In my last entry five weeks ago I began by saying I was determined to keep this blog going now I had started it again. I am still determined but recent tardiness has resulted from a period of acute anxiety and general 'struggling'.
My employers have told me I am definitely moving in July next year despite some medical advice against that. I have tried hard to process this information positively, fresh start, change of circumstances and so on. I am, to my surprise, pretty cool with it - I think! But this does ebb and flow a bit and some days the thought of moving is terrifying. Mostly though, to be honest, I am staying positive in this regard.
My anxieties about finances, however ill founded my confidants and friends tell me they are, remain frighteningly organic. It doesn't take much, just a snippet or a couple of words even, for this metaphorical hare, which is my anxiety, to be off and running and then there is no stopping it.
Most days I wake and the wave of anxiety washes straight over me and I feel I could drown in it - sorry, the literary perceptive amongst you will be irritated, no doubt, by me using different metaphors, hares running, ebbing and flowing as well as waves overwhelming; aplogies for that but the whole expereince is complex and varied and thus, so are the images I use to describe it.
I have also become afraid of the fear itself as the experience can be so unpleasant - if there was some catharsis with it I wouldn't mind, but there isn't!
I have also had to be honest with myself about the fact that there is someone I miss dreadfuilly who has had a massive and hugely positive impact on my life.
Despite this I am working hard on being positive still. I get up promptly, try to stay busy, try to concentrate on my successes and sometimes it even works! I have also discovered a superb self-help group on facebook called 'Depression Alliance' - a name which I thought, at first, was pretty depressing in itself! However, the group is full of so many people, struggling with their own difficulties but still desperate to reach out and care for others along the way - wonderful.
Finally I am trying my level best not to feel sorry for myself or demand the sympathy of others. It's a long haul but ultimately it remains my responsibility.
To anyone who is reading this I wish you much peace, love and every blessing this Christmas and much good health and calm for 2011.
