Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

Peace of mind is as elusive as ever for me.  I wish it were different but part of my honest approach to this blog is to tell it straight, not to seek sympathy just acceptance, not to be self-indulgent but to be self-seeking.

My anxiety is following is an all too familiar theme - financial matters.  Despite the constant reassurances of those whose perspective is clearer and whose knowledge base is wider the anxiety just moves forward and trying to turn it around is like trying to change the direction of an oil tanker - it actually feels more intransigent than that.

For a few minutes towards the beginning of last week the light at the end of the tunnel flickered -  sorry, once again I am mixing my metaphors!  I had asked my medical team to allow me to see the psychologist and they did.  Last Tuesday, in a session that was a real emotional roller coaster, we began to perceive what might be driving this ongoing anxiety. 

The probable root cause is a highly personal matter but one I suspected may be at least one factor in continuing to maintain the anxious bearing of this metaphorical oil tanker.  The psychologist agreed.  Not only that, she suggested it may well prove to be the most significant factor of all.  This was a relief to me as I have long believed this myself but it has been dismissed by others including my wife whose patience and tolerance for my struggles has all but waned -  that's not a public criticism, just an observation and I do, as one of my best friends would say, 'totally get that'.

So last week brought a glimmer of a possibility - right now it doesn't feel like more than that but we shall see.  I am seeing the psychologist again in a couple of weeks and we hope to explore further why it is that I am constantly and obsessively vigilant for danger which seems to translate itself into anxiety which is almost certainly unfounded.

I am trying hard to be positive.  The glimmer of light may be tiny and intermittent but progress through the tunnel, I hope and pray, will see the light get larger and brighter.  Maybe one of these days the light will dominate the darkness which is my anxiety and it will be the anxiety, not the light, which is intermittent.

Sad news

I found out this morning that someone I know quite well died following an accident at the weekend.  This puts my anxiety into some sort of perspective.  I cannot say my anxieties and their attendant fears will disappear as a result of this tragedy as I know they will not.  But it does make me very conscious of my need to continue to seek help and perspective; living well is an ideal but any kind of living is better than the alternative.

Stuck in the groove - and it's terrifying

Three weeks have past since my last post.  I know some people with mental health blogs manage to produce material every day.  I sometimes manage a run of a few days and then it tails off for a while.  The reason is simple - because when I am struggling it's hard to write.  I have been struggling a lot since my last blog - simple as that.

It should be cathartic, and sometimes it is.  But when I feel 'rubbish' (like now) it just rubs my nose in my anxieties.  It's also very hard to tell if the posts I do manage to generate are actually being read or are found useful by anyone.

So, yes, morale is low and I will tell you why.  But before I do that I would like to add an important caveat - however it sounds I do not feel sorry for myself and I am not looking for sympathy.  I am however going to tell it straight.

The straightest thing of all I can say is simply this: 'I don't get it'.  Let me provide an example.  I have to move jobs in July, my wife will move with me and therefore has to leave her job - she hates this job anyway and could do with a break.  From April I am going to pay more National Insurance and Income Tax just like everybody else.  I have worked out that financially all of this is manageable and I know, yes I really do know, that I am so fortunate compared to so many people.  And yet, and this is the rub, despite knowing all of these hits are manageable without really affecting my day to day life I am still terrified of financial ruin.  There isn't even any impact on my continuing ability to maintain the level of support I give to my sons at their respective educational establishments - although I still feel a complete failure for only meeting about a third of my eldest son's university costs the rest being down to student loans.  And yet, I say again, I am terrified of financial ruin. Terrified sums it up, I am not exaggerating.

Everywhere I turn there are triggers which challenge the logic of my situation.  Today I even convinced myself that when I leave the army in eight years there will not be a job for me.  This is, to quote Mr Spock of the USS Enterprise, 'illogical Captain'.  I am intelligent, experienced, motivated and have a number of additional professional qualifications which will put me in a strong position when I come to look.  Not only that, colleagues (in my area of expertise) have always faired very well on leaving and looking for employment.  I know only one who was unsuccessful; I also know it was his own fault entirely so that doesn't count.

I am ranting - my apologies.  But this is how it is for me now.  The anxiety won't ease, my problem solving is ineffective, I have no confidence in my own abilities and I fear financial ruin.  Apart from that I am doing OK!

I am stuck in the groove like an old scratched long playing record.  The groove has convinced me of the diabolical (see an earlier post).

Readers, if you are still out there please forgive the level of detailed personal disclosure.  If anybody reads this and can offer me any advice or encouragement I would be grateful so much more than you could even imagine.