depression, in its turn, feeds huge and overwhelming anxiety. The worst of the anxiety is that I panic about all things financial. On a really bad day just adding an extra pint of milk to a shopping trolley can convince me that a huge financial problem is looming.
So there you have me in a nutshell: low self-esteem (cause), depression (result) and anxiety (main day to day symptom). I am not asking for anyone's sympathy or indeed their understanding, just non-judgemental acceptance. I am working hard to combat all of these things but so many days of the week they seem immune to everything I try and counter them with. I have said it before but wish to say it again - I have absolutely no desire to feel like this.
This is where the 'paper cut' analogy comes in. The days when I am most sensitised to my anxieties are the days we need to shop, after all, we need to eat! Imagine an hour of pressing salt into an open cut. For me, emotionally speaking, an hour in the supermarket on a day filled with anxiety is just like that.
For those who struggle with mental health issues it is the day to day that is the most challenging, as I have mentioned before. The trouble is, nobody can see that you are injured!
So for those of you kind and faithful souls who are following this blog (and I can see it now has almost 100 hits) that is my simple offering for today - a little self-disclosure in the hope and prayer that it helps someone else to feel less alone with their particular symptoms.
Wednesday 15 July 2009
Enemy and companion
For a reason I simply do not understand today was another bad day. Once again I have been in the grip of all my old anxieties. Quite soon, in this blog, I am going to share something of the detail of the anxieties that are specific to me.
As I have already mentioned (on an earlier day in this blog), the medical team that are caring for me insist that my anxiety is but a symptom of my depression; I must add, though, that they have never trivialised it. In theory as the depression eases the symptoms will subside. I want to believe this but freely admit that on a day like today my anxiety overwhelms me and every which way I turn it seems to be staring me in the face. Anxiety piles upon anxiety and when it creates this kind of impact it feels like much more than 'just' a symptom. It negates everything I try and do, it significantly impairs all of my thought patterns, it is utterly corrosive. The most corrosive impact is that it convinces me that I need to believe all my anxieties and, as a result, I need to believe bad things about myself because, my anxiety convinces me, there isn't much else to hold on to.
This is when your enemy becomes your companion. I have been unwell for a long time and I am beginning to realise that I don't really know anything else. I am not wallowing or feeling sorry for myself (although I'll admit I do that sometimes!) it is just that my illness has become familiar. I believe that those of us unfortunate enough to suffer long term poor mental health can almost become afraid of the unfamiliar - but the unfamiliar is good health and we must push hard towards it.
More than anything else right now I desire that which I have called 'the unfamiliar'. I am looking for a new emotional friend and companion. It is self- belief, good health and long term happiness. But I am learning how hard it is to get rid of those familiar but 'corrosive' companions along the way.
As I have already mentioned (on an earlier day in this blog), the medical team that are caring for me insist that my anxiety is but a symptom of my depression; I must add, though, that they have never trivialised it. In theory as the depression eases the symptoms will subside. I want to believe this but freely admit that on a day like today my anxiety overwhelms me and every which way I turn it seems to be staring me in the face. Anxiety piles upon anxiety and when it creates this kind of impact it feels like much more than 'just' a symptom. It negates everything I try and do, it significantly impairs all of my thought patterns, it is utterly corrosive. The most corrosive impact is that it convinces me that I need to believe all my anxieties and, as a result, I need to believe bad things about myself because, my anxiety convinces me, there isn't much else to hold on to.
This is when your enemy becomes your companion. I have been unwell for a long time and I am beginning to realise that I don't really know anything else. I am not wallowing or feeling sorry for myself (although I'll admit I do that sometimes!) it is just that my illness has become familiar. I believe that those of us unfortunate enough to suffer long term poor mental health can almost become afraid of the unfamiliar - but the unfamiliar is good health and we must push hard towards it.
More than anything else right now I desire that which I have called 'the unfamiliar'. I am looking for a new emotional friend and companion. It is self- belief, good health and long term happiness. But I am learning how hard it is to get rid of those familiar but 'corrosive' companions along the way.
