Inadequate - despite the view

I have had a week away to reflect, to read and to pray.  For a million reasons it was a wonderful week - wonderful encounters, laughter, sea air and always a beautiful view.  But now I have to return and face the reality that is what we call 'now'.  It's tough.  I probably should have read more, a lot more, I probably should have prayed more, a lot more.  I had a rest from physically strenuous exercise and just spent time walking my dog every day.  I enjoyed fish and chips - who doesn't?

However, I feel inadequate to deal with some of the reflections that have come back at me.  It is this feeling of inadequacy that leads me to hand over the rest of this blog to a quotation.  Nelson Mandela used these words in 1994.  Although some dispute the authorship, frankly, it doesn't seem to matter.  I think he did say this and it seems exactly the kind of thing he would say.  So, for all, who like me, feel inadequate - take this!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Doing the 'opposite'

As I read back over yesterday's post I am struck by a few things.  None of them are particularly positive.  That is to say as I read over the text I  observe a 'me' I don't like very much.  I blogged truthfully, I said what I felt and I felt what I said but nevertheless I am left with a strong feeling that I have painted a picture of myself that is none too pretty - for the first time since I began my blog I feel I have presented myself as a little self-indulgent, an impression of self-pity.

That was not my intention and if anyone else read it that way please accept my apologies.  And to those who left comments (here and on facebook) thank you - thank you for replying as honestly as I tried to blog.

As a result of these reflections I have tried to get up with a more positive attitude.  Those who struggle with depression and anxiety know that is very easy to say and very difficult to do. The deeper the anxiety the more difficult it is to challenge.

Followers of this blog know I have to move house because my job in the army has changed and the second word of 'posting order' is 'order'!  Is morale low - yes.  Is the move this time a fearful event (at least in my mind) - yes, of course it is!  But I have taken on board some excellent (but frankly terrifying) advice given to me by my psychologist - to treat my anxiety almost as a person.  And when feeling low (as I have been lately, in particular, worrying about my son - student loan, job prospects etc. - despite the advice and assurance of those who know us both who say my anxiety is almost certainly unfounded) to do the opposite of what the anxiety expects and demands of me.

What did it demand of me this morning?  To give up, not bother and do nothing.  Oh yes, let's not forget a large measure of self-pity thrown into today's 'misery pot'!

So I've tried to follow the advice I have been given.  I got up - well, come on, it's a good start.  I've been outside all day in the fresh air although the sun has been mostly cloud hidden.  I've got a lot of practical things done ready to move and I can see the results of my labour.

Most importantly doing the 'opposite' has made me feel a lot more positive.  Simple as.  My hope and my prayer is that this may encourage me to believe that my anxieties are unfounded and I start to feel better about myself with a degree of consistency.

Guilt trip

As predicted the anxiety is fighting back.  Boy is it fighting back.  I have followed the advice of my psychologist (almost) to the letter.  Still it bites back but she warned me it would.

I had another good day during the week.  This morning felt very positive but the anxiety and the feelings that accompany it are more persistent than the techniques I am developing to challenge it.  This is, to be truthful, frustrating and upsetting.

I am also struggling with guilt, a lot of guilt.  Here's the best example.  I have often spoken of the anxiety that I feel on behalf of my eldest son now reading for his music degree.  I help him quite a lot but he will still leave university with three years of tuition fees and three years of maintenance loan altogether.  Helping him as we do keeps it down quite significantly for him but I don't feel I am doing nearly enough.

So here's the immediate rub.  I own a motorcycle.  She's my pride and joy but I find little pleasure in owning the 'bike any more for one simple reason - I could sell her and give my son the money and it would pay a year's tuition fees for him bringing his loan down by about 3.5k.  He once overheard me speak of this and reminded me that I was entitled to some pleasure in my life and under no circumstances was I to sell it.  However, because of the feelings I have right now each journey on the 'bike is a real 'guilt trip'

But the anxiety is biting back big style and the accompanying guilt is hard to bear.  If I sell her it will be a sadness to me if I don’t sell her I will feel I have failed my son and could have done a lot more.  I guess that is the illness speaking but I don't know what to do.  I think that the anxiety is generating additional feelings of confusion which acts as further fuel for the anxiety.

So that is today, here and now, simply and straightforwardly expressed.  If anyone does read this I would, seriously, like to know what you think.  Right now I can think those things for myself.

Sunshine, skylarks and psychology

I am very happy to report that I've had two good days in a row.  I feel much more positive and thus more in control; rather than the constant checking that goes with my anxiety creating what has been called 'the illusion of control'.  So that's a positive start and I am pleased to be able to begin a blog in this way.  The sun really has come out again!

I have been marvelling at the God given beauty around me- it's like free SSRI medication without side effects!.  I went for my run at lunch time with the sun in my face and skylarks singing beautifully and soaring majestically as I ran out into the countryside.

The insights and intervention of my psychologist (whom I asked the medical team to allow me to see for two years before it finally happened) have been at worst uncomfortably challenging and at best ground breaking; probably not ground breaking for her but for me most definitely.  I am tempted to say to my medical team 'I told you so' and 'if only I'd been allowed to see her sooner' but that seems pointless and rather puerile now even if both comments are reasonable and fair minded observations.  To be absolutely fair, my present CPN pushed hard for this and made it happen; his friendship means a great deal to me.

I cannot say that I have lost my anxiety and the fears which characterise them - I have not.  But I hope I can learn to accept the evidence that they are almost certainly unfounded and to do so consistently.  If I can achieve that level of consistency the quality of my life will improve dramatically.

I am not under any illusions that just like fighting insurgency the counter insurgency strikes back - my psychologist has warned me this will definitely happen.  The core beliefs which appear to feed my 'issues' (as my sons refer to them when they tease me, which is very healthy) will strike back.  But now I am beginning to see that there just might be a long term easing of this closely followed by empirical evidence that my worries, almost always about financial matters whether it be my sons' student loans and job prospects or my pension when I leave the Armed Forces, are unfounded and always were unfounded.

I feel progress has been made.  I am not naive, however, and anticipate counter-attacks and set backs.  For now though there is more hope and encouragament than I would have thought possible at the time of my last blog.