This is, I think, the longest gap in my blog. Each time there is a long break I come back and promise to try harder - it's a good personal discipline and it's just possible, I imagine, that some people may be reading and finding the odd snippet helpful. For this reason I begin, once again, with an apology, an apology for being what, as I now consider myself, as a 'slack blogger'. Don't try saying that after too many drinks!
Rather amusingly it's been so long since I did blog the format here has changed and I am having trouble navigating it!
I am happy to come back to this though because what I have to add at this point is essentially all very positive. I say 'all', perhaps I should more accurately say 'almost all'.
Despite being badly treated by the next most senior people in my 'chain of command', and to be truthful, I mean appallingly treated, I am feeling good, more positive, more in control of my own health, and less likely to seize on a media soundbite and turn it into a future crisis for me and those whom I love, my two sons especially. In other words, at least in this particular respect, I am being more consistently rational and find myself, as a result, more often climbing out into brighter light than descending into emotional darkness. I do have dips along the way, I suspect I always will, but the 'line of best fit - which is, I am told the best mathematical description for a graph that varies but heads, despite the peaks and troughs, in one direction - is upward.
I have, without a shadow of a doubt, been discriminated against outrageously. But such is my new found strength I am able to say it says more about them than it does about me; far more actually. More importantly, I feel more and more confident that despite a few bad days, they are rare and, to quote the I Am Kloot song (much beloved of Gavin and Stacey fans) I have 'No fear of falling'.
My new spaniels are a constant source of fun and joy. My family life is much improved. I feel better about myself. I am physically fit again. It is two and a half years since I took any mental health medication.
My final words of this offering are simply this - if you are one of the faithful souls who do return here from time to time in the hope that maybe I will offer to it, I thank you. If you find some words here that help and encourage every word is worthwhile. If you are still struggling - keep the faith, I am beginning to feel I have emerged into the light and whilst the clouds do still, occasionally, catch me up again I am living proof that it does and will improve and the sunlight does eventually burn the cloud cover off.
Thursday, 3 May 2012
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
Three new friends - one has no tail!
I have been a very poor blogger. I wonder if anyone is still watching and reading. I hope so. If you are please accept my apologies for being so tardy in producing my next offering.
I blogged about my dog dying and that did upset me dreadfully. The house seemed so empty and so I lasted six days without a dog before two new spaniels arrived. Sisters called Lily and Rosy. What a joy they are and now five months old. They cheer me up and already sense, just as Meg my last dog did, when I am low and snuggle up in a way only a dog can manage.
I am still struggling with anxiety. Still manifesting obsessive behaviour. Still deeply troubled by various triggers on the media who, actually, only produce 'sound bites' which are so often accurate and misleading. I still get genuinely frightened.
But I have three new friends, really good friends, companions whom I trust and who take me as I am and yet help steer me back to the right view and perspective on things. My dogs and a new colleague. Without them I wouldn't be managing as I am. There are days when it all comes rushing back intolerably and I fear the worst for me and my two sons but the dogs sit close and my good Christian friend gently but firmly says 'hang on, you know that's untrue or highly unlikely to occur'.
For my two daft and utterly lovable canine companions many strokes and extra biscuits. For my new, and most dear friend, my undying thanks for friendship, calm guidance, reassurance and prayer.
The journey goes on, like the economy (and indeed the weather) some dips along the slow road to recovery (and spring) but it is going on. I am trying to be more positive.
I also hope to blog more often! The picture, by the way, is of my two new spaniels! Enjoy, I do!
I blogged about my dog dying and that did upset me dreadfully. The house seemed so empty and so I lasted six days without a dog before two new spaniels arrived. Sisters called Lily and Rosy. What a joy they are and now five months old. They cheer me up and already sense, just as Meg my last dog did, when I am low and snuggle up in a way only a dog can manage.
I am still struggling with anxiety. Still manifesting obsessive behaviour. Still deeply troubled by various triggers on the media who, actually, only produce 'sound bites' which are so often accurate and misleading. I still get genuinely frightened.
But I have three new friends, really good friends, companions whom I trust and who take me as I am and yet help steer me back to the right view and perspective on things. My dogs and a new colleague. Without them I wouldn't be managing as I am. There are days when it all comes rushing back intolerably and I fear the worst for me and my two sons but the dogs sit close and my good Christian friend gently but firmly says 'hang on, you know that's untrue or highly unlikely to occur'.
For my two daft and utterly lovable canine companions many strokes and extra biscuits. For my new, and most dear friend, my undying thanks for friendship, calm guidance, reassurance and prayer.
The journey goes on, like the economy (and indeed the weather) some dips along the slow road to recovery (and spring) but it is going on. I am trying to be more positive.