Tuesday 14 July 2009
Going around in circles
I am learning that one of the most challenging facets of mental health is that it has periods of apparently circular motion. What I mean is that time and time again the same symptoms pop up and they usually do so just as you thought you were feeling a little stronger. Even as your health begins to improve you still feel trapped in a vicious circle of anxiety. At least for me that is certainly true.
Emotionally this is very difficult to deal with. A recurrence of my chronic anxiety, just as I have started to feel stronger, is frightening because it feels as though it undermines the recovery I had hoped for and had begun to trust and believe may actually, in time, be possible.
Looking more widely others will glean small improvements only to see you apparently regress. It can seem that all the good work is unravelling.
Today this is exactly my experience. I have had a couple of much better days and felt encouraged to believe the light at the end of the tunnel was getting a little larger. Put another way, and returning yet again to my weather analogy, the sunshine seemed more regular. I had two visits from close friends both of whom said I looked much better.
As I have begun to have some better days I have got used to the sunshine and I like it. The challenge is to keep believing that the sun will continue to appear regularly and that the cloudy days will decrease in frequency. I might say that one sunny day doesn't make a whole summer. At the same time I must believe that a few cloudy days doesn't mean I am no longer recovering.
I am looking out of the window now and it has started to pour with rain. Encouragingly I can also see bright sunshine trying to break through again an excellent metaphor to conclude today's offering!
Emotionally this is very difficult to deal with. A recurrence of my chronic anxiety, just as I have started to feel stronger, is frightening because it feels as though it undermines the recovery I had hoped for and had begun to trust and believe may actually, in time, be possible.
Looking more widely others will glean small improvements only to see you apparently regress. It can seem that all the good work is unravelling.
Today this is exactly my experience. I have had a couple of much better days and felt encouraged to believe the light at the end of the tunnel was getting a little larger. Put another way, and returning yet again to my weather analogy, the sunshine seemed more regular. I had two visits from close friends both of whom said I looked much better.
As I have begun to have some better days I have got used to the sunshine and I like it. The challenge is to keep believing that the sun will continue to appear regularly and that the cloudy days will decrease in frequency. I might say that one sunny day doesn't make a whole summer. At the same time I must believe that a few cloudy days doesn't mean I am no longer recovering.
I am looking out of the window now and it has started to pour with rain. Encouragingly I can also see bright sunshine trying to break through again an excellent metaphor to conclude today's offering!
Sunday 12 July 2009
'Episodes' and the mundane
I didn't blog yesterday - my apologies for that but to be quite frank I didn't feel I had much to say and I wanted a little time to think. Having to say something doesn't necessarily mean you have something useful to say! So I didn't.
The truth is yesterday was an ordinary day. For someone trying to recovery from an 'episode' of poor mental health it is often the routine and the mundane which can be the most troubling. I have already blogged about the significance of just getting up and getting on - that is to say, whilst it is positive and healing to try and find momentum, it can also be excruciatingly difficult.
I like the noun 'episode'. My CPN used it in an e-mail to me this last week and it made me think. He was trying to encourage me to see this period of illness as one episode of my life and one, I might add, that can produce enhanced strength of character. But that enhancement is not of immediate consolation but it is one that will (I am being positive saying 'will' not 'might') only be experienced in the fullness of time.
Yesterday's episode was mundane and that was its biggest challenge. Today's is a little better. My anxieties feel just as real, despite the continuing reassurances of those closest to me that they are quite unfounded, but they feel a little more manageable. I hope that is of some reassurance to my fellow strugglers. I also hope the feeling continues tomorrow!
Most of life is mundane, although that is not to say it is of no value. Mental health sufferers find the mundane particularly difficult because watching others can be so challenging. Simply put, it is hard to watch others 'getting up and getting on' with relative ease when you hardly feel able to tie your own shoelaces. I suppose it is a bit like the morning after a bereavement, one cannot understand how people can go for the paper or queue for a bus.
Then as you begin to see the sun through the clouds a little (to return to my weather analogy) you realise that what you see isn't always what you get. I have begun to realise that those who appear to deal with the mundane with greater poise and purpose than I have managed over the last few months, may actually be fellow sufferers - they may be silent, they may feel unable to ask for help, they may be much worse off than I am, I simply don't know. I know I am surrounded by those who love me, even though I am often unsure why they love me; I have good medical care; my employer is patient and supportive; I have wonderful friends.
