I am still feeling vulnerable and powerless. But I wanted to add a codicil to my last blog. I am trying to sit a bit lighter to all of this for a couple of days. I have got the advice and support of good friends, work colleagues and the medical teams who care for me. My anxiety still spirals out of control - I am going to lose my job and pension: when we move there won't be work for my wife; we won't manage things financially; nobody seems to take me seriously. The list goes on.
I have a meeting arranged to discuss my future and a colleague and friend has kindly agreed to accompany me. Until then two close friends suggested to me yesterday that I should leave things alone for a period and try to enjoy some holiday time. They are close and trusted friends and I am going to try to do what they suggest. Leaving things alone for two or three weeks may actually give time for the dust to settle and for a more favourable response to be allowed to stay where I am for longer - let's hope so, although I will admit I am not at all confident.
What this has done is remind me that as a recovering alcoholic is only safe until the next drink, so for the recovering mental health patient s/he is only safe until the next perceived attack on his/her stability. The patina is thin and it is brittle. Mine feels almost none existent right now.
I am going to try and do things that help me. I ran again today and managed my best time ever for 4 miles, under 31 minutes. I am going to rest more in the evenings. I am going to think of the people I love, especially those who are far away, physically or emotionally.
Finally a plea. To those who may read this and be fortunate enough never to have suffered from poor mental health, please give us a break - it's a long and perilous journey. For the most part, though, those of us who struggle are still game!
And finally - finally! Thank you to Jack and Victor, the two principle characters of the hugely funny Scottish comedy Still Game. I have the DVDs and they always, but always, make me laugh out loud. God bless you both for that, you're real to me and that's good enough! Their picture is on the right!
Tuesday 20 July 2010
Sunday 18 July 2010
Vulnerable and powerless
I just found out today that my employers are not even prepared to consider allowing me to stay in post longer to consolidate my recovery. Medical advice has been offered but they appear to have disregarded it. This has left me feeling incredibly vulnerable. I don't know what else to say really. If anyone is reading this and has any pearls of wisdom I would love to hear them.
Friday 16 July 2010
'There's a lot of it about'
If you are old enough to remember the Monty Python sketches of the 1970s you may recollect the phrase 'there's a lot of it about'! I certainly do and there is, a lot of it about that is. There is a good deal of poor mental health and there is an even greater quantity of poor attitude towards it; as Stephen Fry once famously put it, and forgive me this is a paraphrase, 'one in four people have a problem with their mental health and even more people have a problem with that'.
How true that is. There is a very real sense in which the world adopts black and white thinking towards those of us who are struggling along this journey - ironically Cognitive Behavioural Therapy discourages black and white thinking! We are either ill or we are better, it's as simple as that. My own belief is that such polarised thinking comes most particularly from those who really do have a problem with those who struggle with mental health issues. If you are ill it is up to the Doctors to treat you; if you are better well, frankly, what is the problem? And the problem, as fellow strugglers know only too well, is that this is a journey and whilst a journey has a beginning and an end, most of the 'process' occurs in between.
Over the last couple of weeks I have discovered, almost by accident, that two people I know well, both professional people, highly competent in their own field, struggle with mental health issues just as I do. How come I never knew? Good question! Probably because whilst there is 'a lot of it about' even astute, confident, experienced professional folk are only too well aware that so many people have a problem at worst, a lack of understanding at best, with others' mental health. If those people are our employers or those who exercise some authority over us it compounds the issue by introducing an element of vulnerability. Simply put, many feel it is better to keep quiet rather than 'come out' lest Stephen Fry's prophetic observation is played out in our lives. So often the protagonists of Stephen Fry's observation pass on their insecurities about mental health issues onto those who are already suffering. How bizarre! Oh yes and how kind. Thank you so much for that!
What this rather convoluted verbal excursion leads me to is simply this. There really is 'a lot of it about' and whilst attitudes may be slowly changing those of us who continue on this journey know only too well those postures can have a huge, sometimes catastrophic, impact upon those demons we continue to wrestle with.
