I think this is the longest gap between entries since I began this blog - and I said initially that my intention was to add to it daily! Notwithstanding the gap I hope that my thoughts and reflections are still of some use to the faithful souls who are still following, despite my recent tardiness!
I am now back into a regular work pattern. Overall I am enjoying this greatly and the daily contact with friends and colleagues in a working environment has certain been conducive to accelerating my recovery. I am continuing to run 4 miles everyday. My most pertient observation about physical fitness is nothing new - as I have mentioned in previous blogs the effects on the mind are as positively dramatic as they are on the body. I have still managed to hold onto this despite a short enforced lay off due to a niggly injury.
As I have continued to improve so has my vision and my perspective. I find that I can 'see' so much more clearly, metaphorically speaking. If there is one inherent difficulty it is that such 'vision' has enabled me to see things I could not see before I went into hospital. Some of those things, I now 'see', were contributory factors in becoming ill. However, this is all essentially positive. Clear vision is the best groundframe for positive and constructive thinking and problem solving, even though it does mean that some pain barriers have to be gone through. Nevertheless, as politicians have been wont to remind us throughout history, 'no pain no gain'!
I no longer look at my finances every five minutes, that awful checking and re-checking, so characteristic of anankastic personailty types, but so utterly demoralising and counter-productive to a recovering mental health patient. In fact I am delighted to be able to disclose that today is the first time this week I have checked closely my current account and this only to check the remaining balance before pay day tomorrow! Happy days!
There may be pain barriers ahead but I am confident that I can tackle them 'head on' having recently found my way to better health, much more personal happiness and overall contentment as a result.
Thursday 29 October 2009
Tuesday 20 October 2009
Lagging indicators & the Law of Averages
A good deal has changed over the last few days. Inevitably, just like life in general, some has been good and some less good; some enjoyable and some more of a battle; some successful and some less successful.
I returned to work, part-time, last week. My consultant agreed to this, providing I adhered to a number of caveats which he, not unreasonably, imposed. Those restrictions are in place entirely for my own protection, a principle I understand and accept. He said I would be tired, and I was! But I want to say that the two things which will remain in my mind most clearly about my first couple of days back in my 'normal' environment were both entirely positive. First, although it was a challenge, I enjoyed it and second, people were very welcoming and accepting; no judgements, no whispers, no strange knowing glances!
The level of tiredness engendered by returning to work has taken me by surprise. This has, inevitably, raised my levels of anxiety but this in itself, I acknowledge is not the sole domain of the recovering mental health patient. Anyone who is tired finds the difficult things more difficult, the easy things less easy.
I have taken to 'scoring' each day, my preferred method being percentages. A perfect day would be 100% (is there such a thing?) a reasonable, half-decent day around 50%. But this is only a relative measure and it is important to remain positive and say, for example, 'OK, today was only 50% but yesterday was 40% - that represents an improvement of 25%!'
But don't allow me to get bogged down in numbers again for followers of this blog know where my main symptomatic anxieties lie!
Nevertheless, using a relative measure (such as the percentage model) for looking at life is a valuable tool as long as one uses it to show improvement over time and identify weaknesses to work on. It should not become an obsessive tool to which one becomes enslaved; if you check the FTSE (returning to a familiar theme) every five minutes you are digging a hole for yourself - check it less often and more accurate trends will be revealed.
So what accurate trends have I revealed using this relativist model of self-analysis? That I am moving in the right direction, sometimes only limping but the right direction nevertheless; that I am feeling more positive about myself and hope that in time my self-esteem will improve - the trouble with self-esteem, to use a current economic 'buzz phrase', is that it is a 'lagging indicator'!
Despite the occasional 'limp and lag' the law of averages tells me that my percentages are rising over time and the hard work and investment appear to be bringing in a small dividend! Long may it continue.
I returned to work, part-time, last week. My consultant agreed to this, providing I adhered to a number of caveats which he, not unreasonably, imposed. Those restrictions are in place entirely for my own protection, a principle I understand and accept. He said I would be tired, and I was! But I want to say that the two things which will remain in my mind most clearly about my first couple of days back in my 'normal' environment were both entirely positive. First, although it was a challenge, I enjoyed it and second, people were very welcoming and accepting; no judgements, no whispers, no strange knowing glances!