So what do I know? Today, having thought it through for a couple of days, I know that the mundane is an opportunity to look around and be grateful. Those of us who suffer 'episodes' of poor mental health may be much more fortunate than we realise.
During this week ahead I am going to try and be more grateful and produce, if you like, more of my own sunshine. I leave the last words today to Celia Thaxter. the 19th Century poet and author.
There shall be eternal summer in the grateful heart.
The truth is yesterday was an ordinary day. For someone trying to recovery from an 'episode' of poor mental health it is often the routine and the mundane which can be the most troubling. I have already blogged about the significance of just getting up and getting on - that is to say, whilst it is positive and healing to try and find momentum, it can also be excruciatingly difficult.
I like the noun 'episode'. My CPN used it in an e-mail to me this last week and it made me think. He was trying to encourage me to see this period of illness as one episode of my life and one, I might add, that can produce enhanced strength of character. But that enhancement is not of immediate consolation but it is one that will (I am being positive saying 'will' not 'might') only be experienced in the fullness of time.
Yesterday's episode was mundane and that was its biggest challenge. Today's is a little better. My anxieties feel just as real, despite the continuing reassurances of those closest to me that they are quite unfounded, but they feel a little more manageable. I hope that is of some reassurance to my fellow strugglers. I also hope the feeling continues tomorrow!
Most of life is mundane, although that is not to say it is of no value. Mental health sufferers find the mundane particularly difficult because watching others can be so challenging. Simply put, it is hard to watch others 'getting up and getting on' with relative ease when you hardly feel able to tie your own shoelaces. I suppose it is a bit like the morning after a bereavement, one cannot understand how people can go for the paper or queue for a bus.
Then as you begin to see the sun through the clouds a little (to return to my weather analogy) you realise that what you see isn't always what you get. I have begun to realise that those who appear to deal with the mundane with greater poise and purpose than I have managed over the last few months, may actually be fellow sufferers - they may be silent, they may feel unable to ask for help, they may be much worse off than I am, I simply don't know. I know I am surrounded by those who love me, even though I am often unsure why they love me; I have good medical care; my employer is patient and supportive; I have wonderful friends.
So what do I know? Today, having thought it through for a couple of days, I know that the mundane is an opportunity to look around and be grateful. Those of us who suffer 'episodes' of poor mental health may be much more fortunate than we realise.
During this week ahead I am going to try and be more grateful and produce, if you like, more of my own sunshine. I leave the last words today to Celia Thaxter. the 19th Century poet and author.
There shall be eternal summer in the grateful heart.
Friday 10 July 2009
Finding the gaps in the clouds
One of the themes of my new blog has been the weather - emotionally speaking that is. I have spoken of rain and I have spoken of sunshine.
I am becoming aware that even those of us who struggle with mental health issues can sometimes affect the 'weather' by the way we approach a day. Today could easily have become one of those 'duvet ducking' days, but I wanted to get to the end of the day and feel a little more positive about myself - always a great incentive for the following day. Sometimes just engaging in routine helps to 'change the weather' to continue the analogy. Shaving and showering, putting on clean clothes, giving oneself a small achievable target, all of those things which so many people take for granted can contain healing moments for the mental health sufferer.
Put another way, knowing you did a little more than you thought you could manage is all you need to accomplish to be able to stand in front of the mirror in the evening, look yourself in the eye and say 'well done'. It may well have the added benefit of producing some gaps in the clouds of your emotional weather allowing yourself to glimpse the sun once again.
I accept the caveat that for mental health sufferers it often isn't that simple. However, those of us plagued by mental health issues owe it to ourselves, and to those whom we love and keep loving us in return, to really want to get better, to get up and look for the sunshine.
Those of you, faithful friends who are following this blog, are now well aware that chronic anxiety is the main symptom of my depression. Today I managed to find some breaks in the clouds. It wasn't easy and my long term anxieties are still, to use yesterday's phrase, 'snapping at my heels', but I found a few breaks and I offer that as positive encouragement to fellow strugglers. I also hope it will serve as encouragement for me when the sun is hidden by the clouds again.
