The journey is a marathon

I am starting this without really having a purpose in mind other than to maintain some kind of momentum. Momentum can be a rare commodity for us long term sufferers of mental health problems.  The last few days 'diabolical' has been viciously persistent and this has challenged me on so many levels.  Worst of all has been that the rational voices, the good demons I described in my last post, have been repeatedly shouted down by the voluminous 'diabolical' to the point they appear, on occasion, to have vanished altogether.

I am very tired of it. And, as I have said before, whilst I don't feel sorry for myself and am not looking for sympathy, some acceptance and understanding is always welcome!

Tiredness is a key factor in all of this.  I think any mental health patient (at whatever stage they are) would say there are many days when fighting back is as exhausting as running a marathon.


Just like in Cavafy's poem 'Ithaka' the journey is just as, if not more important than, the eventual destination.  Mental health patients get this too.  However, for us the journey is, sadly, so often about daily struggle.

My short blog today ends simply with this 'pause for thought': it feels like a marathon because it is a marathon!  Nevertheless, however slowly you run, however much your anxieties and fears add weight to your back as you are running, we have to keep the destination in mind and accept the fact that some days the journey is purgatory (and thus it is hard to heed Cavafy's assertion about the inherent validity of the journey) whilst if we 'press on' some days, even if only rarely, the sun does and will shine.

The diabolical shouts louder

It is indeed remarkable to observe that for the first time in, I don't know so let's just say 'ages', I have posted on three consecutive days.  I am sat here making myself;  I have had a very difficult day in which the negative 'demon' on my shoulder has over powered the positive one time and time again.

The Greek word for demon, δαίμων, was originally rather neutral and certainly did not embody the instinctively negative connotations it has today.  Demons were supernatural, spiritual beings who could indeed be malevolent even evil but they could also be benevolent, despite the christian biblical tradition which essentially considers the devil, διάβολος (the root of our modern word for 'diabolical'), to be, if you like, the chief demon.

So, you may well ask, where is all of this leading?  Anxiety for me is like having a demon on each shoulder - one good, balanced, reasoned and rational and one, shall we say 'diabolical'.  I spoke to a close friend today whose daughter is taking a little time to find work.  She is bright (holding a good degree), articulate and well balanced.  She will find the right post before too long for, as one of the people I trust most in this world reminded me today, there is still work but at the moment it might just take a little longer to find it.

Whilst it may seem terrible, this is only a transitory phase in the economic life of the country and, therefore, as we come through into the other side of this financial reorganisation matters will steadily improve. Furthermore, and now forgive me as I am going to become explicitly anecdotal, my eldest son will graduate in the summer of 2013 and will then, possibly train for a further year to go into teaching the subject that he loves, music.  It is January 2011 and the bad demon on my shoulder has encouraged me to believe (because of the news about my friend's daughter) that in 2014 when my eldest son looks for his first permanent position (and not until 2017 for my youngest son) there is ample evidence to suggest, nay prove, that there will be nothing for him.

The 'good demon' is quietly, gently, urging me to heed the more reasoned and rational approach I have already described but the διάβολος shouts louder.  The 'good demon' is characteristically what the psalmist calls the 'still small voice of calm'.  I am hoping that the quieter voice will persist and persuade me to stop stressing and accept that the conclusions I have drawn are each, truly, a non sequitir.  And let me not forget that as dark as my mind feels today the evidence of the past has shown me, time and again, that all I feared and worried and worried and worried about proved groundless.

There are no guarantees for the future for any of us, not even one.  But the rational side of me, the advice of those whom I love and my past experience, all of which make up the 'good demon', do suggest today's anxiety is unfounded and irrational.  I just wish the 'good demon' would speak up a bit and the διάβολος would just 'poke off'!  Then maybe when my anxieties raise their ugly head again I might come to believe they are unfounded and learn to shout them down for myself.

Misdiagnosis and infinite regression

This is the first time for, truthfully I cannot remember how long, that I have posted two days in a row.  I have been slightly buoyed by yesterday’s problem solving exercises despite my mind continuing to attempt to persuade me that I have not problem solved anything at all and have probably missed something terribly important.  Therefore, I better stand by as the whole thing is about to come tumbling down upon me!

I was privileged, yesterday, to spend some time with a colleague whom I met for the first time and whom I sense will become a new and true friend; he has already become a confidant.  We spoke together about what I would paraphrase as the malfunction of the mind which fails to accept its own rational interpretation or, indeed, the advice of those better informed and whose perspective is more accurately and appropriately tuned than our own.  He was significantly more succinct then me and used the word 'misdiagnosis'.  By that he meant, I think, that even when we see our anxieties for what they are - nothing to be stressed about and, for the most part, unfounded - we still feel we may have missed something, or that those who advise us may actually have got it wrong.

There is, I think, a medical analogy to be made here - just as Doctors do sometimes misdiagnose a patient and tell them they are in good health when, in fact, they are quite unwell.  So do those of us who continue to struggle with anxiety believe that even when we have successfully problem solved a perceived issue, managed to divert negative automatic thoughts and produce a more rational and coherent contrary argument, we have ourselves engaged in a process of misdiagnosis and have actually, in simple terms, not problem solved anything but missed the point completely.

What can I say - rationally I can see that this is the worst kind of infinite regression.  My mind keeps telling me it isn't.  My hope and my prayer will continue to be simply this - that in time my mind will acquiesce and accept the overwhelming evidence that urges me not to be anxious.  For the time being I have to report honestly that I continue to believe in misdiagnosis and my foray into the landscape of infinite regression continues on an (almost) daily basis.  However, at least it is only almost every day.  Therein lies a nugget of hope!

Today

I've let it slip again - another quite long delay between posts for which many apologies. The usual reason applies - I have been struggling with my anxieties 'big style'!

However, despite the fact that my anxiety levels are currently averaging about 8 out of 10, despite the fact that I have a very difficult few days (oh yes, you would not believe it!) I want to briefly reflect positively in the hope it offers encouragement to others. This is very hard for me to do as I am having to push through and convince myself that I can use some praise, maybe even a few superlatives, to describe myself even though I cannot believe they are true just as I cannot convince myself my anxieties are anything other than real, living, present and even worse than I can imagine.

Today - met a new colleague who, like me, struggles with anxiety. Mine always focus on finance (and related arenas of my little world) his are different issues but we found a common bond, were able to share similar experiences about our individual 'head space' and offered each other support and prayer - fantastic.

Today - had a long drive to help sort out a complicated business matter for my son who is at university. I problem solved almost all of the issues whilst remaining calm and focussed - on the outside anyway!

Today- I chatted to a person who has become a very close friend who has given me more help than one could imagine - thank you, you know who you are.

Today - I faced a difficult life choice. This issue is far from decided or resolved but I looked at it full in the face!

Today - I reorganised my long term financial planning. This is an area of my life where the stress and anxiety is off the scale. I managed to do this when I was very tired and remained calm; ok, I had one panic attack but give me a break.

Today - I maintained a sense of humour (mostly!).

Today - I have updated my blog. Although this has been largely anecdotal it is positive, honest and reflective. I have (almost) managed to give myself a pat on the back!

Oh yes, today I received an invitation to speak at a large conference and I accepted!

Truthfully, I feel rough, stressed, tired and uncontrollably anxious - but I have still managed to extract the positives from this.

Stay strong, fellow sufferers, keep the faith and remember, soon there will be more day light! Hurrah!