The level of tiredness engendered by returning to work has taken me by surprise. This has, inevitably, raised my levels of anxiety but this in itself, I acknowledge is not the sole domain of the recovering mental health patient. Anyone who is tired finds the difficult things more difficult, the easy things less easy.
I have taken to 'scoring' each day, my preferred method being percentages. A perfect day would be 100% (is there such a thing?) a reasonable, half-decent day around 50%. But this is only a relative measure and it is important to remain positive and say, for example, 'OK, today was only 50% but yesterday was 40% - that represents an improvement of 25%!'
But don't allow me to get bogged down in numbers again for followers of this blog know where my main symptomatic anxieties lie!
Nevertheless, using a relative measure (such as the percentage model) for looking at life is a valuable tool as long as one uses it to show improvement over time and identify weaknesses to work on. It should not become an obsessive tool to which one becomes enslaved; if you check the FTSE (returning to a familiar theme) every five minutes you are digging a hole for yourself - check it less often and more accurate trends will be revealed.
So what accurate trends have I revealed using this relativist model of self-analysis? That I am moving in the right direction, sometimes only limping but the right direction nevertheless; that I am feeling more positive about myself and hope that in time my self-esteem will improve - the trouble with self-esteem, to use a current economic 'buzz phrase', is that it is a 'lagging indicator'!
Despite the occasional 'limp and lag' the law of averages tells me that my percentages are rising over time and the hard work and investment appear to be bringing in a small dividend! Long may it continue.
Wednesday 14 October 2009
Progress = small steps + abject exhaustion
A brief update on going back to work. My CPN and consultant have encouraged me to see returning to work part-time as another element of my therapy. I am not entirely sure how therapeutic my in-tray and e-mail inbox are but, for now, I will take their word for it!
I hope that if there are fellow mental health patients following this blog that they will be encouraged that normality can creep back. There have been times when the light at the end of my proverbial tunnel has been almost imperceptible but it is much clearer, larger and brighter now.
I am not naive, for I know that there is so much work remaining to be done and it will take many months and probably longer. But there is encouragement in progress, however slight, and whilst my anxiety levels are still, sometimes, crippling high, I observe positive movement in my own recovery.
Sometimes small steps cause abject exhaustion but small steps they are, and progress they nevertheless represent.
I hope that if there are fellow mental health patients following this blog that they will be encouraged that normality can creep back. There have been times when the light at the end of my proverbial tunnel has been almost imperceptible but it is much clearer, larger and brighter now.
I am not naive, for I know that there is so much work remaining to be done and it will take many months and probably longer. But there is encouragement in progress, however slight, and whilst my anxiety levels are still, sometimes, crippling high, I observe positive movement in my own recovery.
Sometimes small steps cause abject exhaustion but small steps they are, and progress they nevertheless represent.
Tuesday 13 October 2009
The North Face of the Eiger
I am back at work part-time and just two mornings a week. I feel like someone learning to walk and speak again! This was supposed to be just another part of my therapy but feels like the north face of the Eiger!
More to follow....
More to follow....
Sunday 11 October 2009
Excitement and fear - natural bedfellows?
My consultant has agreed to let me go back to work, albeit initially part-time. This is the point towards which I have been working for weeks and now it is almost here I am excited but frightened all at the same time! I am excited because the more of normal life one engages with the more 'normal' one is encouraged to feel. Frightened? Well, frightened because it is a big challenge but more so because I am aware that there are still many underlying issues to deal with in therapy over next next months and possibly longer.
Perhaps that is a precise reflection of 'normal' life; that parts of our life encourage us at the same time as feeling that all is not necessarily well under the surface. Let's face it, it is not always mental health patients (recovering or not) who feel this emotionally testing dichotomy. I add this as I would be uncomfortable if anyone following this blog felt I had turned myself into a victim - that is the last thing I want to be as I strive to get my life back on track.
My friends and family have been patient and non-judgemental. I have no evidence to suggest my working colleagues will be any different and I hope and pray that their attitudes towards me will be equally generous.