I am becoming aware that even those of us who struggle with mental health issues can sometimes affect the 'weather' by the way we approach a day. Today could easily have become one of those 'duvet ducking' days, but I wanted to get to the end of the day and feel a little more positive about myself - always a great incentive for the following day. Sometimes just engaging in routine helps to 'change the weather' to continue the analogy. Shaving and showering, putting on clean clothes, giving oneself a small achievable target, all of those things which so many people take for granted can contain healing moments for the mental health sufferer.
Put another way, knowing you did a little more than you thought you could manage is all you need to accomplish to be able to stand in front of the mirror in the evening, look yourself in the eye and say 'well done'. It may well have the added benefit of producing some gaps in the clouds of your emotional weather allowing yourself to glimpse the sun once again.
I accept the caveat that for mental health sufferers it often isn't that simple. However, those of us plagued by mental health issues owe it to ourselves, and to those whom we love and keep loving us in return, to really want to get better, to get up and look for the sunshine.
Those of you, faithful friends who are following this blog, are now well aware that chronic anxiety is the main symptom of my depression. Today I managed to find some breaks in the clouds. It wasn't easy and my long term anxieties are still, to use yesterday's phrase, 'snapping at my heels', but I found a few breaks and I offer that as positive encouragement to fellow strugglers. I also hope it will serve as encouragement for me when the sun is hidden by the clouds again.
Thursday 9 July 2009
Snapping at my heels
I blogged yesterday, albeit briefly, about the days the sun comes back out. Today I want to reflect on the impact long term anxiety has on the (emotional) sunshine.
Upon waking this morning I had a sense of dis-ease; to continue the analogy it was clouding over. Friends, who like me have had periods of poor mental health, have spoken to me about this and have said they have learned to 'push it away'. I know that they realise this is easier said than done. Today I became very anxious about something I have to address in about ten years time. The balance of probability suggests my long term prospects are good and my present position is secure, a position which many people would 'give their right arm for', as they say. So why worry about it now especially as the future would seem to be quite positive?
When you are frightened you can't just push the anxieties away and the only comparisons to which you give any attention are the ones that encourage you to consider that you have failed in some way. Comparisons which say, in effect, 'you don't know how lucky you are' don't seem to make any sense.
Anxiety is like a tenacious terrier, the kind of dog which snaps incessantly at your ankles trying to trip you up. You deal with one anxiety and, as it were, give yourself permission to feel ok about something. Then the terrier is there again, trying to find a way back in to disturb your short lived equilibrium and convince you that you have every reason to be afraid and how foolish and naive it was to stop worrying for a few hours.
I guess there comes a point when you have to dissuade the terrier from biting you by, metaphorically, kicking it swiftly and decisively - but please do be assured I would not do this to a real dog, I have a dog of my own and would use the label 'dog lover' of myself!
Anxiety sufferers know only too well that the tenacious terrier comes back time and time again. The 'heel snapping' recurs so often that you are not only afraid of the anxieties themselves but the fear of their return becomes an anxiety in its own right. Anxiety about anxiety we might call it. It is another form of the infinite regression of which I spoke of on Tuesday. It sounds rather self-indulgent but I promise you it is far from that. Sometimes, when the 'heel snapping' starts again, you can reach out and touch the fear which the anxiety engenders.
I have no pearls of wisdom today, my apologies for that, only the reflections above. But I am grateful for the few who are sharing the journey and I encourage you to leave your comments if you wish.
Now I really do have to let the (real) dog out!
Upon waking this morning I had a sense of dis-ease; to continue the analogy it was clouding over. Friends, who like me have had periods of poor mental health, have spoken to me about this and have said they have learned to 'push it away'. I know that they realise this is easier said than done. Today I became very anxious about something I have to address in about ten years time. The balance of probability suggests my long term prospects are good and my present position is secure, a position which many people would 'give their right arm for', as they say. So why worry about it now especially as the future would seem to be quite positive?
When you are frightened you can't just push the anxieties away and the only comparisons to which you give any attention are the ones that encourage you to consider that you have failed in some way. Comparisons which say, in effect, 'you don't know how lucky you are' don't seem to make any sense.
