I am being rather naughty! My work computer is (for some unexplained reason) blocked from accessing this blogging site but I've managed to circumvent the system - I'm not a geek but I'm quite pleased to have scored a little victory. I hope others can do the same to read this blog and gain some insight, reassurance and support from it.
I am back at work after a three week break and finding it very difficult. My personal confidence has gone AWOL and I am feeling very low. Later on I will go for my run and hope that, like yesterday, this will pick me up a bit. For now I am struggling again and that in itself is depressing as on a day like today my anxieties are tangible and potent.
In the meantime I am going to spend the day trying to achieve little victories, like breaking through an IT cordon and feeling good after my run. Perhaps it's a timely reminder not to get so anxious (as I do terribly) about the future as this usually 'comes out in the wash' but to take one small step at a time.
Tuesday 30 August 2011
Sunday 21 August 2011
A short 'break out'.
I have had a few very bad days - personally and domestically. I'm not being self-indulgent and I'm not looking for sympathy I simply report the facts. My anxiety levels have been through the roof. As irrational as people tell me these anxieties are they have felt as real as they could possibly be, so real I could reach out and touch them.
In such circumstances it's very difficult to 'break out'. Good weather helps and so, when checking the weather forecast last night to discover much sunshine was forecast, I determined to spend as much time as possible outside today, being productive and soaking up the rays.
I feel better for it even although as soon as I came back inside the anxiety levels started to climb rapidly. Nevertheless, to those of you who follow this blog who suffer similar symptoms to me take some heart; take heart that even when things are really bad it is possible to find the odd little gap to 'break out'.
In such circumstances it's very difficult to 'break out'. Good weather helps and so, when checking the weather forecast last night to discover much sunshine was forecast, I determined to spend as much time as possible outside today, being productive and soaking up the rays.
I feel better for it even although as soon as I came back inside the anxiety levels started to climb rapidly. Nevertheless, to those of you who follow this blog who suffer similar symptoms to me take some heart; take heart that even when things are really bad it is possible to find the odd little gap to 'break out'.
Wednesday 17 August 2011
Unwelcome house guest refuses to leave
There has been a shorter gap between blogs this time and I hope to continue that. To those faithful souls who are still following, thank you.
The last few days I feel as though I have been caught in the line of fire of a weapon set to fire automatically and with little pause between rounds. Sad to report this is because there appears to me top be an increasing number of triggers for my anxiety not less. This, frankly, is frightening, I simply do not feel I am getting any better and the anxieties (well documented in earlier blogs, always about financial matters and very often about my sons' futures) feel less like anxieties and more like realities. To illustrate this I offer an example from this morning: the unemployment figures released this morning showed a surprise increase of just over 37,000. Some commentators jumped on the 'gloom bandwagon' predicting all sorts of disaster, some not much short of Armageddon! Others were more circumspect arguing it serves to underline the fact that a recovery is bumpy and this recovery is proving to be no exception. Selfishly, I panicked interpreting it as a disaster for my sons' futures even though the eldest will not enter the jobs' market for at least two, more likely three, years. And when they do so they will both be graduates from excellent universities, holding academically rigorous and respected degrees, to say nothing of their wider skills.
So why is it, I keep asking myself, that I continue to be enmeshed in this 'vulnerability trap'? Why does my mind fast track a piece of media information down the channel which reprocesses it as further proof, proof mind you, that I have a problem and so do my sons? As a CBT practitioner I would be saying something like 'ok, so where is the evidence; where is the evidence that an unexpected increase in unemployment in one quarter spells doom and disaster for my sons? Given the timelines, academic profile and life skills mentioned above there really isn't much evidence if any at all. And I am fortunate that my own employment is secure and will continue to be so.
A more appropriate response would be to feel desperately sorry for those who have lost jobs in the last quarter and spare a thought and a prayer for their future to improve very soon.
Many people have said to me I should just 'get a grip' - if I could, I would and I would have done so a long time ago. It's not that simple. The triggers will probably come thick and fast for a while as the economic commentators compete for our media attention and in doing so they have often been very selective with their presentation and interpretation of data - there are, after all, 'lies damned lies and statistics'!
