I have read an interesting article in a psychology journal published online which describes the obsessive need to check and re-check (as a symptom of a mental health issue) as reassuring in the short term but counter-productive in the long term.
I am struggling with this and have been (again) for a few days. My anxieties, as you know because I promised to blog honestly and openly, are always about financial matters, and specifically (almost) always about future finances. So I keep a careful check on my finances, I record all expenditure and future bills meticulously. I also project my future savings figure and whilst not being a complete slave to them this should offer some reassurance it doesn't! So I revisit the paper work time and time again - I had managed to avoid this for a couple of weeks but it has returned with a vengeance. I worry about next month, I worry about offering some support to my offspring when they go to university (and vicariously I worry about their student loans and (when they have them) how long they will take to pay off), I worry about my retirement income. The whole thing has become invasive and oppressive again. I truly wish it were different.
As soon as I have finished writing this the temptation will be to review the figures again seeking further reassurance and fearing I have missed something. The most destructive thing is the sense of failure that comes with it. How many people can pay for their children's university education? How many people can afford to go out and buy a new car? How many people can afford to clear their mortgage? Not me and not most people and yet it leaves me feeling I have failed.
I am not obsessed with the numbers per se but whatever they are I am regularly left feeling I have failed and all is doom and gloom. I accept that this is a continuing symptom of my illness but it is, once again, having a severely negative impact on the quality of my life.
Now here is a revelation -for anyone who is still reading. I am a priest, I have a strong faith (most of the time!) but my faith and belief system is not helping me through this right now. So, to those faithful souls who are still following please leave a comment, tell me what you think or e-mail if you prefer. In the meantime all I have done in this blog today is be open and honest and hope that at some point I will feel its catharsis. Oh yes, and I have to try not to go back to the figures - again and again and again and again!
One final thing, which whilst slightly mischievous is genuinely not intended to be trivial. Anyone who has similar obsessive/anankastic symptoms who feels the need to wash their hands 500 times a day let me know; perhaps we could swap for a couple of weeks!
Sorry not meaning to be negative just truthful - thank you for continuing to share the journey?
It would be lovely to think we could afford to pay for our kids uni fees but realistically even those that can dont so that their kids understand the value of money. As parents we need to be there to guide, assist and support where we can, but most of all to educate our kids in life skills. A car is for getting from A to B. Yes it's nice to have a nice car but realistically for most people having a roadworthy car is more important than it's newness. Anyway buying a new car only means we lose vast amounts of money as it depreciates so dramatically in the first two years! As for paying off our mortgages. Two points here. One you are blessed in this day and age if you have one (!) and secondly in time this gets paid off bit by bit. Remember it is not the end result that counts but the journey there. Having a mortgage and paying it off bit by bit means you are achieving your long term objective - it doesnt happen over night or we wouldnt appreciate it when we achieve it. You are not by any shape or form a failure. You are having a wobble "this too will pass". You have so much to be positive about. Keep the faith - everything happens for a reason. Kidda x
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