Anxiety is like a tenacious terrier, the kind of dog which snaps incessantly at your ankles trying to trip you up. You deal with one anxiety and, as it were, give yourself permission to feel ok about something. Then the terrier is there again, trying to find a way back in to disturb your short lived equilibrium and convince you that you have every reason to be afraid and how foolish and naive it was to stop worrying for a few hours.
I guess there comes a point when you have to dissuade the terrier from biting you by, metaphorically, kicking it swiftly and decisively - but please do be assured I would not do this to a real dog, I have a dog of my own and would use the label 'dog lover' of myself!
Anxiety sufferers know only too well that the tenacious terrier comes back time and time again. The 'heel snapping' recurs so often that you are not only afraid of the anxieties themselves but the fear of their return becomes an anxiety in its own right. Anxiety about anxiety we might call it. It is another form of the infinite regression of which I spoke of on Tuesday. It sounds rather self-indulgent but I promise you it is far from that. Sometimes, when the 'heel snapping' starts again, you can reach out and touch the fear which the anxiety engenders.
I have no pearls of wisdom today, my apologies for that, only the reflections above. But I am grateful for the few who are sharing the journey and I encourage you to leave your comments if you wish.
Now I really do have to let the (real) dog out!
Wednesday 8 July 2009
Rain and sunshine
A shorter offering today as I am very tired and need to rest. Mental health is adversely affected by tiredness and anyone on the journey to recovering health ignores this at their peril!
A long journey will inevitably conquer a mixed bag of weather. Mental health sufferers often talk of it raining, emotionally speaking, most of the time. It can feel like that. But today, thanks to a long suffering wife who, somehow and from somewhere, found some additional emotional resources to support me last night and this morning with gentleness and wise counsel, most of the day has been, relatively speaking, bathed in emotional sunshine.
Not a lot more to add except a further word or two of encouragement to my fellow sufferers. Trust me my friends, it doesn't rain all of the time, the sun does break through. Of course if you feel that it rains six days out of seven, how much more do you appreciate and look forward to the one day of brightness?
A long journey will inevitably conquer a mixed bag of weather. Mental health sufferers often talk of it raining, emotionally speaking, most of the time. It can feel like that. But today, thanks to a long suffering wife who, somehow and from somewhere, found some additional emotional resources to support me last night and this morning with gentleness and wise counsel, most of the day has been, relatively speaking, bathed in emotional sunshine.
Not a lot more to add except a further word or two of encouragement to my fellow sufferers. Trust me my friends, it doesn't rain all of the time, the sun does break through. Of course if you feel that it rains six days out of seven, how much more do you appreciate and look forward to the one day of brightness?
Tuesday 7 July 2009
Anxiety - regressive and destructive
The last few days have seen me besieged with anxiety. For extended periods of time I have experienced a kind of 'ground rush' where the anxiety comes so powerfully towards me that I fear being totally overwhelmed, have symptoms of nausea and shaking and have total belief in that which I fear the most, those things in other words, to which my anxiety gives its own credence and vailidity. There can be no doubt that for me, this is obsessive-compulsive in nature. At the very least, it has an obsessive-compulsive element.
I am a very pragamtic organised sort of person in my working life. I have a reputation for being very focussed and able to problem solve effectively, for being a good 'people person'. But within my own life not only do I find I cannot do these things but when I break a problem down into 'bite sized pieces' each one of those smaller pieces becomes a new problem with its own set of attendant difficulties. It is a process of infinite regression of the worst and most destructive kind.
So it was this morning, after a very tough few days, that I saw the medical team that is caring for me. Such an occasion is always very positive and I am made to feel welcomed, supported and valued. There is never any judgement and I leave feeling more positive than when I arrived - or at least I always leave believing that there is the potential for improvement. The need for a tweak to my medication has reminded me that I have to be in this for the long haul; the 'tweak' has been advised to try and balance out my anxiety in order that the recommended psychological therapy, in my case Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), becomes more effective. I suppose that acknowledgement is, in itself, a brave thing to admit. It feels a bit like having a guilty secret but it is not until you have spoken of it, that the 'secret' is out, that the potential for improvement becomes apparent.