To those fellow strugglers who read this take heart, we are not alone, there really is 'a lot of it about'. To those who continue to deploy negative and injurious attitudes towards us because they can't cope with it shame on them! But I also hope that they never encounter the same struggle, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!
How true that is. There is a very real sense in which the world adopts black and white thinking towards those of us who are struggling along this journey - ironically Cognitive Behavioural Therapy discourages black and white thinking! We are either ill or we are better, it's as simple as that. My own belief is that such polarised thinking comes most particularly from those who really do have a problem with those who struggle with mental health issues. If you are ill it is up to the Doctors to treat you; if you are better well, frankly, what is the problem? And the problem, as fellow strugglers know only too well, is that this is a journey and whilst a journey has a beginning and an end, most of the 'process' occurs in between.
Over the last couple of weeks I have discovered, almost by accident, that two people I know well, both professional people, highly competent in their own field, struggle with mental health issues just as I do. How come I never knew? Good question! Probably because whilst there is 'a lot of it about' even astute, confident, experienced professional folk are only too well aware that so many people have a problem at worst, a lack of understanding at best, with others' mental health. If those people are our employers or those who exercise some authority over us it compounds the issue by introducing an element of vulnerability. Simply put, many feel it is better to keep quiet rather than 'come out' lest Stephen Fry's prophetic observation is played out in our lives. So often the protagonists of Stephen Fry's observation pass on their insecurities about mental health issues onto those who are already suffering. How bizarre! Oh yes and how kind. Thank you so much for that!
What this rather convoluted verbal excursion leads me to is simply this. There really is 'a lot of it about' and whilst attitudes may be slowly changing those of us who continue on this journey know only too well those postures can have a huge, sometimes catastrophic, impact upon those demons we continue to wrestle with.
To those fellow strugglers who read this take heart, we are not alone, there really is 'a lot of it about'. To those who continue to deploy negative and injurious attitudes towards us because they can't cope with it shame on them! But I also hope that they never encounter the same struggle, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!
Wednesday 14 July 2010
Falling off my bike again!
I managed to kick start my blog again only to find recently I have been really struggling again and just couldn't manage it. I am still struggling and that's the long and short of it. I am going to try to keep going, to exercise some level of control over the things that I currently find so distressing, and also with this blog. If you are still following please be patient with me.
I will add a couple more things. Recovering from a serious mental health episode is like learning to ride a bicycle all over again. Having learned, it doesn't mean you don't fall off again from time to time. Sometimes the ground you fall on is relatively soft, at other times it is gravel. Lately I have had a lot of gravel rash.
I have also learned that because you 'appear' to be better others assume you are 'completely' better. As a Doctor friend of mine said to me last week, an episode of poor mental health is the broken bone you can't see.
When I started to blog I promised to be open and honest. So, right now I am struggling and I am unhappy. I hope it is a blip albeit a rather large one. Time will tell. Right now I feel very vulnerable, mostly because of the way my employers are handling me and they are certainly not listening. If you have had similar experiences please do e-mail me or leave a comment.
I will add a couple more things. Recovering from a serious mental health episode is like learning to ride a bicycle all over again. Having learned, it doesn't mean you don't fall off again from time to time. Sometimes the ground you fall on is relatively soft, at other times it is gravel. Lately I have had a lot of gravel rash.
I have also learned that because you 'appear' to be better others assume you are 'completely' better. As a Doctor friend of mine said to me last week, an episode of poor mental health is the broken bone you can't see.
When I started to blog I promised to be open and honest. So, right now I am struggling and I am unhappy. I hope it is a blip albeit a rather large one. Time will tell. Right now I feel very vulnerable, mostly because of the way my employers are handling me and they are certainly not listening. If you have had similar experiences please do e-mail me or leave a comment.
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