I haven't much felt like blogging as I had the 'flu as did my whole family. Never mind it is over now and I am back running again.
I had an excellent meeting with my CPN today who has helped me see that my levels of (sometimes overwhelming) anxiety are a symptom of my illness that will pass in time. I am certain that my character means I worry more than a lot of people. That being said, I am encouraged to believe that I will gradually be able to exercise more control over my frighteningly obsessive anxieties. This I hope to accomplish through therapy, my own problem-solving and challenging my negative thinking. Crucially, this one conversation with my CPN has, at least for the time being, encouraged me hugely and I am now a little less afraid. My prayer is that this continues.
Fellow mental health sufferers take heart! I do feel I have come out into some sunshine again and whilst I know (mixing my metaphors - sorry!) that I am not out of the woods and there will be plenty of cloudy days to come, I do feel I have to conclude this blog very positively and make the following simple points. I have had a bad period, no doubt about it but I do believe that progress is being made. I have had two good days in a row. I am getting fitter, physically and mentally.
To celebrate this achievement I had a fish and chip supper. So I am also trying to rejoice in the small pleasures in life!
Two big tasks to work on. First to try and hold onto this belief that the worst of my symptomatic presentation will ease as I gain more control. Second, to compare myself to others less and thus be more content with who and what I am.
I am happy to end, as I began, positively and hope very much that it encourages others.
Wednesday 30 September 2009
Wednesday 23 September 2009
Despite the faith - checking and re-checking
I have read an interesting article in a psychology journal published online which describes the obsessive need to check and re-check (as a symptom of a mental health issue) as reassuring in the short term but counter-productive in the long term.
I am struggling with this and have been (again) for a few days. My anxieties, as you know because I promised to blog honestly and openly, are always about financial matters, and specifically (almost) always about future finances. So I keep a careful check on my finances, I record all expenditure and future bills meticulously. I also project my future savings figure and whilst not being a complete slave to them this should offer some reassurance it doesn't! So I revisit the paper work time and time again - I had managed to avoid this for a couple of weeks but it has returned with a vengeance. I worry about next month, I worry about offering some support to my offspring when they go to university (and vicariously I worry about their student loans and (when they have them) how long they will take to pay off), I worry about my retirement income. The whole thing has become invasive and oppressive again. I truly wish it were different.
As soon as I have finished writing this the temptation will be to review the figures again seeking further reassurance and fearing I have missed something. The most destructive thing is the sense of failure that comes with it. How many people can pay for their children's university education? How many people can afford to go out and buy a new car? How many people can afford to clear their mortgage? Not me and not most people and yet it leaves me feeling I have failed.
I am not obsessed with the numbers per se but whatever they are I am regularly left feeling I have failed and all is doom and gloom. I accept that this is a continuing symptom of my illness but it is, once again, having a severely negative impact on the quality of my life.
Now here is a revelation -for anyone who is still reading. I am a priest, I have a strong faith (most of the time!) but my faith and belief system is not helping me through this right now. So, to those faithful souls who are still following please leave a comment, tell me what you think or e-mail if you prefer. In the meantime all I have done in this blog today is be open and honest and hope that at some point I will feel its catharsis. Oh yes, and I have to try not to go back to the figures - again and again and again and again!
One final thing, which whilst slightly mischievous is genuinely not intended to be trivial. Anyone who has similar obsessive/anankastic symptoms who feels the need to wash their hands 500 times a day let me know; perhaps we could swap for a couple of weeks!
Sorry not meaning to be negative just truthful - thank you for continuing to share the journey?
I am struggling with this and have been (again) for a few days. My anxieties, as you know because I promised to blog honestly and openly, are always about financial matters, and specifically (almost) always about future finances. So I keep a careful check on my finances, I record all expenditure and future bills meticulously. I also project my future savings figure and whilst not being a complete slave to them this should offer some reassurance it doesn't! So I revisit the paper work time and time again - I had managed to avoid this for a couple of weeks but it has returned with a vengeance. I worry about next month, I worry about offering some support to my offspring when they go to university (and vicariously I worry about their student loans and (when they have them) how long they will take to pay off), I worry about my retirement income. The whole thing has become invasive and oppressive again. I truly wish it were different.