If you are reading this and struggling with your own mental health but remain afraid to ask for medical support my advice is simply this - try not to be afriad, ask the question. My experience is that you will not regret it even though overnight transformations are pretty rare! Most important of all, say the word, tell people how you feel, tell them what troubles you, tell them what controls you. Once that is 'out in the open' as it were, the fear of actually speaking of 'it' has gone and you are not alone any more.
Thank you for continuing to share this journey.
I am a very pragamtic organised sort of person in my working life. I have a reputation for being very focussed and able to problem solve effectively, for being a good 'people person'. But within my own life not only do I find I cannot do these things but when I break a problem down into 'bite sized pieces' each one of those smaller pieces becomes a new problem with its own set of attendant difficulties. It is a process of infinite regression of the worst and most destructive kind.
So it was this morning, after a very tough few days, that I saw the medical team that is caring for me. Such an occasion is always very positive and I am made to feel welcomed, supported and valued. There is never any judgement and I leave feeling more positive than when I arrived - or at least I always leave believing that there is the potential for improvement. The need for a tweak to my medication has reminded me that I have to be in this for the long haul; the 'tweak' has been advised to try and balance out my anxiety in order that the recommended psychological therapy, in my case Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), becomes more effective. I suppose that acknowledgement is, in itself, a brave thing to admit. It feels a bit like having a guilty secret but it is not until you have spoken of it, that the 'secret' is out, that the potential for improvement becomes apparent.
If you are reading this and struggling with your own mental health but remain afraid to ask for medical support my advice is simply this - try not to be afriad, ask the question. My experience is that you will not regret it even though overnight transformations are pretty rare! Most important of all, say the word, tell people how you feel, tell them what troubles you, tell them what controls you. Once that is 'out in the open' as it were, the fear of actually speaking of 'it' has gone and you are not alone any more.
Thank you for continuing to share this journey.
Monday 6 July 2009
Truth and fear
Today's offering is in two parts as the title suggests.
Firstly truth. Truth is a painful commodity and perhaps when it is at its most painful it is also at its most truthful. I have been made aware today (in words of one syllable!) that my continued forays into such deep anxiety is driving my family away from me. However much I am reassured (by those whom I love the most) that much of my anxiety is unfounded, bouncing it all back to them using the now familiar 'yes, but what if...' formula is, in the long term, inherently damaging to our most precious possession - our relationships.
At some point I hope to find the moral courage to blog openly about my symptoms (I believe that for me severe anxiety is but a symptom of my underlying poor mental health) and draw some comments from those who are taking the time to keep reading as this develops. I do know that a couple of people are reading this and I am hugely grateful that they are sharing the journey.
Secondly fear. I have been privileged to encounter a new friendship and it is one which already means a great deal to me. This 'ordinary bloke' (that is the phrase he uses to describe himself) read my last blog and offered a thought via e-mail on my observations of those who find it difficult to maintain friendships with those who have mental health issues. His observation is simple and I believe accurate. People are afraid of those who are psychologically unwell - hence, I suppose, terms like 'nutter' and 'loony' which have long been part of our vernacular, and yes, I have been called both of those and a few more besides! If anyone reading this knows someone with a mental health issue may I offer two thoughts? First, please don't avoid them out of your fear; trust me, when you are unwell you need all the friends you can get! Second, the mentally unwell spend a lot of each day just being afraid of themselves; walk awhile alongside them, share your fears together, dispel some myths and discover how much you have in common.
Thanks again for sharing this personal journey of mine.
Firstly truth. Truth is a painful commodity and perhaps when it is at its most painful it is also at its most truthful. I have been made aware today (in words of one syllable!) that my continued forays into such deep anxiety is driving my family away from me. However much I am reassured (by those whom I love the most) that much of my anxiety is unfounded, bouncing it all back to them using the now familiar 'yes, but what if...' formula is, in the long term, inherently damaging to our most precious possession - our relationships.
At some point I hope to find the moral courage to blog openly about my symptoms (I believe that for me severe anxiety is but a symptom of my underlying poor mental health) and draw some comments from those who are taking the time to keep reading as this develops. I do know that a couple of people are reading this and I am hugely grateful that they are sharing the journey.