I also hope to blog more often! The picture, by the way, is of my two new spaniels! Enjoy, I do!
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
The last piece of toast
My anxiety levels have spiralled again - triggered by what I call 'sound bite journalism', the kind of reporting that gives you a scary statistic without telling you the whole story. It's undoubtedly a technique which sells papers but for those of us whose anxieties are triggered by references to money or statistics and who then mould those references around our own (emotional) experiences to confirm all the bad news we know to be true (especially when it isn't, which is nearly all of the time) it's frightening and depressing. Frightening because, in my case, it makes me believe all of my anxieties are true again and despressing because the anxiety has come back again.
One of my favourite techniques to ease all of this and get some perspective back, to challenge all the negative thinking and see it for what it is, rubbish, is to talk to my dog, make a fuss of her, stroke her ears and watch her sit there and take it all in and wag her tail as if to say, 'do you know what, your worries are unfounded and all will be well'.
Yesterday morning I turned around to give my dog the last piece of my toast as I have done so many times over the years; she wasn't there because she died on Monday. She was the most faithful, loyal, non-judgemental and accepting friend. I'm not really sure what to do with myself - I don't really have the heart to eat all of my breakfast toast.
One of my favourite techniques to ease all of this and get some perspective back, to challenge all the negative thinking and see it for what it is, rubbish, is to talk to my dog, make a fuss of her, stroke her ears and watch her sit there and take it all in and wag her tail as if to say, 'do you know what, your worries are unfounded and all will be well'.
Yesterday morning I turned around to give my dog the last piece of my toast as I have done so many times over the years; she wasn't there because she died on Monday. She was the most faithful, loyal, non-judgemental and accepting friend. I'm not really sure what to do with myself - I don't really have the heart to eat all of my breakfast toast.
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
Little victories and small steps
I am being rather naughty! My work computer is (for some unexplained reason) blocked from accessing this blogging site but I've managed to circumvent the system - I'm not a geek but I'm quite pleased to have scored a little victory. I hope others can do the same to read this blog and gain some insight, reassurance and support from it.
I am back at work after a three week break and finding it very difficult. My personal confidence has gone AWOL and I am feeling very low. Later on I will go for my run and hope that, like yesterday, this will pick me up a bit. For now I am struggling again and that in itself is depressing as on a day like today my anxieties are tangible and potent.
In the meantime I am going to spend the day trying to achieve little victories, like breaking through an IT cordon and feeling good after my run. Perhaps it's a timely reminder not to get so anxious (as I do terribly) about the future as this usually 'comes out in the wash' but to take one small step at a time.
I am back at work after a three week break and finding it very difficult. My personal confidence has gone AWOL and I am feeling very low. Later on I will go for my run and hope that, like yesterday, this will pick me up a bit. For now I am struggling again and that in itself is depressing as on a day like today my anxieties are tangible and potent.
In the meantime I am going to spend the day trying to achieve little victories, like breaking through an IT cordon and feeling good after my run. Perhaps it's a timely reminder not to get so anxious (as I do terribly) about the future as this usually 'comes out in the wash' but to take one small step at a time.
Sunday, 21 August 2011
A short 'break out'.
I have had a few very bad days - personally and domestically. I'm not being self-indulgent and I'm not looking for sympathy I simply report the facts. My anxiety levels have been through the roof. As irrational as people tell me these anxieties are they have felt as real as they could possibly be, so real I could reach out and touch them.
In such circumstances it's very difficult to 'break out'. Good weather helps and so, when checking the weather forecast last night to discover much sunshine was forecast, I determined to spend as much time as possible outside today, being productive and soaking up the rays.
I feel better for it even although as soon as I came back inside the anxiety levels started to climb rapidly. Nevertheless, to those of you who follow this blog who suffer similar symptoms to me take some heart; take heart that even when things are really bad it is possible to find the odd little gap to 'break out'.
In such circumstances it's very difficult to 'break out'. Good weather helps and so, when checking the weather forecast last night to discover much sunshine was forecast, I determined to spend as much time as possible outside today, being productive and soaking up the rays.
I feel better for it even although as soon as I came back inside the anxiety levels started to climb rapidly. Nevertheless, to those of you who follow this blog who suffer similar symptoms to me take some heart; take heart that even when things are really bad it is possible to find the odd little gap to 'break out'.
Wednesday, 17 August 2011
Unwelcome house guest refuses to leave
There has been a shorter gap between blogs this time and I hope to continue that. To those faithful souls who are still following, thank you.