In the meantime I am getting on with my therapies (as suggested by my consultant and CPN), running everyday (at the same time as hoping I don't pick up an injury!) and rejoicing that despite the overwheleming anxieties I still suffer daily I am making progress. I was warned it wold take a long time, however, I have learned that praying for patience is an utterly counter-productive exercise as all that happens is God makes you wait! Thanks for that!
Perhaps that is a precise reflection of 'normal' life; that parts of our life encourage us at the same time as feeling that all is not necessarily well under the surface. Let's face it, it is not always mental health patients (recovering or not) who feel this emotionally testing dichotomy. I add this as I would be uncomfortable if anyone following this blog felt I had turned myself into a victim - that is the last thing I want to be as I strive to get my life back on track.
My friends and family have been patient and non-judgemental. I have no evidence to suggest my working colleagues will be any different and I hope and pray that their attitudes towards me will be equally generous.
In the meantime I am getting on with my therapies (as suggested by my consultant and CPN), running everyday (at the same time as hoping I don't pick up an injury!) and rejoicing that despite the overwheleming anxieties I still suffer daily I am making progress. I was warned it wold take a long time, however, I have learned that praying for patience is an utterly counter-productive exercise as all that happens is God makes you wait! Thanks for that!
Monday 5 October 2009
A room with a (different) view
As my recovery from my breakdown continues I have become aware of certain associations which I find distressing. Looking back on the day I was taken to hospital there is only one thing that is absolutely clear in my mind - I remember my surroundings vividly. It was a day that I genuinely could not get out of bed, hard to believe maybe, but it was as close to physically impossible as having two broken legs. How can rising be so traumatic? I guess that is mental breakdown for you.
I like my sleep and our bed is warm and comfortable. But every time I wake, and I still, rather irritatingly, wake three or four times a night, my environment reminds me of my illness. At least I see now that it does; until the last few days I hadn't understood why I became so distressed on waking so often.
I found a reference to this phenomenon (although I concede it feels less than phenomenal!) in a book my mother kindly gave me called Self-help for your nerves. The solution suggested was unnervingly simple: move things around a bit!
I talked to my wife about this and she kindly agreed to 'give it a go' if it might help me. We moved a chest of drawers, slightly changed the position of the bed, moved the television six inches to the left and added a couple of pictures to the walls.
Anybody reading this who, like me, is recovering from a serious mental health episode and who similarly finds negative associations distressing and counter-productive to (mental) healing I recommend this simple approach. Today I haven't had a good day at all really but shortly I shall make a mug of hot chocolate, my favourite night-time tipple, and go to my bed confident that some of the automatic associations have been removed and that that will allow me to rest slightly easier and be less afraid of waking. I am hoping, therefore, that those famous words of John Steinbeck are realised for me:
I hope, very much, that this will be of some help to those following the blog. Sleep well!
I like my sleep and our bed is warm and comfortable. But every time I wake, and I still, rather irritatingly, wake three or four times a night, my environment reminds me of my illness. At least I see now that it does; until the last few days I hadn't understood why I became so distressed on waking so often.
I found a reference to this phenomenon (although I concede it feels less than phenomenal!) in a book my mother kindly gave me called Self-help for your nerves. The solution suggested was unnervingly simple: move things around a bit!
I talked to my wife about this and she kindly agreed to 'give it a go' if it might help me. We moved a chest of drawers, slightly changed the position of the bed, moved the television six inches to the left and added a couple of pictures to the walls.
Anybody reading this who, like me, is recovering from a serious mental health episode and who similarly finds negative associations distressing and counter-productive to (mental) healing I recommend this simple approach. Today I haven't had a good day at all really but shortly I shall make a mug of hot chocolate, my favourite night-time tipple, and go to my bed confident that some of the automatic associations have been removed and that that will allow me to rest slightly easier and be less afraid of waking. I am hoping, therefore, that those famous words of John Steinbeck are realised for me:
It is a common experience that a problem difficult at night is resolved in the morning after the committee of sleep has worked on it.
I hope, very much, that this will be of some help to those following the blog. Sleep well!
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