Secondly fear. I have been privileged to encounter a new friendship and it is one which already means a great deal to me. This 'ordinary bloke' (that is the phrase he uses to describe himself) read my last blog and offered a thought via e-mail on my observations of those who find it difficult to maintain friendships with those who have mental health issues. His observation is simple and I believe accurate. People are afraid of those who are psychologically unwell - hence, I suppose, terms like 'nutter' and 'loony' which have long been part of our vernacular, and yes, I have been called both of those and a few more besides! If anyone reading this knows someone with a mental health issue may I offer two thoughts? First, please don't avoid them out of your fear; trust me, when you are unwell you need all the friends you can get! Second, the mentally unwell spend a lot of each day just being afraid of themselves; walk awhile alongside them, share your fears together, dispel some myths and discover how much you have in common.
Thanks again for sharing this personal journey of mine.
Sunday 5 July 2009
Finding something positive and pushing through
I read back over my first blog, posted yesterday. It seemed rather negative although I didn't intend that. Sometimes when struggling with depression and anxiety it is very difficult to find anything positive to say. Understandably people do tire of hearing about it, especially those closest to you. I call those closest to us 'the unseen victims'; it's not their problem but, by its very nature, mental illness is pervasive and impacts hugely on our 'nearest and dearest'.
Quite deliberately then, today's blog has a positive slant. I have a good friend who reminds me, periodically, that 'it will all dry straight' - thanks Mal, you know who you are!. I like the imagery that message generates and I like the positive message it contains. If you put a mixed load of washing out some things dry more quickly than others. So it is with mental health. Those who are inclined to struggle with their mental health may be likened to a thick cotton bath towel. It will 'dry straight' but it takes a while.
Today I could have easily stayed in bed, therapists call it 'duvet ducking'. It is easy to convince yourself that there is every good reason for staying in bed but you have to tell yourself that is not true. Getting up is the hardest thing of the day sometimes. Anyone reading this who goes 'duvet ducking' I don't blame you. But today I dragged my sorry backside out of bed, showered and shaved and feeling better just for that I took myself off to a local church where I received a warm welcome and where I found much peace. Maybe that is not everybody's 'cup of tea' but I recommend allowing yourself to be surprised by the things that really do help.
Get up, do something, eat, talk to people and when you get to the end of the day look at yourself in the mirror and say 'well done, you found something positive and you pushed through'. By no means is this a 'cure all' but it does improve the quality of life for a short period.
I have no idea at this stage who, if anyone, is reading this blog. But if you are I hope there was something in today's 'positive blog' that helped you.
Final words are not mine but those of Joseph Addison, 1672-1719, the English Essayist.
The great essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for.
Quite deliberately then, today's blog has a positive slant. I have a good friend who reminds me, periodically, that 'it will all dry straight' - thanks Mal, you know who you are!. I like the imagery that message generates and I like the positive message it contains. If you put a mixed load of washing out some things dry more quickly than others. So it is with mental health. Those who are inclined to struggle with their mental health may be likened to a thick cotton bath towel. It will 'dry straight' but it takes a while.
Today I could have easily stayed in bed, therapists call it 'duvet ducking'. It is easy to convince yourself that there is every good reason for staying in bed but you have to tell yourself that is not true. Getting up is the hardest thing of the day sometimes. Anyone reading this who goes 'duvet ducking' I don't blame you. But today I dragged my sorry backside out of bed, showered and shaved and feeling better just for that I took myself off to a local church where I received a warm welcome and where I found much peace. Maybe that is not everybody's 'cup of tea' but I recommend allowing yourself to be surprised by the things that really do help.
Get up, do something, eat, talk to people and when you get to the end of the day look at yourself in the mirror and say 'well done, you found something positive and you pushed through'. By no means is this a 'cure all' but it does improve the quality of life for a short period.
I have no idea at this stage who, if anyone, is reading this blog. But if you are I hope there was something in today's 'positive blog' that helped you.
Final words are not mine but those of Joseph Addison, 1672-1719, the English Essayist.
The great essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for.
Saturday 4 July 2009
Where to start?
