I had another good day during the week. This morning felt very positive but the anxiety and the feelings that accompany it are more persistent than the techniques I am developing to challenge it. This is, to be truthful, frustrating and upsetting.
I am also struggling with guilt, a lot of guilt. Here's the best example. I have often spoken of the anxiety that I feel on behalf of my eldest son now reading for his music degree. I help him quite a lot but he will still leave university with three years of tuition fees and three years of maintenance loan altogether. Helping him as we do keeps it down quite significantly for him but I don't feel I am doing nearly enough.
So here's the immediate rub. I own a motorcycle. She's my pride and joy but I find little pleasure in owning the 'bike any more for one simple reason - I could sell her and give my son the money and it would pay a year's tuition fees for him bringing his loan down by about 3.5k. He once overheard me speak of this and reminded me that I was entitled to some pleasure in my life and under no circumstances was I to sell it. However, because of the feelings I have right now each journey on the 'bike is a real 'guilt trip'
But the anxiety is biting back big style and the accompanying guilt is hard to bear. If I sell her it will be a sadness to me if I don’t sell her I will feel I have failed my son and could have done a lot more. I guess that is the illness speaking but I don't know what to do. I think that the anxiety is generating additional feelings of confusion which acts as further fuel for the anxiety.
So that is today, here and now, simply and straightforwardly expressed. If anyone does read this I would, seriously, like to know what you think. Right now I can think those things for myself.
hi there... i reckon if u feel you can get the money back for the bike in time with saving. later, u wud feel better doing this one thing for your son,, but be care ful of doing lots more for your son, cos u probly at an age where , its about time you started to think about you,,,cos if u dont do that now,,,u never will... i give my all to my son, age 23(neglected myself) thruough guilt of what he went through.. he has left home to go to nice home with his girl..
ReplyDeletei am 54, in a lot of pain and really struggling one way and another,,where am i going to get a lot of money for ME at my ME time..dunno...wished i had thought about ME more wile he was living here, with minimal rent...tis my time now...we cant give it all to our kids cos they need to learn to sum extent to fend for themselves... its no help to them to be too good to them,,, it really isnt... there is the guilt yr son will feel , to take into consideration... krazy kris(chris chocolic chinn....depression alliance
I think its important for kids / people to stand on their own 2 feet its good to help but I know loads of students both present and past that have battled through and flourished one way or another on their own merits, its a tough world out there and the sooner they realize it the easier it will be in the long run, I wish my father was as thought full as you, he helped me until I was 18 then it was down to me and guess what I survived 22 years on I have debts anyway but still run a successful business that I built from nothing on my own merits. Dont be too harsh on yourself your son sounds like a sensible lad and im sure he wouldn't like to think you felt this way.
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