A very dear friend who is not an economist but works much closer to the market place where the majority of my triggers emanate from continues to assert by e-mail, text and telephone conversation that despite the triggers which presently abound nothing has changed for me or my sons and my anxieties are groundless. She is kind and patient beyond the definitions of those adjectives. Ultimately I need to find a way of believing it for myself then my life would not be smitten my sporadic but regular and horrendous sadness and misery - and I don't mean that to sound self-indulgent I am just speaking the truth plainly.
Another very dear and close friend, a brother priest, said to me a while ago 'this isn't about money'. He suggested, with some persuasiveness, that the anxiety and its attendant sadness and low mood are rooted elsewhere. I think he is right and yet whilst accepting that analysis the reality is the anxieties are a real and continual powerful and destructive force in my life.
So can I do anything else? I'm finding it very difficult to treat the anxiety as an unwelcome houseguest as my psychologist suggested and engage in some opposites, activity which denies the anxiety, a kind of emotional counter-terrorism! The houseguest has taken root in my favourite chair and that emotional counter-terrorism presently seems to be completely ineffective in ejecting him. But I will try harder. Of course I can also keep an open mind about 'cause and effect' - I'm uncomfortably familiar with the effects and what I feel are the causes ('triggers') but I might need to look a little deeper - and I am pretty sure I know where to start!
The last few days I feel as though I have been caught in the line of fire of a weapon set to fire automatically and with little pause between rounds. Sad to report this is because there appears to me top be an increasing number of triggers for my anxiety not less. This, frankly, is frightening, I simply do not feel I am getting any better and the anxieties (well documented in earlier blogs, always about financial matters and very often about my sons' futures) feel less like anxieties and more like realities. To illustrate this I offer an example from this morning: the unemployment figures released this morning showed a surprise increase of just over 37,000. Some commentators jumped on the 'gloom bandwagon' predicting all sorts of disaster, some not much short of Armageddon! Others were more circumspect arguing it serves to underline the fact that a recovery is bumpy and this recovery is proving to be no exception. Selfishly, I panicked interpreting it as a disaster for my sons' futures even though the eldest will not enter the jobs' market for at least two, more likely three, years. And when they do so they will both be graduates from excellent universities, holding academically rigorous and respected degrees, to say nothing of their wider skills.
So why is it, I keep asking myself, that I continue to be enmeshed in this 'vulnerability trap'? Why does my mind fast track a piece of media information down the channel which reprocesses it as further proof, proof mind you, that I have a problem and so do my sons? As a CBT practitioner I would be saying something like 'ok, so where is the evidence; where is the evidence that an unexpected increase in unemployment in one quarter spells doom and disaster for my sons? Given the timelines, academic profile and life skills mentioned above there really isn't much evidence if any at all. And I am fortunate that my own employment is secure and will continue to be so.
A more appropriate response would be to feel desperately sorry for those who have lost jobs in the last quarter and spare a thought and a prayer for their future to improve very soon.
Many people have said to me I should just 'get a grip' - if I could, I would and I would have done so a long time ago. It's not that simple. The triggers will probably come thick and fast for a while as the economic commentators compete for our media attention and in doing so they have often been very selective with their presentation and interpretation of data - there are, after all, 'lies damned lies and statistics'!
A very dear friend who is not an economist but works much closer to the market place where the majority of my triggers emanate from continues to assert by e-mail, text and telephone conversation that despite the triggers which presently abound nothing has changed for me or my sons and my anxieties are groundless. She is kind and patient beyond the definitions of those adjectives. Ultimately I need to find a way of believing it for myself then my life would not be smitten my sporadic but regular and horrendous sadness and misery - and I don't mean that to sound self-indulgent I am just speaking the truth plainly.