As soon as I have finished writing this the temptation will be to review the figures again seeking further reassurance and fearing I have missed something. The most destructive thing is the sense of failure that comes with it. How many people can pay for their children's university education? How many people can afford to go out and buy a new car? How many people can afford to clear their mortgage? Not me and not most people and yet it leaves me feeling I have failed.
I am not obsessed with the numbers per se but whatever they are I am regularly left feeling I have failed and all is doom and gloom. I accept that this is a continuing symptom of my illness but it is, once again, having a severely negative impact on the quality of my life.
Now here is a revelation -for anyone who is still reading. I am a priest, I have a strong faith (most of the time!) but my faith and belief system is not helping me through this right now. So, to those faithful souls who are still following please leave a comment, tell me what you think or e-mail if you prefer. In the meantime all I have done in this blog today is be open and honest and hope that at some point I will feel its catharsis. Oh yes, and I have to try not to go back to the figures - again and again and again and again!
One final thing, which whilst slightly mischievous is genuinely not intended to be trivial. Anyone who has similar obsessive/anankastic symptoms who feels the need to wash their hands 500 times a day let me know; perhaps we could swap for a couple of weeks!
Sorry not meaning to be negative just truthful - thank you for continuing to share the journey?
Tuesday 22 September 2009
Clearing the bar
A friend got in touch last night and asked if I was ok on account of the fact that I haven't blogged for a week. A fair question as my stated aim when I began was to blog most days. The truth is last week I was working hard on, shall we say, 'moving the bar up'. By that I mean trying to challenge myself to, metaphorically, jump a little higher.
I have been running a lot, 4 miles every day, and now average around 33 minutes for this distance - not bad for 47! It could be worse, I could be only 33 (I wish) and running 4 miles in 47 minutes! There is no doubt that exercise improves both mind and body and even on my bad days a run does help clear my mind for a little while.
Last week then was about 60% good which is excellent compared to February when I went into hospital. Why then, I wonder, was the weekend so full of anxiety? Yesterday was awful and it was triggered by that rather pompous CBI chap saying students should pay more for their education and the concomitant worry for me about my son starting his undergraduate studies next year. Of course my worry was out of proportion (and rationally I know that) as it was only a recommendation from one body and any review is unlikely to take place until after the next General Election but those of you who have followed this blog will know that for me, rational or irrational, my anxiety is almost always about finances.
But why, when I have successfully 'pushed the bar up, do I still relapse and why are those relapses so painful? Perhaps it is a symptom of gradually getting better (see my previous blog on the FTSE). For the time being I am going to try and believe that and try to keep pushing the bar up even further and remember that when breaking the high jump world record the bar gets knocked off many times before the new height is finally cleared.
I have been running a lot, 4 miles every day, and now average around 33 minutes for this distance - not bad for 47! It could be worse, I could be only 33 (I wish) and running 4 miles in 47 minutes! There is no doubt that exercise improves both mind and body and even on my bad days a run does help clear my mind for a little while.
Last week then was about 60% good which is excellent compared to February when I went into hospital. Why then, I wonder, was the weekend so full of anxiety? Yesterday was awful and it was triggered by that rather pompous CBI chap saying students should pay more for their education and the concomitant worry for me about my son starting his undergraduate studies next year. Of course my worry was out of proportion (and rationally I know that) as it was only a recommendation from one body and any review is unlikely to take place until after the next General Election but those of you who have followed this blog will know that for me, rational or irrational, my anxiety is almost always about finances.
But why, when I have successfully 'pushed the bar up, do I still relapse and why are those relapses so painful? Perhaps it is a symptom of gradually getting better (see my previous blog on the FTSE). For the time being I am going to try and believe that and try to keep pushing the bar up even further and remember that when breaking the high jump world record the bar gets knocked off many times before the new height is finally cleared.
Tuesday 15 September 2009
That smile has gone
Today's blog is short but it is also sad. I found out yesterday that a young woman who was in hospital at the same time as me (earlier this year) has died. She smiled so much of the time and even on her bad days she always gave me a warm and cheeky smile which cheered up my darkest moments. I wish I had managed to be so gracious in return but I freely confess I often just couldn't do it.
