A list of encouragements

I am determined to keep this blog up now I have started again - but I don't, really don't want it to become self-indulgent. To prove it let me say two things to those faithful few who are still reading. One, I have had a really bad week, truly the worst week since being in hospital last year and it has been all the same old triggers - see my last offering. Two, despite this I want to share this small offering which a dear old friend sent me today. I am going to try and read it through every day.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. Its OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. Its OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

In my present frame of mind I am finding 13, 26 and 30 the most helpful. However, I think 28 and 34 are probably the most important!

Perspective - as illusive as ever!

It's been ages since I wrote anything here. An old friend commented, some months ago, that he always senses that when I don't blog it's because I am 'struggling'. He is absolutely right and I have to admit it.

There have been countless times since I last blogged when I have wondered if I am getting any better. In fact, there have been even more occasions when I have sensed that I am worsening never mind showing any improvement.

There remains much uncertainty in my life. Of all the ambiguities I feel I am juggling right now the most distressing, and distressing is absolutely the right descriptor, is the fact that my employers continue to assert their right to disregard the medical advice that has urged them to leave me in post for 12 months longer and move me anyway. Why does this distress me? I think because I feel that it demonstrates a lack of pastoral care and concern, fails to acknowledge and recognise what I still struggle with and yes, I admit, because my anxieties invariably latch onto financial matters, the fact that on moving my wife will leave her job, and in the present climate it may very well take her much longer to secure alternative employment, I am worrying about the pecuniary impact.

Perspective remains elusive as ever. Here's a good example - this is personal disclosure over and above the call of this blog! My wife's income is not a requirement to maintain day to day living, pay bills and help my son at university and my other son away at school. Further, on leaving her post it means her pension will be very small when she is entitled to it at the age of 60. Yet my pension will be adequate so this ought not to cause anxiety either. But it does!

Thus is chronic anxiety no respecter of logic - it's as though the anxiety takes on a persona, grows arms and legs and talks to you, urging you not to believe your own perspective or logic that says 'ok it's a pain and I wish it were different, but it doesn't really affect our lives that much so there is no need to worry'.

Further, anxiety ignores the lessons of the past. Those of you who have followed this blog know that I work as an army chaplain. I was convinced that as a result of the defence review and cutbacks I would be made redundant; it was a sure thing. I am not going to be made redundant and so all that worry was unfounded and unecessary. Further, those who know me well and know my work, say that on leaving military service my employment prospects are excellent and they cannot envisage me not securing work.


In a nutshell my experience right now is this: my anxiety is not challenged by a proper sense of perspective; it doesn't learn from the positive lessons of the past; it doesn't accept the reassurance of the guidance and advice of third parties.

But let me add something to that: I do not feel sorry for myself, there is no place for such indulgence in my life. However, I am frightened and extremely unsettled - that's how it is for me.

So this has been a catch up and it is long overdue. I doubt any of you are even still reading it and if you are not there remains some catharsis in posting it anyway. If you are still reading I hope it is of some help to you!

Finally a positive thing. My son is now at university. I am so proud of all the work and effort he put in and he has achieved this first major part of his dream - the degree course he wanted at the university he aspired to study at. I am so grateful to him for his inspiration of me and his continued faith in me. He stayed with it when studying was tough (and his academic discipline requires a huge amount of extra work over and above the immediate curricular demands. He is already a thousand times the man I could ever be even when, at some undefined point in the future, I finally start to put this mental health issue to bed.