The last few days I feel as though I have been caught in the line of fire of a weapon set to fire automatically and with little pause between rounds. Sad to report this is because there appears to me top be an increasing number of triggers for my anxiety not less. This, frankly, is frightening, I simply do not feel I am getting any better and the anxieties (well documented in earlier blogs, always about financial matters and very often about my sons' futures) feel less like anxieties and more like realities. To illustrate this I offer an example from this morning: the unemployment figures released this morning showed a surprise increase of just over 37,000. Some commentators jumped on the 'gloom bandwagon' predicting all sorts of disaster, some not much short of Armageddon! Others were more circumspect arguing it serves to underline the fact that a recovery is bumpy and this recovery is proving to be no exception. Selfishly, I panicked interpreting it as a disaster for my sons' futures even though the eldest will not enter the jobs' market for at least two, more likely three, years. And when they do so they will both be graduates from excellent universities, holding academically rigorous and respected degrees, to say nothing of their wider skills.
So why is it, I keep asking myself, that I continue to be enmeshed in this 'vulnerability trap'? Why does my mind fast track a piece of media information down the channel which reprocesses it as further proof, proof mind you, that I have a problem and so do my sons? As a CBT practitioner I would be saying something like 'ok, so where is the evidence; where is the evidence that an unexpected increase in unemployment in one quarter spells doom and disaster for my sons? Given the timelines, academic profile and life skills mentioned above there really isn't much evidence if any at all. And I am fortunate that my own employment is secure and will continue to be so.
A more appropriate response would be to feel desperately sorry for those who have lost jobs in the last quarter and spare a thought and a prayer for their future to improve very soon.
Many people have said to me I should just 'get a grip' - if I could, I would and I would have done so a long time ago. It's not that simple. The triggers will probably come thick and fast for a while as the economic commentators compete for our media attention and in doing so they have often been very selective with their presentation and interpretation of data - there are, after all, 'lies damned lies and statistics'!
A very dear friend who is not an economist but works much closer to the market place where the majority of my triggers emanate from continues to assert by e-mail, text and telephone conversation that despite the triggers which presently abound nothing has changed for me or my sons and my anxieties are groundless. She is kind and patient beyond the definitions of those adjectives. Ultimately I need to find a way of believing it for myself then my life would not be smitten my sporadic but regular and horrendous sadness and misery - and I don't mean that to sound self-indulgent I am just speaking the truth plainly.
Another very dear and close friend, a brother priest, said to me a while ago 'this isn't about money'. He suggested, with some persuasiveness, that the anxiety and its attendant sadness and low mood are rooted elsewhere. I think he is right and yet whilst accepting that analysis the reality is the anxieties are a real and continual powerful and destructive force in my life.
So can I do anything else? I'm finding it very difficult to treat the anxiety as an unwelcome houseguest as my psychologist suggested and engage in some opposites, activity which denies the anxiety, a kind of emotional counter-terrorism! The houseguest has taken root in my favourite chair and that emotional counter-terrorism presently seems to be completely ineffective in ejecting him. But I will try harder. Of course I can also keep an open mind about 'cause and effect' - I'm uncomfortably familiar with the effects and what I feel are the causes ('triggers') but I might need to look a little deeper - and I am pretty sure I know where to start!
The last few days I feel as though I have been caught in the line of fire of a weapon set to fire automatically and with little pause between rounds. Sad to report this is because there appears to me top be an increasing number of triggers for my anxiety not less. This, frankly, is frightening, I simply do not feel I am getting any better and the anxieties (well documented in earlier blogs, always about financial matters and very often about my sons' futures) feel less like anxieties and more like realities. To illustrate this I offer an example from this morning: the unemployment figures released this morning showed a surprise increase of just over 37,000. Some commentators jumped on the 'gloom bandwagon' predicting all sorts of disaster, some not much short of Armageddon! Others were more circumspect arguing it serves to underline the fact that a recovery is bumpy and this recovery is proving to be no exception. Selfishly, I panicked interpreting it as a disaster for my sons' futures even though the eldest will not enter the jobs' market for at least two, more likely three, years. And when they do so they will both be graduates from excellent universities, holding academically rigorous and respected degrees, to say nothing of their wider skills.
So why is it, I keep asking myself, that I continue to be enmeshed in this 'vulnerability trap'? Why does my mind fast track a piece of media information down the channel which reprocesses it as further proof, proof mind you, that I have a problem and so do my sons? As a CBT practitioner I would be saying something like 'ok, so where is the evidence; where is the evidence that an unexpected increase in unemployment in one quarter spells doom and disaster for my sons? Given the timelines, academic profile and life skills mentioned above there really isn't much evidence if any at all. And I am fortunate that my own employment is secure and will continue to be so.
A more appropriate response would be to feel desperately sorry for those who have lost jobs in the last quarter and spare a thought and a prayer for their future to improve very soon.