I don't know much about her tragic and untimely death (she was, I seem to remember only 30) but a mutual friend told me it was thought to be natural causes. What I do know is that even when she had almost no reserves of her own she touched my life and the lives of so many others and enriched us all in consequence.
I am a Christian and I do believe in a better life to come. I reckon her smile will now be brightening up everybody's day 'up there' and I pray, quite sincerely, that she is now at peace. For the time being though, we are sure going to miss her.
I don't know much about her tragic and untimely death (she was, I seem to remember only 30) but a mutual friend told me it was thought to be natural causes. What I do know is that even when she had almost no reserves of her own she touched my life and the lives of so many others and enriched us all in consequence.
I am a Christian and I do believe in a better life to come. I reckon her smile will now be brightening up everybody's day 'up there' and I pray, quite sincerely, that she is now at peace. For the time being though, we are sure going to miss her.
Friday 11 September 2009
On the bus...off the bus!
Yesterday the FTSE 100 Share Index broke through what financial analysts call 'the all-important psychological 5000 barrier'. Some catch phrase!
In past blogs I have compared my own battle with mental health as a little like the FTSE - bouncing along, some good days and some bad, but hopefully gently nudging in the right direction. Of course, knowing that and believing that are two completely different things.
This week I have been up and down quite a lot. And some days, have themselves, developed their own micro-climate, for want of a better phrase, in that each day has had good and bad elements. This is no different to normal life which has the good, the bad and the indifferent. We could launch on a process of infinite regression and say not only each life, but each year, each month, each week, each day and maybe even each hour contains that complete spectrum of good, bad and indifferent. But I no longer find over-analysis either helpful or productive and am working, rather, towards taking an average as I mentioned in my last blog.
Nevertheless I do feel a little like 'on the bus...off the bus' recently. I am improving but the carapace appears wafer thin at times making it brittle and vulnerable. So I am trying to make it simple. I am going to persist with the omnibus analogy and look at it like this - well I am going to try anyway!
There are times I feel I have got off a few stops too early. So I simply have to be patient and wait for the next 'bus. Surely one will come along in a minute or two? Let's hope, unlike when I lived in London many years ago, that I wait for ages then three or four come along at once! Which one do I get on? The problem for me right now, pursuing the analogy further, is that the destination boards are blank and forward progress still feels rather dangerous.
In Alice in Wonderland, if my memory serves me correctly, Alice asks to the Mad Hatter which way she should go to which he replies that it depends where she wants to get to. She claims to not know to which the Mad Hatter responds that it doesn't much matter which way she goes!
My problem right now is the opposite - I do know where I want to get to but I am unsure which 'bus will take me there and which stop I need to get off at!
To return (briefly) to the FTSE 100 analogy we may have passed through the 5000 barrier yesterday but can we yet be certain about the long term destination?
In past blogs I have compared my own battle with mental health as a little like the FTSE - bouncing along, some good days and some bad, but hopefully gently nudging in the right direction. Of course, knowing that and believing that are two completely different things.
This week I have been up and down quite a lot. And some days, have themselves, developed their own micro-climate, for want of a better phrase, in that each day has had good and bad elements. This is no different to normal life which has the good, the bad and the indifferent. We could launch on a process of infinite regression and say not only each life, but each year, each month, each week, each day and maybe even each hour contains that complete spectrum of good, bad and indifferent. But I no longer find over-analysis either helpful or productive and am working, rather, towards taking an average as I mentioned in my last blog.
Nevertheless I do feel a little like 'on the bus...off the bus' recently. I am improving but the carapace appears wafer thin at times making it brittle and vulnerable. So I am trying to make it simple. I am going to persist with the omnibus analogy and look at it like this - well I am going to try anyway!
There are times I feel I have got off a few stops too early. So I simply have to be patient and wait for the next 'bus. Surely one will come along in a minute or two? Let's hope, unlike when I lived in London many years ago, that I wait for ages then three or four come along at once! Which one do I get on? The problem for me right now, pursuing the analogy further, is that the destination boards are blank and forward progress still feels rather dangerous.