Where to start is the question uppermost in my mind right now. I don't really know where to start as I know almost nothing about blogging. Where to start is a pressing question for me each day of my life at the moment. I call it 'fighting the blues'. I say 'fighting' as this is a daily battle for me, an uphill climb if you like and a climb that only occasionally sees a reduced gradient.
I seem to have covered the first question I raised as I have started so now I am right into it - I didn't realise it would be that easy! So why am I doing this? Simple really. Diaries are good to let off steam and review progress or lack of it. And this is a kind of diary but one I want to share. I want to share so that people 'out there' might realise they are not struggling alone. As Monty Python used to say, 'there's a lot of it about'!
A lot? A lot of decent folks with a proclivity to mental illness. I think it is probably true to say that most people are prone to something or other! If you have weak ankle ligaments and fall often you won't normally find people avoid you when you talk about it. But prone to depression or anxiety? We simply don't talk about 'those kinds of things' at cocktail parties, or on the football terraces, or walking the dog. Whatever you do, whoever you mix with, however good your friends, if you are prone to mental health problems lots of normal (whatever 'normal' is) people simply don't want to know. I am not criticising them I simply report the facts from my personal experience. Put more simply, faced with something unfamiliar we sometimes run away.
You have to keep working at your mental health just like if you are a runner you have to keep working on your physical fitness. That is why I call this 'fighting the blues' because it really does feel like a fight and it is very much ongoing, well, it is for me anyway!
And so, whatever reason finds you here - welcome! Let me say that again as I do really mean it - WELCOME! If you are fortunate not to struggle with your own mental health I cannot pretend not to be envious and I simply add to my welcome the encouragement to be thankful and to ask you, if you can bear it, not to run away. If like me you 'battle the blues', in whatever way that presents itself in your life, to my welcome I simply add an invitation to share this journey and see what develops.
In my next post I will share some of my own symptoms and tell you more about the novice blogger who has begun this new adventure! For now, I am male, I am white, I am 47, I am married and I have children. And the whole of the last sentence is essentially irrelevant as depression and anxiety strikes indiscriminately.
One more thing before I go. This is not a medical page. I may from time to time say something about my own expereinces of medication but I am not qualified to give medical advice. OK, that's removed that particular ambiguity!
Have a nice day and thanks for sharing the journey thus far.
I seem to have covered the first question I raised as I have started so now I am right into it - I didn't realise it would be that easy! So why am I doing this? Simple really. Diaries are good to let off steam and review progress or lack of it. And this is a kind of diary but one I want to share. I want to share so that people 'out there' might realise they are not struggling alone. As Monty Python used to say, 'there's a lot of it about'!
A lot? A lot of decent folks with a proclivity to mental illness. I think it is probably true to say that most people are prone to something or other! If you have weak ankle ligaments and fall often you won't normally find people avoid you when you talk about it. But prone to depression or anxiety? We simply don't talk about 'those kinds of things' at cocktail parties, or on the football terraces, or walking the dog. Whatever you do, whoever you mix with, however good your friends, if you are prone to mental health problems lots of normal (whatever 'normal' is) people simply don't want to know. I am not criticising them I simply report the facts from my personal experience. Put more simply, faced with something unfamiliar we sometimes run away.
You have to keep working at your mental health just like if you are a runner you have to keep working on your physical fitness. That is why I call this 'fighting the blues' because it really does feel like a fight and it is very much ongoing, well, it is for me anyway!
And so, whatever reason finds you here - welcome! Let me say that again as I do really mean it - WELCOME! If you are fortunate not to struggle with your own mental health I cannot pretend not to be envious and I simply add to my welcome the encouragement to be thankful and to ask you, if you can bear it, not to run away. If like me you 'battle the blues', in whatever way that presents itself in your life, to my welcome I simply add an invitation to share this journey and see what develops.
In my next post I will share some of my own symptoms and tell you more about the novice blogger who has begun this new adventure! For now, I am male, I am white, I am 47, I am married and I have children. And the whole of the last sentence is essentially irrelevant as depression and anxiety strikes indiscriminately.
One more thing before I go. This is not a medical page. I may from time to time say something about my own expereinces of medication but I am not qualified to give medical advice. OK, that's removed that particular ambiguity!
Have a nice day and thanks for sharing the journey thus far.
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