Many people have said to me I should just 'get a grip' - if I could, I would and I would have done so a long time ago. It's not that simple. The triggers will probably come thick and fast for a while as the economic commentators compete for our media attention and in doing so they have often been very selective with their presentation and interpretation of data - there are, after all, 'lies damned lies and statistics'!
A very dear friend who is not an economist but works much closer to the market place where the majority of my triggers emanate from continues to assert by e-mail, text and telephone conversation that despite the triggers which presently abound nothing has changed for me or my sons and my anxieties are groundless. She is kind and patient beyond the definitions of those adjectives. Ultimately I need to find a way of believing it for myself then my life would not be smitten my sporadic but regular and horrendous sadness and misery - and I don't mean that to sound self-indulgent I am just speaking the truth plainly.
Another very dear and close friend, a brother priest, said to me a while ago 'this isn't about money'. He suggested, with some persuasiveness, that the anxiety and its attendant sadness and low mood are rooted elsewhere. I think he is right and yet whilst accepting that analysis the reality is the anxieties are a real and continual powerful and destructive force in my life.
So can I do anything else? I'm finding it very difficult to treat the anxiety as an unwelcome houseguest as my psychologist suggested and engage in some opposites, activity which denies the anxiety, a kind of emotional counter-terrorism! The houseguest has taken root in my favourite chair and that emotional counter-terrorism presently seems to be completely ineffective in ejecting him. But I will try harder. Of course I can also keep an open mind about 'cause and effect' - I'm uncomfortably familiar with the effects and what I feel are the causes ('triggers') but I might need to look a little deeper - and I am pretty sure I know where to start!
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Two steps forward, one step backwards.
Just an update. I was doing quite well considering I had to move and start a new job. But the stock market getting bouncy has triggered all my old anxieties and a few new ones into the bargain and I got 'bouncy' as well! Not pleasant.
I am trying to remain positive and whilst discussing the stock market I have come to the conclusion there's no point tyring to convince myself these triggers (financial headlines) are easy to cope with and challenge with positive thinking, they're not. So let me make a direct comparison. Sure, the ftse has had a hard time lately but where is it compared to two years ago - much higher. Of course, it's a lot lower than last month but, like my battle with anxiety and depression, it is probably two steps forward one step back. The economic recovery will be slow and a bit bouncy - but this is better than a sudden huge increase in fortunes followed by a large drop, what has been called 'boom and bust'. I know there will be casualties along the way and this will always be sad and tragic but sometimes one has to look at the bigger picture. And the bigger picture of my own recovery is also two steps forward and one step back - but right now it feels like the opposite.
Sometimes we have to hold on for a bumpy ride but it's a ride that will get less bumpy as time goes on, whether it's the economy or my own recovery. But I'm not saying it isn't painful on the days you're pegged back, it's very painful.
Right now my anxiety levels are about 9 out of 10 and that's not good. So I am going to hold onto the kind, patient and gentle advice of a couple of very close friends who say 'hang on in there', my sons prospects are good (I'm not going to reherase the old arguments, if you follow the blog you've read them before and typing them out again makes me more anxious even though it's designed to do the opposite) and my employment is secure.
I'm off to try and believe what my clearer minded friends tell me and hopefully then to use that to encourage me to smile, enjoy daily life and count my blessings.
If you're reading this and your recovery is presently bumpy my prayers and thoughts are with you.
I am trying to remain positive and whilst discussing the stock market I have come to the conclusion there's no point tyring to convince myself these triggers (financial headlines) are easy to cope with and challenge with positive thinking, they're not. So let me make a direct comparison. Sure, the ftse has had a hard time lately but where is it compared to two years ago - much higher. Of course, it's a lot lower than last month but, like my battle with anxiety and depression, it is probably two steps forward one step back. The economic recovery will be slow and a bit bouncy - but this is better than a sudden huge increase in fortunes followed by a large drop, what has been called 'boom and bust'. I know there will be casualties along the way and this will always be sad and tragic but sometimes one has to look at the bigger picture. And the bigger picture of my own recovery is also two steps forward and one step back - but right now it feels like the opposite.
Sometimes we have to hold on for a bumpy ride but it's a ride that will get less bumpy as time goes on, whether it's the economy or my own recovery. But I'm not saying it isn't painful on the days you're pegged back, it's very painful.
Right now my anxiety levels are about 9 out of 10 and that's not good. So I am going to hold onto the kind, patient and gentle advice of a couple of very close friends who say 'hang on in there', my sons prospects are good (I'm not going to reherase the old arguments, if you follow the blog you've read them before and typing them out again makes me more anxious even though it's designed to do the opposite) and my employment is secure.
I'm off to try and believe what my clearer minded friends tell me and hopefully then to use that to encourage me to smile, enjoy daily life and count my blessings.
If you're reading this and your recovery is presently bumpy my prayers and thoughts are with you.
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