In Alice in Wonderland, if my memory serves me correctly, Alice asks to the Mad Hatter which way she should go to which he replies that it depends where she wants to get to. She claims to not know to which the Mad Hatter responds that it doesn't much matter which way she goes!
My problem right now is the opposite - I do know where I want to get to but I am unsure which 'bus will take me there and which stop I need to get off at!
To return (briefly) to the FTSE 100 analogy we may have passed through the 5000 barrier yesterday but can we yet be certain about the long term destination?
Friday 4 September 2009
Taking an average
Today is a pretty good day. The rain has stopped for a start and the sun is shining! I have been running again and am now covering much more distance in the same time and feeling stronger and fitter for it.
This has caused me to reflect on the 'ups and downs' of a mental health patient working hard on recovery. Perspective is most difficult to achieve on the bad days but I am beginning to see how important it is to work on averages. Now I am no mathematician but I do know that if you take an average of, say the stock market for example, the overall trend over a period of time is climbing and just because it has a few bad days doesn't mean it is in terminal decline.
Fear is a key issue for me in my mental health recovery; I am frightened on the bad days that I am not improving but showing signs of what I have called 'terminal decline'. On good days like today, then, it is incumbent upon me to record the positives, to remind myself of the overall trend and, if necessary, take some kind of average. Returning on a regular basis to this, if you like, empirical psychology, should give encouragement and provide incentive to maintain momentum even on the bad days. I am going to work harder on this.
This has caused me to reflect on the 'ups and downs' of a mental health patient working hard on recovery. Perspective is most difficult to achieve on the bad days but I am beginning to see how important it is to work on averages. Now I am no mathematician but I do know that if you take an average of, say the stock market for example, the overall trend over a period of time is climbing and just because it has a few bad days doesn't mean it is in terminal decline.
Fear is a key issue for me in my mental health recovery; I am frightened on the bad days that I am not improving but showing signs of what I have called 'terminal decline'. On good days like today, then, it is incumbent upon me to record the positives, to remind myself of the overall trend and, if necessary, take some kind of average. Returning on a regular basis to this, if you like, empirical psychology, should give encouragement and provide incentive to maintain momentum even on the bad days. I am going to work harder on this.
Thursday 3 September 2009
Reducing the damage on half measures
In one of my recent blogs ('Collateral Damage' 26 Aug 09) I described the unpleasant side effects of some mental health medication. Some of the side effects have a negative effect on the patient's sense of well being for whilst they may be necessary in a pharmacological sense, simply put, if they make you feel like rubbish you don't exactly feel like you are making any progress.
I spoke with my consultant about this a couple of days ago. I fully expected my medication to be changed again. Instead he suggested reducing the dose, thus (hopefully) minimising the side effects, and seeing how I get on. As I write this I am on half measures!
I don't know what is going to happen next. I do know that this change has produced an additional layer of anxiety - but then I 'do' anxiety as regular followers of this blog know only too well! But I also know that my long term goal has to be psychological therapies (rather than medical-chemical ones) and self-reliance. If I am totally honest I would say this is still a small light at the end of a very long tunnel.
Nevertheless, this recent change may brighten the light or shorten the tunnel - or maybe both! If the side effects diminish without any sense of my mental health regressing I will be extremely pleased. For the time being I am very anxious but am hoping and praying for this most positive of outcomes.
I spoke with my consultant about this a couple of days ago. I fully expected my medication to be changed again. Instead he suggested reducing the dose, thus (hopefully) minimising the side effects, and seeing how I get on. As I write this I am on half measures!
I don't know what is going to happen next. I do know that this change has produced an additional layer of anxiety - but then I 'do' anxiety as regular followers of this blog know only too well! But I also know that my long term goal has to be psychological therapies (rather than medical-chemical ones) and self-reliance. If I am totally honest I would say this is still a small light at the end of a very long tunnel.
Nevertheless, this recent change may brighten the light or shorten the tunnel - or maybe both! If the side effects diminish without any sense of my mental health regressing I will be extremely pleased. For the time being I am very anxious but am hoping and praying for this most positive of outcomes.
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