Another very dear and close friend, a brother priest, said to me a while ago 'this isn't about money'. He suggested, with some persuasiveness, that the anxiety and its attendant sadness and low mood are rooted elsewhere. I think he is right and yet whilst accepting that analysis the reality is the anxieties are a real and continual powerful and destructive force in my life.
So can I do anything else? I'm finding it very difficult to treat the anxiety as an unwelcome houseguest as my psychologist suggested and engage in some opposites, activity which denies the anxiety, a kind of emotional counter-terrorism! The houseguest has taken root in my favourite chair and that emotional counter-terrorism presently seems to be completely ineffective in ejecting him. But I will try harder. Of course I can also keep an open mind about 'cause and effect' - I'm uncomfortably familiar with the effects and what I feel are the causes ('triggers') but I might need to look a little deeper - and I am pretty sure I know where to start!
Tuesday 9 August 2011
Two steps forward, one step backwards.
Just an update. I was doing quite well considering I had to move and start a new job. But the stock market getting bouncy has triggered all my old anxieties and a few new ones into the bargain and I got 'bouncy' as well! Not pleasant.
I am trying to remain positive and whilst discussing the stock market I have come to the conclusion there's no point tyring to convince myself these triggers (financial headlines) are easy to cope with and challenge with positive thinking, they're not. So let me make a direct comparison. Sure, the ftse has had a hard time lately but where is it compared to two years ago - much higher. Of course, it's a lot lower than last month but, like my battle with anxiety and depression, it is probably two steps forward one step back. The economic recovery will be slow and a bit bouncy - but this is better than a sudden huge increase in fortunes followed by a large drop, what has been called 'boom and bust'. I know there will be casualties along the way and this will always be sad and tragic but sometimes one has to look at the bigger picture. And the bigger picture of my own recovery is also two steps forward and one step back - but right now it feels like the opposite.
Sometimes we have to hold on for a bumpy ride but it's a ride that will get less bumpy as time goes on, whether it's the economy or my own recovery. But I'm not saying it isn't painful on the days you're pegged back, it's very painful.
Right now my anxiety levels are about 9 out of 10 and that's not good. So I am going to hold onto the kind, patient and gentle advice of a couple of very close friends who say 'hang on in there', my sons prospects are good (I'm not going to reherase the old arguments, if you follow the blog you've read them before and typing them out again makes me more anxious even though it's designed to do the opposite) and my employment is secure.
I'm off to try and believe what my clearer minded friends tell me and hopefully then to use that to encourage me to smile, enjoy daily life and count my blessings.
If you're reading this and your recovery is presently bumpy my prayers and thoughts are with you.
I am trying to remain positive and whilst discussing the stock market I have come to the conclusion there's no point tyring to convince myself these triggers (financial headlines) are easy to cope with and challenge with positive thinking, they're not. So let me make a direct comparison. Sure, the ftse has had a hard time lately but where is it compared to two years ago - much higher. Of course, it's a lot lower than last month but, like my battle with anxiety and depression, it is probably two steps forward one step back. The economic recovery will be slow and a bit bouncy - but this is better than a sudden huge increase in fortunes followed by a large drop, what has been called 'boom and bust'. I know there will be casualties along the way and this will always be sad and tragic but sometimes one has to look at the bigger picture. And the bigger picture of my own recovery is also two steps forward and one step back - but right now it feels like the opposite.
Sometimes we have to hold on for a bumpy ride but it's a ride that will get less bumpy as time goes on, whether it's the economy or my own recovery. But I'm not saying it isn't painful on the days you're pegged back, it's very painful.
Right now my anxiety levels are about 9 out of 10 and that's not good. So I am going to hold onto the kind, patient and gentle advice of a couple of very close friends who say 'hang on in there', my sons prospects are good (I'm not going to reherase the old arguments, if you follow the blog you've read them before and typing them out again makes me more anxious even though it's designed to do the opposite) and my employment is secure.
I'm off to try and believe what my clearer minded friends tell me and hopefully then to use that to encourage me to smile, enjoy daily life and count my blessings.
If you're reading this and your recovery is presently bumpy my prayers and thoughts are with you.
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